" . . . and now, a man who features designer styling at a fraction of the cost . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1
It's the fastest growing music sensation, it's STUMP THE BAND! Some people may think the fastest growing music sensation would be "American Idol", but no, it's Stump the Band.
Stump the Band is something we borrowed years ago from Mr. Johnny Carson and conveniently forgot to return. Tonight, unfortunately, Paul must have gotten the wrong memo because he was set to play "Carnac." Paul holds up an envelope that contains a question. Paul puts the envelope up to his brain and gives the answer to the question sealed inside.
Paul: "George W. Bush and Dolly Parton."
Paul opens envelope and reads the question: "Name three enormous boobs."
Now that that's out of the way, it's time to play Stump the Band.

STB#1: Dillon Heap of DuQuoin, Illinois. He's here with his grandparents visiting New York City. Come this Fall, Dillon will be attending the University of Evansville (Indiana). Dave says, "Oh, Evansville . . . . the Aces!" Dillon says that is correct. I wonder if Evansville was on Dave's list when deciding where to go to college?
Dillon's song: "Ham and Eggs"
Horn player Bruce Kapler claims to know this song. To the tune of ZZ Top's 'Legs', he sings:
"Ham and eggs
She knows how to make 'em
Rye toast and butter
With a side of bacon.
I could eat it all
But my cholesterol
Would be outta sight."

Good song, Bruce. Wrong song, Bruce. Dillon sings his song and he gets a dinner for two or three.

STB#2
Erin Catt of Orlando, Florida. She's an entertainer at Disneyworld. She often plays a costumed character. Her favorite? She can't say but the character is "practically perfect in every way." Oh, I knew that one. Dave didn't know nor did it seem as if the audience knew. Erin reveals the character to be Mary Poppins. Her song: Hagalena Magalena Boomstata Watstata Hugga Mugga Wugga Was Her Name."
Will Lee pretends to know the song and since a song similar to Hava Nagela. I doubt it the spelling is correct, but it is more commonly known as, "Oh, Yeah, That Jewish Song."
Will did a nice job on it but it was not the right song. Erin sings her version and she gets a dinner for two or three.

STB#3
Midshipman Carolyn Horiye of the United States Navy. She is from South San Francisco. She is here for Fleet Week. What ship is she aboard? Midshipman Horiye responds sharply, "The USS Wasp, sir." Dave asks, "And what kind of ship is that?" Midshipman Horiye smartly answers, "The #1 ship in the fleet, sir." To answer every question Dave asked, she ended her answer with 'sir." I liked that/ Her song: "The Goat is Old and Gnarly."
The band is quite sure they know this one. Singing to the tune of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy," the CBS Orchestra sings,
"The goat is old an gnarly
The goat is old an gnarly
The goat is old an gnarly
Like Gnarls Barkley.
The goat is old an gnarly
The goat is old an gnarly
The goat is old an gnarly
Like Charles Barkley."

And that was Stump the Band. Oh, and we also have something else. . . . it's Fleet Week. Hundreds of men and women from the United States Navy (white uniforms), the United States Marine Corps (khaki shirt/blue pants), and the United States Coast Guard (light blue shirt/blue pants) briskly march into the theater and stand at attention. They are the finest we have to offer.

ACT 2
Al Gore is on the program tonight to plug his new book, "The Assault on Reason." Dave was leafing through it before reading it and noticed something odd on the dedication page. Dave opens it up to reveal Al's dedication: "To my soul mate, Paris. I'll wait for you."

And of course "The Reagan Diaries" were published this week and we have been highlighting passages all week. We take a look at another excerpt.

"January 20th, 1989: My last day as President. During my remaining hours in office, I walked the grounds one last time, said farewell to the staff, and stole thousands of dollars in office supplies.
This has been an excerpt from the 'Reagan Diaries.'"

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see President George W. Bush: "And so . . . it's . . . uhhh . . . . it's uhhh . . . . . . . ."

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Signs You're Watching A Bad Pirate Movie 3. Instead of hook, pirate's missing hand replaced by giant "We're #1" foam finger.

