Dave, doing his best Blackwell impersonation, critiques Paul's wares today, asking "Is that pleather?" Paul says it is, a mix of plastic and leather. Dave laughs, somewhat surprised, since everyone knows pleather is "so last season." Dave muses, "I bet you use a lot of talc." Paul says it is a fact.

President Bush has endured a lot of criticism lately. And Dave is honored to say the President is here tonight to address the issue of competence and to assure the American people he's got things under control. Dave then introduces, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, George W. Bush!" The camera cuts to the doors by the edge of the CBS orchestra. The doors do not open, though we can see someone trying to get inside from the other side. We hear banging and pulling on the door, but no President. Darn it all, the President has locked himself out again. Thanks for trying, Mr. President. Maybe next time.

The Countdown to Oprah has reached Day 8. In 8 short days, Ms. Winfrey will grace our stage, taking the seat next to Dave's. Everyone here and around the world eagerly await the glorious day when the two giants of television join together on this one stage.
She has not been with Dave since May 2, 1989. The musical, "The Color Purple," is currently in previews, and the big grand opening will be December 1st. Soon after her appearance here, she will walk across the street to "The Color Purple."

Before the show, a fellow in the audience asked if Dave would be giving away anything to the audience the way Oprah gives away stuff to her audience. Yes, indeed we are. It's a "Dave's Favorite Things" gift box, one each for the entire audience. The contents include a bottle of Lipitor and a miniature bottle of vodka.

This Oprah show is going to be huge. Some suggested we move the venue to Radio City Music Hall or Madison Square Garden and charge the audience admission. Perhaps Dave will wear a tux. There will be a lot of thinking and discussion going on up to that day, I am pretty sure. Oooh, I just realized that after that December 1st show, we go on vacation! Wow! Now I am REALLY looking forward to that show. I wonder if there'll be a "Dave After The Show"? I hope it's included in the discussion.

It's a special night. With us is 1999 Nobel Prize Winner, Professor of Economic at Columbia University Robert Mundell and he will be telling Rodney Dangerfield jokes all night long. Professor?
Professor Mundell: "My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
Professor Mundell: "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it."
Hoo boy, I can listen to this guy all night long.

And now a message from Vice President Dick Cheney:

"The President and I / are doing / everything we can / to establish a / totalitarian society ruled by fear and secret police."

And now, another message from Vice President Dick Cheney:

"It's important to make this point at the outset. I do not believe / we should / let / women / vote."

Professor Robert Mundell: "My wife's cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door."

STUPID PET TRICKS. But before we get to the pets, how about something from Professor Robert Mundell: "I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going."
Stupid Pet Tricks #1: From Clairmont, Florida, it's Barbara Giacobe and her border collie, Riot.
Trick: Riot will not attack the toy in front of her/him until Barbara says "Kill It!" Barbara calls it "The Kill It Game." Why? Barbara guesses it's because Riot likes to kill things. Dave says, "Oh, that's ideal for the kids."
The sock toy is put down in front of Riot. Barbara gets down close to Riot and commands, "Get it! Lick it! Kiss it! Smell it! Kill it!" With that, Riot grabs the sock toy with its teeth and swings it back and forth with ferocity, not letting go for a second. I wonder if that only works with the sock toy or would it also work with a leg.

STP #2: From Ridgeland, South Carolina, it's Janet and Chelsea Ron with Flyer, Basil, and Luna. Basil and Luna are Jack Russels; Flyer is a Belgian Trevuen. What do they have for us? Janet puts down a remote control SUV car and activates it with a remote. The Jack Russels then attack the car, ripping off its tires. Flyer grabs the loose tires and deposits them into a small garbage can.
Dave laments, "I hate to be petty but it looks like something they made up on the plane."

STP #3: From Atlanta, Georgia, it's Zak George and his border collie, Venus. Venus walks onto the carpet that's been placed on the floor and rubs his face along it. Dave wonders, "Is that it? We're gonna need more than rubbing his snout on the carpet." Zak says there's more. Venus must have picked up some NYC fleas on the way in because he's now bush with the itching during the Q&A. Scratch scratch scratch. Dave wonders if this is the trick; Venus sitting there scratching. Nope, there's still more. Zak gets down on his back and with his feet elevated, Venus jumps up onto the bottom of Zak's feet. Zak then tosses Frisbees up to Venus, who catches them in its mouth.
And that was Stupid Pet Tricks.

CLAIRE DANES: She's in the Steve Martin film, "Shopgirl." It's in theaters now. The first time Claire was on the show was about 10 years ago when she was 16. She says a guest suddenly became unavailable and in a desperate need of someone, we called her. She was already busy making movies at that age; Dave at 16 was bagging groceries. Does Claire come from a family of actors and actresses? No, then points out that her parents are visual artists. I'm not sure what that means but I'm guessing a visual artist is one who goes to museums and looks at art. Or or or. . . . they can look at paint splashed on a wall and vision it to be a work of art. I don't know. And speaking of Pet Tricks, Claire has a doggie of her own. It's half schnauzer, half poodle. Unfortunately, this is known as a schnoodle. I have a feeling the schnoodle doesn't really care what it's called, just as long as it's fed when hungry. We get a look at her schnoodle playfully relaxing in the green room.
Claire is in the Steve Martin film, "Shopgirl." Claire first met Steve Martin about 10 years ago at an Oscar party. He was lamenting about his troubles in his most recent relationship. Claire, a wordly 17, advised him to take all of his self-help books and throw them away. I say, "NO!" Don't throw them away! Save them. Self-help books sell great at garage sales.
We see an amusing clip from "Shopgirl" of Claire with Jason Schwartzman.

