" . . . . and now, extreme fighting world champion . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1
The 133rd Running of the Kentucky Derby is tomorrow from Churchill Downs. Dave's favorite part of the Kentucky Derby? It's Dave Johnson's call as the horses head for the home stretch: "And DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!" Dave the host loves the call, calling it one of the best in all of sports. Dave the host has had Dave Johnson on the show, via the phone, for the past 7 years to give his famed call. This is how I reported the very first time Dave Johnson was on the show:

May 7, 2001 - Wahoo Gazette:
THE KENTUCKY DERBY: Dave's favorite part of the Kentucky Derby, mine too, is hearing announcer Dave Johnson at the final turn scream out, "And down the stretch they come!" Dave kicked back Saturday evening for just that. As the race came down the home stretch, what did we hear? Nothing. Where was it? Where was "And down the stretch they come?" Well, Dave Johnson works for ABC Television. This year, NBC bought the rights and so Dave Johnson was relegated to radio. That's why we did not hear "And down the stretch they come." Not hearing the traditional call ruined Dave's Saturday. What to do? Dave did what any man in his position would do. He called Dave Johnson and had him announce "and down the stretch they come" over the phone. Whenever Dave picked up the phone on his desk, Mr. Johnson would exclaim "And down the stretch they come."

It's time for A MESSAGE FROM BILL RICHARDSON: From the recent Democratic Presidential debate: "I think the American people want / a huge / president."

Have you heard about the new pill that allows you to forget unpleasant memories? Check out this announcement.
I can't find the script. The way I remember it, it was a promo for a new pill, something called Propranolol or something like that. Take it, and you'll forget unpleasant memories . . . . like this:
Cut to shot of the gaggle of babblers on "The View."
It went something like that.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush: "uhhhh uhhhh I'm serious about it."

ACT 2
Late Show Fun Facts: a letter from Dave's friend at the FBMI - the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information: Dear Mr. Letterman,
I'm pleased to enclose the latest assortment of 'Fun Facts' assembled by the FBMI staff. I also encourage you to call the FBMI's new toll free hotline to hear our "Fun Fact of the Day."
Dave quickly reaches for the phone to hear today's Fun Fact of the Day.
We hear: "Thank you for calling the FBMIs Fun Fact of the Day hotline. Due to heavy call volume, we cannot complete you call. Please try again later."
Who knew?
Late Show Fun Facts:
-An apple, potato, and onion all taste the same if you eat them with your nose plugged
-Your brain is 80% water
-The "Vintage Date" on a bottle of wine indicates the year the grapes were picked, not the year of bottling.
-Harry Truman would often go on vacation and secretly have his twin brother Larry take his place
-Because he forgot his boots, Buzz Aldrin walked barefoot on the moon
-During a 9-month strike in 2002, the Weather Channel broadcast reruns
-Governor Schwarzenegger devotes an hour each Wednesday to helping California residents with jars they can't open
-New data suggests that so-called global warming may be due to a batch of faulty thermometers
-Eleanor Roosevelt was a whiz at guessing people's weight
-Frank Sinatra didn't want to record the song "My Way" but was forced to by his record label
-In China, John Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath" is translated as "Angry Berries."
-Until 1958, the winner of the Nobel Prize for Chemistry was determined by applause
-David Brenner's Masters Thesis was entitled, "Why Don't They Make the Entire Plane Out of the Black Box?"
-Until 1947, the winner of the Masters Golf Tournament received a green jacket and matching fez
-Abraham Lincoln's publicist threatened to pull him out of the Lincoln-Douglas debates if he had to speak second
-Which of your friends to you think your husband would most like to "make whoopee" to?
-While recovering from intestinal surgery, Chubby Checker wrote a song about his twisted colon
-Whenever he traveled, Johnny Appleseed planted apple trees and knocked up local women
-When Meryl Streep first moved to Hollywood, she made ends meet working as a drug mule
-In 1982, Kim Jong-Il appeared as a contestant on "Tic Tac Dough"
-An embarrassed David Blaine once had to call AAA when he locked his keys in his car
-Two hours after unveiling the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell received a call asking if he'd like to switch long-distance providers

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Surprises in "Spider-Man 3"
8. Spider-Man's secret identity leaked by Dick Cheney.
3. The professor can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't build a raft to get them off the island?