ACT 3, 4, 6
AL GORE - Al enters wearing a leisurely suit of black, no tie. Dave says, "Would it have killed you to wear a tie?" I "Played the Al" and said, "It's too hot to wear a tie!" Al didn't say it. I lost at "Play the Al."
Dave congratulates Al on his winning the Academy Award. Al knew he had a hit on his hands. Come on, just consider what he had going for it: Al Gore; a slide show; global warming. It was an obvious blockbuster!
Dave says when he watched the film, "An Inconvenient Truth," he found himself thinking to himself, "Oh, boy, we're screwed." And then at the end, the film offered 5 things we could do to stop the direction we are headed. Unfortunately, Dave can't remember any of them. Before Al can remind him, Dave asks about the carbon dioxide saturation in the southern ocean. We emit 70 million tons of pollution into the atmosphere every day. Much of it is absorbed by the oceans but it is getting to the point where it cannot absorb anymore. Al then says that he has been on many talk shows since the film has come out and Dave is the very first to ask about the carbon dioxide level in the southern ocean. I quickly called our research department to congratulate them on coming up with such splendid question. The accepted the congratulatory note but then had to admit that the question did not come from them; it was all Dave's. After more talk about global warming and what we can do to change, the subject turns to Iraq. Gore feels we went in to Iraq in spite of the facts and reasons and knowledge of why we shouldn't and instead reacted to impressions and ideology and pre-conceived notions. What should we have done? Al says we should have gone into Afghanistan and stayed there until we got Osama bin Laden. What can we do to make this turn out to be a job well done? Al says it can't turn out well. Going in to Iraq has turned into the worst blunder in our history. We were attacked on 9-11, but Iraq had nothing to do with it, although 2/3 of Americans think Saddam was the cause.
Before saying goodnight, Dave sneaks in a quick "Thinking of running? You're thinking of running." Al laughs and says over the goodbye applause, "I'm not thinking about running."

ACT 5
It's the sailors out on 53rd Street. Ahoy.

ACT 7
JIM SHORT: His new CD is called, "Deep Beneath the Surface of the Earth." He's from Australia. He believes 35 is no longer a mature enough age to become President of the United States. He offers some humorous images of helping your 35-year-old buddy move into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

And that was our show for Thursday, May 24, 2007.



Do you know that Al Gore can hypnotize chickens?

The Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, the unofficial start of the summer. 40 years ago it was "The Summer of Love." How will this summer be remembered? It's up to you. And as always, you'll wake on Monday to find it's Memorial Day. You'll go to sleep that night and when you wake it'll be Labor Day. Yes, summers go that fast these days.

When does 20 not equal 20? Answer: When the traffic report on the radio says there is a 20 minute delay on the Palisades Parkway on the approach to the George Washington Bridge. When they say there's a 15-minute delay, the delay is about 15 minutes. It's pretty accurate. When the report claims a 25-minute delay, the delay is just about right at 25 minutes. But when the traffic reports says there is a 20-minute delay, that means the delay could range from 0 minutes to an hour and a half. 20 minutes it the clue that they don't have a report on the Palisades Parkway. Instead of saying, "We don't know," they'll say there is a 20 minute delay on the Pal. It's their fallback. To them, 20 minutes is a good guess.

Here's an invention I'm working on . . . or maybe it's just an idea I'm trying to sell. I would make those patches you find on the back of Levi blue jeans. My Levi patches would read W-30. You would remove the patch that came with your jeans and you would sew on this new patch. People behind you on the UP escalator would think you have a 30 waist.

A thank you to Wahoo reader Jeff Hysen of Silver Spring, Maryland for reminding me of another pet peeve of mine. He writes:

"Here's one of your hot-button topics: I checked the Mets schedule to see when they were playing on Memorial Day. After all, I'm off and I want to see my team play. Well, they're off as well."

In Wednesday's USA Today: The U.N is promoting a campaign to plant more than 1 billion trees to help fight climate change.
And now the amusing comment . . .
And to get the word out, they've printed 100 million flyers.

And I'll be keeping an eye on the Division III Lacrosse championships this Sunday, May 27th when my Alma Mater SUNY Cortland takes on Salisbury at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore.
I always thought it odd for a bank to be called M&T. Say it fast and it sounds like Empty Bank.

And now more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information."
-The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for traffic lights to change
-90% of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right
-The longest kiss on record lasted 130 hours, 2 minutes.
-Halifax, Nova Scotia has the largest number of bars per capita than anywhere else in the world
-It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7 % of the world's population is drunk

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

"Six two and even, over and out."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today. Happy 44th birthday, Kathy McIntee Quinn. Holy cow! My baby sister is 44 years old!
And it's Joanne Onderdonk's birthday, too!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER