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TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Frank Caliendo; Andy Dick; and Jarvis Cocker. PLUS:Regis Returns; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, Staples Employee of the Month . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
During the pre-show Q&A, for the first time in 25 years someone asked Dave his middle name. Answer: Constantine. For asking such a unique/not-so-unique question, Dave gives the gentleman a dinner-for-two certificate. And those sitting around him reap the benefit as they too receive free dinners. Dave laughs at the concern shown by our executive producer at the costs of giving away so many dinners.
And tonight, my dinner will be a bag of popcorn eaten on my way home in the car.
Regis Philbin returned to the show yesterday after a long absence. Heart bypass surgery can really take a toll on a person, but it looks like Regis is as good as new. We watch a clip from yesterday’s program.
We see Kelly excitedly yammering away about something. Regis, sitting along side her at the desk, remains motionless. He is frozen still like a Madame Toussauds. I work in the business so I noticed it. Did you?
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush talking about some new advance in technology. He says something like, “ . . . you can fly it . . . . from a . . . . . truck!”
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS – tonight’s batch from the FBMI came from a submission form. If you have a fun fact, send it in.
- Rain contains Vitamin B12
- Almonds are a member of the peach family
- The sun shrinks five feet every hour
- Eight out of ten marriages end in divorce
- Dwight Eisenhower removed his own tonsils with a Swiss army knife
- After administering anesthesia, 65% of dentists admit to putting party hats on patients
- Since George W. Bush bought his Crawford Ranch, he has pretended to clear more than 30 acres of brush
- Neil Armstrong says the most thrilling experience of his life was the Log Flume at Six Flags
- Despite their bickering, friends believe that Donald Trump and Rosie will ultimately end up together
- Two of Gladys Knight’s Pips are now high-ranking Taliban officials
- In addition to his various Scientology works, L.Ron Hubbard also published an anthology of Polish jokes
- Dick Van Dyke and Dick Van Patten have agreed to be judges on a new reality show called, “America’s Next Top Dick Van”
- To advertise its quick-rising breadsticks, Pillsbury briefly made its doughboy anatomically correct
- Expect construction delays all weekend on northbound lanes of the Taconic State Parkway
- The Wright Brothers’ unsuccessful first airplane was pulled by horses
- Some biblical scholars believe that during the summer, Jesus turned water into Sangria
- Michelangelo took four years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but the first three of those he was just scraping
- Is your exterminator poisoning vermin or Grandpa? John Stossel has some answers that may surprise you.
- Unlike the CIA and FBI, the makers of Cheese Nips and Cheez-Its constantly exchange information
- The most common street name in the United States is 24th Street
- The second most frequently spoken word in the English language is “geyser”
- Ronald Reagan is the only president to have lip-synched the oath of office
- In addition to radioactivity, new Geiger counters can detect cold cuts that have gone bad
- You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking to meet women
- Mike Wallace has suspended for two weeks by CBS in 1987 when he asked Margaret Thatcher to take off her top
And thems the Fun Facts.
ACT 3
During the commercial break, the CBS orchestra, with Felicia Collins on vocals, performed . . . . dang it, I forgot what they played but it was an Aretha Franklin song. Very very nice.
TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want To Hear At Your Prom
- It’s prom season. Average cost for a prom-goer: $500.
- Average cost of a dress: $231
- Popular themes: Springtime in Paris; Hopelessly Devoted; Hollywood Nights; Paint the Town Red; Hour of Enchantment
Paul makes a comment about “Hour of Enchantment.” Or maybe he just sighed and giggled a naughty laugh, remembering his own “hour of enchantment” on his prom night. And it was for this reason I added it to the list and put it last on the list. I hoped it would elicit a response from Dave or Paul.
Dave tells a story of his going to the prom or to a high school dance. All the girls would get dressed up pretty and smell great. There would be great excitement . . . but then he would realize he couldn’t dance. It ended in disappointment. Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear At Your Prom: 9. “The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch.” 4. “Surprise! I wore my Spock ears!”
FRANK CALIENDO: As George W. Bush – live via satellite from the Oval Office.
The President is a big fan of the show. He especially likes those Dr. Phil clips. That guy can say some pretty stupid things, says the President.
What’s happening with Iraq? The President says something about the “best laid plans” but can’t remember the exact quote. He admits it to being an unfinished plan but he’s continually working on the . . . . planification for Iraq.
Big election coming up in 2008. Who is he leaning towards? The President says he likes that Melinda Doolittle a lot. And he’s glad they voted off that Sangria kid.
Poll Numbers have Bush with a 36% approval rating. Yup, more than half. “It’s not because they disagree with my actions . . . they just don’t agree with what I’m doing. Plus, he gets a lot of blame when things go wrong because when someone in his administration screws up, he’ll step forward and take responsibility. Bush cites, “that’s right, Dave, the Buick stops here.”
Is he worried about his legacy? No, he’ll be happy to be remembered as a guy who tried.
And that’s our President. He never sounded so smart.
ACT 4 WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: from TV’s Coach Millerton, “It’s a quart of Shell Motor Oil.”
Dave thinks . . . . and says he is trying to connect this with the Exxon Valdez. I laughed at the near-20 year old reference.
says it will float. Paul says it will float. The Late Show models drop the quart of Shell Motor Oil into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . FLOATS.
FYI: Filling in for Anna Jack, who is on her honeymoon, is George Clarke.
ACT 5 Announce: “Hey, prisoners, do you have a funny idea for our show? Send it in to:
“I’m A Prisoner and I Have A Funny Idea for the Late Show”
c/o The Late Show with David Letterman.
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.
If we use your idea, you’ll get a free “I’m A Prisoner and I Have A Funny Idea For The Late Show” t-shirt, just like Elliot Benstock from Forrest City Prison in Arizona.
We’ll be right back.
ACT 6 ANDY DICK: Hey, Andy and Dave are dressed almost alike – dark, pinstripe suit; white shirt, red tie. Dave admonishes Mr. Dick for chewing gum while sitting in the guest chair. Dave makes him remove his gum. Andy takes out his gum and sticks it under Dave’s desk. Dave hands Andy a tissue for Andy to wrap the gum but instead Andy sticks the tissue onto the gum under the desk. Dave gives Andy the evil eye and Andy takes the gum off the desk and puts it in his pocket.
How has Andy been? Rehabbing? Andy says to Dave, “How about this . . . you don’t ask me how I’m doing and I don’t ask you how you’re doing.”
But just in case you’re wondering, Las Vegas has him listed in their Death Pool.
The last time Andy was here he talked about finding his biological father. They’ve talked on the phone, but they haven’t met yet. He remembers talking to him recently and his dad said, “I know I wasn’t around much for the first 40 years . . .” Andy exclaims, “Not around MUCH? How about ‘Not around at all’?” Why haven’t they met yet? Andy is saving it for a new project he’s working on for Comedy Central. Their talks on the phone are brief now since Andy wants to save everything for the show.
And Andy has a new comedy CD which he explains was very cathartic in getting out a lot of his anger. The CD is entitled, “Do Your Shows Always Suck?” He’ll also be appearing at Cobb’s Comedy Store in San Francisco, May 3-6th.
What most impressed me about the Andy Dick segment . . . I think I saw him sitting with his right leg crossed over his left, and then near the end he changed it by putting his left over his right. He seemed just as comfortable either way. I’m totally a left leg over right. Right over left doesn’t work for me at all.
ACT 7 JARVIS COCKER: a founding member of the popular British band, Pulp, from his solo debut CD “Jarvis,” Jarvis Cocker performed “Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time.”
And that was our show for Friday April 27, 2007.
Did you see Alec Baldwin on “The View” apologizing and explaining his actions from last week? Every report I’ve seen and heard about what he said to his daughter regards it as a terrible thing for a child to hear from a parent . . . and every report I’ve seen and heard replays what Alec Baldwin said, just in case his daughter may have missed it.
Well, it looks like Hugh Grant is trying to jump start his career again.
Another vote for Greatest 45 ever:
From Roger Miller of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania:
“In case you still care about the Greatest 45s ever, my vote goes to: The Beatles: We Can Work It Out / Day Tripper Love the Show and The Wazoo Gazette! You rock!”
While everyone is asking the Boston Red Sox about Curt Schilling’s bloody sock in the 2004 ALCS vs. the Yankees, I wish someone would ask Yankee manager Joe Torre why nobody bunted against him.
Hey, horse race fans, Letterman’s Humor is running in the 8th race this Sunday the 29th at Delaware Park in Wilmington, Delaware. He’s the #8 horse and is going off at 15-1. There are 8 horses in the race.
I’m thinking of building my own MySpace page. I want to get in on it before the kids learn about it. I like being a leader, not a joiner.
STEPPIN' OUT- THE 12 STEP RADIO SHOW, A 12 STEP MEETING ON THE AIR IS NOW ON IN NEW YORK ON:
WOR RADIO 710 AM
EVERY SATURDAY AFTER MIDNIGHT
FROM 1AM TO 3AM
Check out the website at www.steppinoutradio.com
My plans for the weekend:
Clean the house of all unnecessary junk.
Go to garage sales.
Does that make any sense?
Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Normal, Illinois, it’s Marsha Blair.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Frank Caliendo; Andy Dick; and Jarvis Cocker. PLUS:Regis Returns; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, Staples Employee of the Month . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
During the pre-show Q&A, for the first time in 25 years someone asked Dave his middle name. Answer: Constantine. For asking such a unique/not-so-unique question, Dave gives the gentleman a dinner-for-two certificate. And those sitting around him reap the benefit as they too receive free dinners. Dave laughs at the concern shown by our executive producer at the costs of giving away so many dinners.
And tonight, my dinner will be a bag of popcorn eaten on my way home in the car.
Regis Philbin returned to the show yesterday after a long absence. Heart bypass surgery can really take a toll on a person, but it looks like Regis is as good as new. We watch a clip from yesterday’s program.
We see Kelly excitedly yammering away about something. Regis, sitting along side her at the desk, remains motionless. He is frozen still like a Madame Toussauds. I work in the business so I noticed it. Did you?
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush talking about some new advance in technology. He says something like, “ . . . you can fly it . . . . from a . . . . . truck!”
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS – tonight’s batch from the FBMI came from a submission form. If you have a fun fact, send it in.
- Rain contains Vitamin B12
- Almonds are a member of the peach family
- The sun shrinks five feet every hour
- Eight out of ten marriages end in divorce
- Dwight Eisenhower removed his own tonsils with a Swiss army knife
- After administering anesthesia, 65% of dentists admit to putting party hats on patients
- Since George W. Bush bought his Crawford Ranch, he has pretended to clear more than 30 acres of brush
- Neil Armstrong says the most thrilling experience of his life was the Log Flume at Six Flags
- Despite their bickering, friends believe that Donald Trump and Rosie will ultimately end up together
- Two of Gladys Knight’s Pips are now high-ranking Taliban officials
- In addition to his various Scientology works, L.Ron Hubbard also published an anthology of Polish jokes
- Dick Van Dyke and Dick Van Patten have agreed to be judges on a new reality show called, “America’s Next Top Dick Van”
- To advertise its quick-rising breadsticks, Pillsbury briefly made its doughboy anatomically correct
- Expect construction delays all weekend on northbound lanes of the Taconic State Parkway
- The Wright Brothers’ unsuccessful first airplane was pulled by horses
- Some biblical scholars believe that during the summer, Jesus turned water into Sangria
- Michelangelo took four years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but the first three of those he was just scraping
- Is your exterminator poisoning vermin or Grandpa? John Stossel has some answers that may surprise you.
- Unlike the CIA and FBI, the makers of Cheese Nips and Cheez-Its constantly exchange information
- The most common street name in the United States is 24th Street
- The second most frequently spoken word in the English language is “geyser”
- Ronald Reagan is the only president to have lip-synched the oath of office
- In addition to radioactivity, new Geiger counters can detect cold cuts that have gone bad
- You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking to meet women
- Mike Wallace has suspended for two weeks by CBS in 1987 when he asked Margaret Thatcher to take off her top
And thems the Fun Facts.
ACT 3
During the commercial break, the CBS orchestra, with Felicia Collins on vocals, performed . . . . dang it, I forgot what they played but it was an Aretha Franklin song. Very very nice.
TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want To Hear At Your Prom
- It’s prom season. Average cost for a prom-goer: $500.
- Average cost of a dress: $231
- Popular themes: Springtime in Paris; Hopelessly Devoted; Hollywood Nights; Paint the Town Red; Hour of Enchantment
Paul makes a comment about “Hour of Enchantment.” Or maybe he just sighed and giggled a naughty laugh, remembering his own “hour of enchantment” on his prom night. And it was for this reason I added it to the list and put it last on the list. I hoped it would elicit a response from Dave or Paul.
Dave tells a story of his going to the prom or to a high school dance. All the girls would get dressed up pretty and smell great. There would be great excitement . . . but then he would realize he couldn’t dance. It ended in disappointment. Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear At Your Prom: 9. “The janitor is making a fresh batch of punch.” 4. “Surprise! I wore my Spock ears!”
FRANK CALIENDO: As George W. Bush – live via satellite from the Oval Office.
The President is a big fan of the show. He especially likes those Dr. Phil clips. That guy can say some pretty stupid things, says the President.
What’s happening with Iraq? The President says something about the “best laid plans” but can’t remember the exact quote. He admits it to being an unfinished plan but he’s continually working on the . . . . planification for Iraq.
Big election coming up in 2008. Who is he leaning towards? The President says he likes that Melinda Doolittle a lot. And he’s glad they voted off that Sangria kid.
Poll Numbers have Bush with a 36% approval rating. Yup, more than half. “It’s not because they disagree with my actions . . . they just don’t agree with what I’m doing. Plus, he gets a lot of blame when things go wrong because when someone in his administration screws up, he’ll step forward and take responsibility. Bush cites, “that’s right, Dave, the Buick stops here.”
Is he worried about his legacy? No, he’ll be happy to be remembered as a guy who tried.
And that’s our President. He never sounded so smart.
ACT 4 WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: from TV’s Coach Millerton, “It’s a quart of Shell Motor Oil.”
Dave thinks . . . . and says he is trying to connect this with the Exxon Valdez. I laughed at the near-20 year old reference.
says it will float. Paul says it will float. The Late Show models drop the quart of Shell Motor Oil into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . FLOATS.
FYI: Filling in for Anna Jack, who is on her honeymoon, is George Clarke.
ACT 5 Announce: “Hey, prisoners, do you have a funny idea for our show? Send it in to:
“I’m A Prisoner and I Have A Funny Idea for the Late Show”
c/o The Late Show with David Letterman.
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.
If we use your idea, you’ll get a free “I’m A Prisoner and I Have A Funny Idea For The Late Show” t-shirt, just like Elliot Benstock from Forrest City Prison in Arizona.
We’ll be right back.
ACT 6 ANDY DICK: Hey, Andy and Dave are dressed almost alike – dark, pinstripe suit; white shirt, red tie. Dave admonishes Mr. Dick for chewing gum while sitting in the guest chair. Dave makes him remove his gum. Andy takes out his gum and sticks it under Dave’s desk. Dave hands Andy a tissue for Andy to wrap the gum but instead Andy sticks the tissue onto the gum under the desk. Dave gives Andy the evil eye and Andy takes the gum off the desk and puts it in his pocket.
How has Andy been? Rehabbing? Andy says to Dave, “How about this . . . you don’t ask me how I’m doing and I don’t ask you how you’re doing.”
But just in case you’re wondering, Las Vegas has him listed in their Death Pool.
The last time Andy was here he talked about finding his biological father. They’ve talked on the phone, but they haven’t met yet. He remembers talking to him recently and his dad said, “I know I wasn’t around much for the first 40 years . . .” Andy exclaims, “Not around MUCH? How about ‘Not around at all’?” Why haven’t they met yet? Andy is saving it for a new project he’s working on for Comedy Central. Their talks on the phone are brief now since Andy wants to save everything for the show.
And Andy has a new comedy CD which he explains was very cathartic in getting out a lot of his anger. The CD is entitled, “Do Your Shows Always Suck?” He’ll also be appearing at Cobb’s Comedy Store in San Francisco, May 3-6th.
What most impressed me about the Andy Dick segment . . . I think I saw him sitting with his right leg crossed over his left, and then near the end he changed it by putting his left over his right. He seemed just as comfortable either way. I’m totally a left leg over right. Right over left doesn’t work for me at all.
ACT 7 JARVIS COCKER: a founding member of the popular British band, Pulp, from his solo debut CD “Jarvis,” Jarvis Cocker performed “Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time.”
And that was our show for Friday April 27, 2007.
Did you see Alec Baldwin on “The View” apologizing and explaining his actions from last week? Every report I’ve seen and heard about what he said to his daughter regards it as a terrible thing for a child to hear from a parent . . . and every report I’ve seen and heard replays what Alec Baldwin said, just in case his daughter may have missed it.
Well, it looks like Hugh Grant is trying to jump start his career again.
Another vote for Greatest 45 ever:
From Roger Miller of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania:
“In case you still care about the Greatest 45s ever, my vote goes to: The Beatles: We Can Work It Out / Day Tripper Love the Show and The Wazoo Gazette! You rock!”
While everyone is asking the Boston Red Sox about Curt Schilling’s bloody sock in the 2004 ALCS vs. the Yankees, I wish someone would ask Yankee manager Joe Torre why nobody bunted against him.
Hey, horse race fans, Letterman’s Humor is running in the 8th race this Sunday the 29th at Delaware Park in Wilmington, Delaware. He’s the #8 horse and is going off at 15-1. There are 8 horses in the race.
I’m thinking of building my own MySpace page. I want to get in on it before the kids learn about it. I like being a leader, not a joiner.
STEPPIN' OUT- THE 12 STEP RADIO SHOW, A 12 STEP MEETING ON THE AIR IS NOW ON IN NEW YORK ON:
WOR RADIO 710 AM
EVERY SATURDAY AFTER MIDNIGHT
FROM 1AM TO 3AM
Check out the website at www.steppinoutradio.com
My plans for the weekend:
Clean the house of all unnecessary junk.
Go to garage sales.
Does that make any sense?
Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Normal, Illinois, it’s Marsha Blair.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Regis Returns: Good as New • Bill Richardson Announcement • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3 • Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear at Your Prom Read now