ACT 4:
Dave: "With all the recent commotion about bird flu, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions floating around. So here now to separate the facts from the myths is our announcer Alan Kalter . . . . in something called . . . what is it called? (Dave looks for help, and then gets it) . . . . Alan Kalter's Health Beat. Alan?"
Alan Kalter: "Thanks, Dave." And then Alan starts singing "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas, walking and prancing across the stage.

"What'cha gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside the trunk.
I'ma get get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump
What'cha gonna do with all that ass
All that ass inside your jeans
I'ma make make make make you scream
Make you scream make you scream
'Cause of my humps my hump my hump my hump
my hump my hump my hump my lovely lady lumps."

Dave had a little trouble introducing the Alan Kalter bit. He didn't know the name of the piece, "Alan Kalter's Health Beat." It wasn't written into the introduction. But the original script had Dave throwing it to Alan but before Alan spoke, an art card would appear with Alan's face and the title, "Alan Kalter's Health Beat." It was decided to get rid of the opening title card, which is usually accompanied by music, since Alan only says, "Thanks, Dave" then starts singing. With the title card and music, it would have been music, Alan saying "Thanks, Dave" and then right back into music. It would be too choppy; music, "Thanks, Dave," different music. Unfortunately, we never rehearsed the Alan song without the title card and no one realized there would then be no mention of "Alan Katler's Health Beat", hearing for the first time only at the closing announce. If we realized it, we would have added it into Dave's introduction.

Professor Robert Mundell: "I went to the doctor and told him, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.'"

ACT 5: And now it's time for a Thanksgiving Safety Tip with George Clarke.
George: "Although it adds flavor, cooking your stuffing inside the bird puts you at risk of food-borne bacteria. You're better off eating it straight from the can."
This has been a Thanksgiving Safety Tip with George Clarke. Keep it real.

BIG BOI AND THE PURPLE RIBBON ALL-STARS: Big Boi is half of the Grammy Award-winning band, Outkast. His new COD is called, "Got Purp? Volume 2." Big Boi and the Purple Ribbon All-Stars performed "Kryptonite."
During the performance, I was really really hoping for a cut away to Professor Robert Mundell standing and watching.

And to close out the show:
Professor Robert Mundell: "I get no respect. A psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said 'I want another opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly, too."

And that was our show for Wednesday, November 23, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Professor Mundell was on our show two years ago to do a top ten list. I'm not sure whose idea it was but it was decided that having a Nobel Prize winner doing the top ten would be something interesting to do. What could it hurt? It'll be fun for a one-time laugh. So we looked in the phone book for a Nobel Prize winner and found Professor Mundell. I don't remember rehearsal from that day but come show time, he became an instant hit. His delivery was perfect, his style exquisite. He was the perfect pick to do the spot. Professor Mundell has since been on the Late Show to tell "You Might Be A Redneck" jokes and "Yo Mama" jokes. He was also on to read from the Paris Hilton book. What I remember about his reading the Paris Hilton book is that he went out the night before and bought the book to familiarize himself with the writing. The image of him lying in bed with his pajamas, reading glasses half down his nose, reading Paris Hilton still makes me laugh. And what's most interesting about all this is the casting has made all the difference. If we got a different Nobel Prize winner, most likely it would have been a one-time deal with the top ten and then we would be done with the Nobel Prize winner. But Mundell is gold each time he's on. And he's the real deal. Google the name and he comes up all over the place. Oh, and what did he earn the Nobel for? The 1999 Nobel Prize winner for Economic Sciences was awarded to Professor Mundell for:
-his analysis of monetary and fiscal policy under different exchange rate regimes, and his analysis of optimum currency areas.

The other instance of perfect casting, one in which the performer made the piece sparkle more so than the material, is Deborah Lynn, the intuitive. I'm not sure what you would find if you Googled her.

I'm obese! According to the Body Mass Index I read in today's paper, I'm obese. To figure out your BMI, divide your (weight) by your (height in inches, squared.). Then multiply by 703. If your BMI is 18.5 to 25, you are of a healthy weight. 25-30, you are overweight. And if your BMI is over 30, you are obese. And if you can figure out your BMI, you should be a CPA. My 186 pounds is obese on a 5'9" figure. Of course, I always like to say I'm not fat, I'm just not tall enough.
BUT WAIT! I just used a calculator to do my calculations and found that I'm not obese; I'm only overweight. My BMI is somewhere around 27.4 (I already clicked off www.calculator.com and I don't want to go back). But now I'm concerned about my mathematic ability. I always prided myself on my math skills. And now while I try again to do the calculations with paper and pencil, I find I'm still screwing something up. After my 4th attempt, I found my problem. Yeesh, that's never happened to me before with a simple multiplication/division problem. This was an easy problem, yet I had difficulties. Uh oh, I hope I don't start putting my car keys in the aquarium.

4th grade. My girls will be doing long division this year, right? I hope so. I need the practice.

I'm driving to work this morning and listening to the 880-WCBS News. A female reporter is at the scene of the Thanksgiving balloons blow-up in the West 70's just of Central Park West. She's talking about the weather for Thanksgiving, worried that the high winds may keep some of the balloons out of the parade. She then lists some of the new balloons for this year, such as Dora the Explorer. Then she says, "Don't worry, the old favorites will also be there" and names Charlie Brown, Big Bird, and SpongeBob. I said, "SpongeBob? SpongeBob is considered old an old favorite?" SpongeBob is like, what, 5 years old? Either I'm getting old or the reporters are getting younger. Unfortunately, I think both are true.
If she wants the old favorite balloons, think "Bullwinkle," "Underdog," and "Olive Oyl."