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Friday, August 12, 2005

Top Ten Signs Martha Stewart Is Losing It
  
Every night same routine--tin of Skoal and Kung Fu magazines
Strolls around garden in ankle bracelet...and nothing else
Spikes her coffee with a shot of Lemon Pledge
Spends hours on end trying to teach macrame to backyard squirrels
Hasn't slapped an underling in weeks
Recently purchased a mummified remains of Julia Child
Old catchphrase: "It's a good thing"---new catchphrase: "Get off my property or I'll cut you"
Getting claustrophobic in her cramped 10,000 square foot, 153 acre estate
Believes Rafael Palmeiro
Digging a tunnel to see "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo"
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Instead of elaborate French dish, dinner is bag of Ruffles

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Constantly asking Jude Law if he needs a nanny

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Just added an adults-only section to MarthaStewart.com

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Has started referring to electronic ankle bracelet as "Kenny"

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Got so annoyed by the ankle bracelet, gnawed off her own leg like a rapped raccoon

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