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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Brian Williams; Steven Wright; and Sanjaya Malakar. PLUS:A Beautiful Day in the City; What Will Replace “The Producers”; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Special Top Ten List; and Small Town News.
“. . . and now, gout-crippled British Monarch . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
The weather today in the metro area was absolutely perfect today. It hit 84 today, one degree less that the record set in 1996. We take a look at the beautiful day from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office building. Ahhh, blue skies, low humidity . . . and there’s our building engineer George Clarke lying on a beach chair applying some suntan lotion on his topless body. Uhhh, well, it WAS a beautiful day.
After a six-year run on Broadway, “The Producers” finally closed on Sunday. But as with any bad news, there is a silver lining. Announcer: “After six years, 12 Tony Awards, and millions of laughs, the Broadway sensation ‘The Producers’ came to an end this week. But if you’re a fan of hilarious songs, you’re in luck because Bialystock and Bloom are making way for another wacky musical duo, McCain and Kucinich performing all your favorite hits, including ‘Bomb Iran’ and ‘16 Tons.’ (clips of McCain and Kucinich).
McCain and Kucinich: Now and forever.”
What do you say we take another look-see at our building engineer George Clarke. Nice. The guy knows how to relax.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES - We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush dropping the microphone
ACT 2
Coming up next week: Impressionist Week II!
Slated: Rob Magnotti.
John Byner.
Reggie Reg.
Mike MacRae.
And one mystery slot remains. Who will fill that slot? It remains a mystery . . . to us, too.
Paul would like to try out for the open slot
SMALL TOWN NEWS
- The Tribune Chronicle (Warren, Ohio): “Suspicious activity was reported at Circle K. Several juveniles bought five dozen eggs, and said they were making a really big omelet.”
- The Spring Enterprise (Spring Hope, North Carolina): a guy sitting in a lounge chair giving blood; reading a book - “Teacher and coach Robbie Kennedy donates blood. Kennedy said this is one of the few ways he can get some time to himself.” (My guess: he’s a dad of three kids under 10.)
- The Record (Wayne, New Jersey): “Senate candidate Tom Kean, Jr. and his wife Rhonda during his concession speech at the Bridgewater Marriott.” (photo of Kean and Rudy Giuliani) Dave says, “It’s one of those marriages Giuliani keeps forgetting about.” Paul plays a bit of “Help Me, Rhonda” and mentions “Al Jardine.” Who’s Al Jardine? Nooooo! I’m kidding. Let’s not go there again.
- The Deer Park Tribune (Deer Park, Washington): “Free beef with the tires you buy.”
- The Ocean County Observer (Toms River, New Jersey): “State: Don’t eat squirrel near toxic dump.”
- The Daily Times (Maryville, Tennessee): A classified ad: “Electric chair, top of the line, good condition, like new, $1100.”
- The Leader-News (Greenville, Kentucky): (costumes sold by a guy who fears infringement) “Red Monster, SpongeBoy, Purple Dinosaur, Spider Guy”
- The Beaumont Enterprise (Beaumont, Texas): A classified ad for “Livestock: Used Cows, 7 pair.” Paul and Dave then discuss what makes up a pair of used cows. A mom and dad cow/bull? Dave suggests it’s a cow and a calf. Paul isn’t sure. He goes off on a tangent and then finally requests that he fill the slot for the opening in Impressionist Week II.
- The Lamar Democrat (Vernon, Alabama): “The Florida Boys Quartet will be in concert.” OK, let’s count how many are in the quartet. There are 6 in the Florida Boys Quartet.
- Wilmington New Journal (Wilmington, Delaware): “Q: Can you give me some information on the cremation of Catholics? Is it okay or not? Also, what is chicken fried steak?”
- The Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, North Carolina): Weddings – Jennifer Olin and Frederick Hubbartt Sexton were joined in marriage on July 31st, 2004.” We see a wedding photo of Jennifer and a horse. That’s one smooth-talking horse.
- Minot Daily News (Minot, North Dakota): “Bill would enable blind people to hunt with crossbows.”
Sometimes I feel like Nicolas Cage in “Next.”
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Things I Learned From “American Idol” – Sanjaya made it to the Final 7 before he was voted off. What has Sanjaya learned from “American Idol”? He’s here tonight to tell us. 10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your Mohawk. 4. When you forget the words, just do this (sings a pitchy, “ooohhhhhhhh”) 1. America loves performers with bad hair . . . right, Dave?
Dave walks over the Sanjaya to thank him for his visit. Dave thanks him and then there is an awkward exit. Sanjaya hesitates and goes for what looks like a second handshake. After a false start to exit, he finally makes his exit.
Paul enjoyed the #4 in the Top Ten. He wanted to hear Sanjaya’s “Ooohhhhhhh” one more time. Dave calls Sanjaya to return for his “ooohhhhhhh.” Again, his departure was awkward.
Remarks Dave: “He seems a little too comfortable here.” Twice he didn’t want to leave.
My take: He’s pretty darn smooth for a 17-year-old. And good for you for being comfortable. Sanjaya was thrust into the national limelight for unintended reasons and he handled it pretty well. And he’s just 17.
ACT 4 BRIAN WILLIAMS: The anchor of NBC’s Nightly News. Brian is old school. He remembers when you couldn’t say “Sanjaya” on TV. “You would have to say ‘private parts.’”
This Thursday, Brian will be the moderator for the first presidential debate of the season. There will be 8 Democratic candidates participating. Each will have 60 seconds to answer with a 30-second rebuttal. Brian expects chaos but he’ll be moderating the chaos.
What about John Edwards $400 haircut? Brian says the rule of thumb when it comes to haircuts: “Just keep going to the neighborhood guy.” He’s right. Keep it simple. Stay loyal to the locals. America likes that. And I think when Brian said, “Just keep going to the neighborhood guy,” he meant with everything; the barber, the butcher, the diner.
Dave holds up a photo of a high school pitcher. It is Brian’s son, Douglas. Over the weekend, high school sophomore Douglas Williams pitched his first game for the varsity team. Dave says from the photo, it looks like Doug is about to “snap off a yakker.” Brian says it was “high cheese.” Ooh, I liked the not-too-familiar baseball lingo. No slouches, here. Brian tells what it’s like to be a parent of a high school athlete. It is very unnerving. You pop the Xanax like M&Ms. Douglas’ line: “5 innings; gave up 10, 6 earned.” I liked how Brian gave Douglas’ stats; very baseball-ese. Final score: 28-23. 6 earned runs in 5 innings of a 28-23 game is pretty darn good. Plus, the other team was older. “Some” Brian swears, “had wives and children in attendance. It really wasn’t fair.” Not only is Brian Williams a network news anchor, but he’s a typical dad.
Dave asks about the massacre at Virginia Tech and how NBC handled the situation when they received the video tape from the shooter. He says the tapes almost literally landed on their doorstep. NBC notified the FBI immediately. By anyone’s definition, what was on the tapes was news. What was on it may have provided some answers to the questions about this deranged kid. NBC decided to air some of the video but they also decided not to air a lot of it. They took great sensitivity in deciding what to show and what not to show. And they will not show any of it again.
My take: I watched the NBC News that night knowing they would show clips so I’m no innocent in this either. If I was aghast at their decision, I would have made a point NOT to watch. I can’t say what NBC did was terrible if I made sure I was there to watch it. When I heard they had the tapes I knew they would broadcast at least some of it. And I knew that if CBS, ABC, FOX, CNN, or any other network got the tapes they would have shown them too. Not only was I curious to see what was on the tapes, but I was curious to see how they showed the tapes. I thought they did everything fine until they went into the first commercial break and teased, “Stay tuned for more video from the Virginia Tech shooter” (or something like that.) They used it as a promo to watch their news show. They used it not only as news, but as a “come on” for their program. That’s the part I didn’t like.
I still remember Brian Williams’ first visit to the LATE SHOW years ago before his taking the helm at NBC News. He may have been a last minute fill in, I don’t know, but none of us were ready for what he offered. He was big-time FUNNY. Great stories, great ad libs. I don’t remember exactly how he opened, but Dave said something like, “Hello, Brian, it’s great to have you here.”
He responded with something like, “Oh, no it isn’t. We all know I’m just filling a slot.” It wasn’t that exactly, but that was the flavor. I laughed out loud and immediately sat up and took notice. I’ve been a fan of Brian Williams’ ever since. How can you not like him? He likes baseball, was a volunteer fireman, and knows the importance of staying loyal to the neighborhood.
ACT 5
The most down-loaded show on the internet is the Tony Mendez Show! Join Tony this week as he goes behind the scenes at the LATE SHOW. Just log on to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You’ll be glad you did!
We’ll be right back.
ACT 6-7 STEVEN WRIGHT: He’s always been a favorite of mine. He puts the “dead” in deadpan. I liked his “quote-unquote” joke; practice makes perfect; what would a phone look like if your mouth and ear weren’t so close together; and a trophy wife.
His new DVD is entitled, “When The Leaves Blow Away.”
And that was our show for Monday April 23, 2007.
Moments after the show is over, I leave the theater and go out to 53rd Street and then re-enter the office building up the block near Broadway. I’m never sure what I’ll find when I open the door to the street. Sometimes there is nobody outside waiting to catch a glimpse of a departing celebrity. Sometimes there are hundreds. Tonight, there were hundreds. I always ask myself the same thing when there is a huge crowd, “Who did we have on tonight?” By the time the show is over, yes, I often have already forgotten who was on the show. Tonight’s crowd was for Sanjaya.
This reminded me of one of my saddest days at the LATE SHOW. I was leaving the theater. There was a huge crowd outside. I realized the crowd was waiting for Paul Newman to leave the building. “That makes sense” I thought. “Paul Newman is one of the greats.” And then I realized they weren’t waiting for Paul Newman. They were waiting for Clay Aiken.
And then I remember the time we had Hugh Grant on the show. Afterwards outside, nobody as outside. 6 months later we had him on the show again. In the gap between his visits, he had that incident with the prostitute. And after the second visit, hundreds were outside on 53rd Street to catch a glimpse of the sudden new megastar. And ain’t that America.
Who gets the biggest crowds on 53rd Street after the show? It’s still John Travolta. He consistently gets a throng.
An ad in Monday’s New York Post regarding the NFL draft this Saturday: It’s to be held at Radio City Music Hall. The copy lead reads: “Who Wants It More?”
Does that make any sense? “Who Wants It More?” “Who Wants It More” may fit when talking about a football game, but it makes no sense when talking about the NFL draft. Or am I missing something?
I got nothing for the Wahoo today. I feel like a junk-ball pitcher who has doesn’t have his stuff working. I’m gonna have to struggle to get through this.
This year’s back porch plantings include: tomatoes; peppers; pansies.
I heard someone describe a recent movie as a “film noir.” I said, “Film Noir . . . I think that’s French for ‘low budget.’”
How long will it be before “Alec Baldwin” is used as a verb, as in, “Listen, you brat, you don’t want me to go ‘Alec Baldwin’ on you, do you?”
And now more useless information from “The Book of Useless Information.”
- a dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119 ridges.
- Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush
- About a third of people flush while still sitting on the toilet seat
- Most toilets flush in E flat
- The first toilet ever seen on TV was on “Leave It To Beaver”
The Wahoo Gazette: transcripts soon available.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cleveland, Ohio and a big fan of Opie Taylor, it’s Kathy Paulsen
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Brian Williams; Steven Wright; and Sanjaya Malakar. PLUS:A Beautiful Day in the City; What Will Replace “The Producers”; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Special Top Ten List; and Small Town News.
“. . . and now, gout-crippled British Monarch . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
The weather today in the metro area was absolutely perfect today. It hit 84 today, one degree less that the record set in 1996. We take a look at the beautiful day from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office building. Ahhh, blue skies, low humidity . . . and there’s our building engineer George Clarke lying on a beach chair applying some suntan lotion on his topless body. Uhhh, well, it WAS a beautiful day.
After a six-year run on Broadway, “The Producers” finally closed on Sunday. But as with any bad news, there is a silver lining. Announcer: “After six years, 12 Tony Awards, and millions of laughs, the Broadway sensation ‘The Producers’ came to an end this week. But if you’re a fan of hilarious songs, you’re in luck because Bialystock and Bloom are making way for another wacky musical duo, McCain and Kucinich performing all your favorite hits, including ‘Bomb Iran’ and ‘16 Tons.’ (clips of McCain and Kucinich).
McCain and Kucinich: Now and forever.”
What do you say we take another look-see at our building engineer George Clarke. Nice. The guy knows how to relax.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES - We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush dropping the microphone
ACT 2
Coming up next week: Impressionist Week II!
Slated: Rob Magnotti.
John Byner.
Reggie Reg.
Mike MacRae.
And one mystery slot remains. Who will fill that slot? It remains a mystery . . . to us, too.
Paul would like to try out for the open slot
SMALL TOWN NEWS
- The Tribune Chronicle (Warren, Ohio): “Suspicious activity was reported at Circle K. Several juveniles bought five dozen eggs, and said they were making a really big omelet.”
- The Spring Enterprise (Spring Hope, North Carolina): a guy sitting in a lounge chair giving blood; reading a book - “Teacher and coach Robbie Kennedy donates blood. Kennedy said this is one of the few ways he can get some time to himself.” (My guess: he’s a dad of three kids under 10.)
- The Record (Wayne, New Jersey): “Senate candidate Tom Kean, Jr. and his wife Rhonda during his concession speech at the Bridgewater Marriott.” (photo of Kean and Rudy Giuliani) Dave says, “It’s one of those marriages Giuliani keeps forgetting about.” Paul plays a bit of “Help Me, Rhonda” and mentions “Al Jardine.” Who’s Al Jardine? Nooooo! I’m kidding. Let’s not go there again.
- The Deer Park Tribune (Deer Park, Washington): “Free beef with the tires you buy.”
- The Ocean County Observer (Toms River, New Jersey): “State: Don’t eat squirrel near toxic dump.”
- The Daily Times (Maryville, Tennessee): A classified ad: “Electric chair, top of the line, good condition, like new, $1100.”
- The Leader-News (Greenville, Kentucky): (costumes sold by a guy who fears infringement) “Red Monster, SpongeBoy, Purple Dinosaur, Spider Guy”
- The Beaumont Enterprise (Beaumont, Texas): A classified ad for “Livestock: Used Cows, 7 pair.” Paul and Dave then discuss what makes up a pair of used cows. A mom and dad cow/bull? Dave suggests it’s a cow and a calf. Paul isn’t sure. He goes off on a tangent and then finally requests that he fill the slot for the opening in Impressionist Week II.
- The Lamar Democrat (Vernon, Alabama): “The Florida Boys Quartet will be in concert.” OK, let’s count how many are in the quartet. There are 6 in the Florida Boys Quartet.
- Wilmington New Journal (Wilmington, Delaware): “Q: Can you give me some information on the cremation of Catholics? Is it okay or not? Also, what is chicken fried steak?”
- The Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, North Carolina): Weddings – Jennifer Olin and Frederick Hubbartt Sexton were joined in marriage on July 31st, 2004.” We see a wedding photo of Jennifer and a horse. That’s one smooth-talking horse.
- Minot Daily News (Minot, North Dakota): “Bill would enable blind people to hunt with crossbows.”
Sometimes I feel like Nicolas Cage in “Next.”
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Things I Learned From “American Idol” – Sanjaya made it to the Final 7 before he was voted off. What has Sanjaya learned from “American Idol”? He’s here tonight to tell us. 10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your Mohawk. 4. When you forget the words, just do this (sings a pitchy, “ooohhhhhhhh”) 1. America loves performers with bad hair . . . right, Dave?
Dave walks over the Sanjaya to thank him for his visit. Dave thanks him and then there is an awkward exit. Sanjaya hesitates and goes for what looks like a second handshake. After a false start to exit, he finally makes his exit.
Paul enjoyed the #4 in the Top Ten. He wanted to hear Sanjaya’s “Ooohhhhhhh” one more time. Dave calls Sanjaya to return for his “ooohhhhhhh.” Again, his departure was awkward.
Remarks Dave: “He seems a little too comfortable here.” Twice he didn’t want to leave.
My take: He’s pretty darn smooth for a 17-year-old. And good for you for being comfortable. Sanjaya was thrust into the national limelight for unintended reasons and he handled it pretty well. And he’s just 17.
ACT 4 BRIAN WILLIAMS: The anchor of NBC’s Nightly News. Brian is old school. He remembers when you couldn’t say “Sanjaya” on TV. “You would have to say ‘private parts.’”
This Thursday, Brian will be the moderator for the first presidential debate of the season. There will be 8 Democratic candidates participating. Each will have 60 seconds to answer with a 30-second rebuttal. Brian expects chaos but he’ll be moderating the chaos.
What about John Edwards $400 haircut? Brian says the rule of thumb when it comes to haircuts: “Just keep going to the neighborhood guy.” He’s right. Keep it simple. Stay loyal to the locals. America likes that. And I think when Brian said, “Just keep going to the neighborhood guy,” he meant with everything; the barber, the butcher, the diner.
Dave holds up a photo of a high school pitcher. It is Brian’s son, Douglas. Over the weekend, high school sophomore Douglas Williams pitched his first game for the varsity team. Dave says from the photo, it looks like Doug is about to “snap off a yakker.” Brian says it was “high cheese.” Ooh, I liked the not-too-familiar baseball lingo. No slouches, here. Brian tells what it’s like to be a parent of a high school athlete. It is very unnerving. You pop the Xanax like M&Ms. Douglas’ line: “5 innings; gave up 10, 6 earned.” I liked how Brian gave Douglas’ stats; very baseball-ese. Final score: 28-23. 6 earned runs in 5 innings of a 28-23 game is pretty darn good. Plus, the other team was older. “Some” Brian swears, “had wives and children in attendance. It really wasn’t fair.” Not only is Brian Williams a network news anchor, but he’s a typical dad.
Dave asks about the massacre at Virginia Tech and how NBC handled the situation when they received the video tape from the shooter. He says the tapes almost literally landed on their doorstep. NBC notified the FBI immediately. By anyone’s definition, what was on the tapes was news. What was on it may have provided some answers to the questions about this deranged kid. NBC decided to air some of the video but they also decided not to air a lot of it. They took great sensitivity in deciding what to show and what not to show. And they will not show any of it again.
My take: I watched the NBC News that night knowing they would show clips so I’m no innocent in this either. If I was aghast at their decision, I would have made a point NOT to watch. I can’t say what NBC did was terrible if I made sure I was there to watch it. When I heard they had the tapes I knew they would broadcast at least some of it. And I knew that if CBS, ABC, FOX, CNN, or any other network got the tapes they would have shown them too. Not only was I curious to see what was on the tapes, but I was curious to see how they showed the tapes. I thought they did everything fine until they went into the first commercial break and teased, “Stay tuned for more video from the Virginia Tech shooter” (or something like that.) They used it as a promo to watch their news show. They used it not only as news, but as a “come on” for their program. That’s the part I didn’t like.
I still remember Brian Williams’ first visit to the LATE SHOW years ago before his taking the helm at NBC News. He may have been a last minute fill in, I don’t know, but none of us were ready for what he offered. He was big-time FUNNY. Great stories, great ad libs. I don’t remember exactly how he opened, but Dave said something like, “Hello, Brian, it’s great to have you here.”
He responded with something like, “Oh, no it isn’t. We all know I’m just filling a slot.” It wasn’t that exactly, but that was the flavor. I laughed out loud and immediately sat up and took notice. I’ve been a fan of Brian Williams’ ever since. How can you not like him? He likes baseball, was a volunteer fireman, and knows the importance of staying loyal to the neighborhood.
ACT 5
The most down-loaded show on the internet is the Tony Mendez Show! Join Tony this week as he goes behind the scenes at the LATE SHOW. Just log on to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You’ll be glad you did!
We’ll be right back.
ACT 6-7 STEVEN WRIGHT: He’s always been a favorite of mine. He puts the “dead” in deadpan. I liked his “quote-unquote” joke; practice makes perfect; what would a phone look like if your mouth and ear weren’t so close together; and a trophy wife.
His new DVD is entitled, “When The Leaves Blow Away.”
And that was our show for Monday April 23, 2007.
Moments after the show is over, I leave the theater and go out to 53rd Street and then re-enter the office building up the block near Broadway. I’m never sure what I’ll find when I open the door to the street. Sometimes there is nobody outside waiting to catch a glimpse of a departing celebrity. Sometimes there are hundreds. Tonight, there were hundreds. I always ask myself the same thing when there is a huge crowd, “Who did we have on tonight?” By the time the show is over, yes, I often have already forgotten who was on the show. Tonight’s crowd was for Sanjaya.
This reminded me of one of my saddest days at the LATE SHOW. I was leaving the theater. There was a huge crowd outside. I realized the crowd was waiting for Paul Newman to leave the building. “That makes sense” I thought. “Paul Newman is one of the greats.” And then I realized they weren’t waiting for Paul Newman. They were waiting for Clay Aiken.
And then I remember the time we had Hugh Grant on the show. Afterwards outside, nobody as outside. 6 months later we had him on the show again. In the gap between his visits, he had that incident with the prostitute. And after the second visit, hundreds were outside on 53rd Street to catch a glimpse of the sudden new megastar. And ain’t that America.
Who gets the biggest crowds on 53rd Street after the show? It’s still John Travolta. He consistently gets a throng.
An ad in Monday’s New York Post regarding the NFL draft this Saturday: It’s to be held at Radio City Music Hall. The copy lead reads: “Who Wants It More?”
Does that make any sense? “Who Wants It More?” “Who Wants It More” may fit when talking about a football game, but it makes no sense when talking about the NFL draft. Or am I missing something?
I got nothing for the Wahoo today. I feel like a junk-ball pitcher who has doesn’t have his stuff working. I’m gonna have to struggle to get through this.
This year’s back porch plantings include: tomatoes; peppers; pansies.
I heard someone describe a recent movie as a “film noir.” I said, “Film Noir . . . I think that’s French for ‘low budget.’”
How long will it be before “Alec Baldwin” is used as a verb, as in, “Listen, you brat, you don’t want me to go ‘Alec Baldwin’ on you, do you?”
And now more useless information from “The Book of Useless Information.”
- a dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119 ridges.
- Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush
- About a third of people flush while still sitting on the toilet seat
- Most toilets flush in E flat
- The first toilet ever seen on TV was on “Leave It To Beaver”
The Wahoo Gazette: transcripts soon available.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cleveland, Ohio and a big fan of Opie Taylor, it’s Kathy Paulsen
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • George Clarke on the Roof • "The Producers" Closed / McCain-Kucinich • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Next Week: Impressionist Week 2 • Small Town News
ACT 3 • Top Ten Things I Learned From "American Idol" Read now