REGGIE REG: The talented comedian and impressionist can be seen performing regularly at the "Jokes and Notes Comedy Club" in Chicago.
Tonight, we hear messages left on the President's Answering Machine.
-George W. Bush
-Chris Rock
-Bill Cosby
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
-Bill Clinton
-Morgan Freeman
-Jesse Jackson
-Denzel Washington
-George W. Bush.

And that closes out Impressionist Week 2. To recap:
Monday: Rob Magnotti
Tuesday: John Byner
Wednesday: Mike MacRae
Thursday: Joe Piscopo
Friday: Reggie Reg

ACT 4, 6
RAY ROMANO:
He's in town for the Tribeca Film Festival. Ray is in "The Grand" for a very short appearance. He was going to bring a clip but he would have had to add to it. Ray always has stories about being a dad, stories I always enjoy. His 3rd grade son recently was able to swap a signed headshot photograph of Ray for 2 fruit roll-ups. Ray is quite sure if he still had the show his son could have gotten more.
His 14-year-old twins had a birthday party recently and for the second year in a row they had a monkey as entertainment. Kids love monkeys. This year's monkey was named "Bubbles." Last year's monkey was Pebbles. Ray has learned that monkeys have the same names as strippers. He advises to be extra careful when ordering for a kids' party or for a bachelor party that when you order "Bubbles," you're getting the right "Bubbles."
And he's finding that teens have some rather odd behavior. His wife is losing her patience with them. She's decided to back off, curious to see how long they can go without taking a shower without being told. Ray shakes his head and tells her that is one contest she will not win. Boys can go forever without showering and will not shower until the government steps in. It's a no-win situation. You have to pick your fights and Ray knows to pick a different fight. And it will soon when the boys will soon discover something in the show that will make it hard to get them out. The way Ray described it was funny but I'd rather not write about it here.
This year, Ray and his wife celebrate 20 years of marriage. She recently got annoyed at Ray for the nickname he came up with for her. She is a mother of four, so he's been calling her "MoFo." She doesn't care for it much.
And he's learned that when a couple gets older, it's difficult for both to be "in the mood" at the same time. By that he means that women are not often in the mood. Men tend to be in that mood quite frequently. For woman, it's more of a blip on the radar . . . . and it's a very delicate blip. One wrong step, one wrong move, and the blip will flatten and she'll no longer be in the mood. Alcohol helps, but it creates a very very small window. The gap between "in the mood" and "fast asleep" is minimal. Driving home from a party, you know you have to get there FAST. And when you read about an older couple having sex in the car, it isn't because they are trying to re-live their youth . . . it's that the guy was running out of time.
Ray Romano - always funny. He'll be performing Saturday night at the Mirage Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.

ACT 5
Announce: "And now it's time for a 'Late Show Mic Check.'
Our sound guy, Pete Pellen, steps in to check out Alan Kalter's microphone.
Pete: "Check one, check one check check, 1,2,3,4,5,6, check check, check check. One one one. Check one."
Announce: "This has been a 'Late Show Mic Check.' Thanks for coming."

ACT 7
DENNIS HAYSBERT: From the popular CBS program, "The Unit," Tuesdays at 9:00.
The Unit is a covert team of Special Forces; an anti-terrorist group who risk their lives detonating bombs and stuff. He's learned quite a bit about counterterrorism units and has gotten great responses from those in the field. Whenever Dave watches Dennis on the program, he feels the need to buy insurance. This is because Dennis is a pitchman for Allstate, whose deep powerful voice can be heard at the narrator for Allstate commercials, and ends asking, "Are you in good hands?"
He also says the tagline, "Trouble never takes a holiday, and neither should you." Dennis has also taken up deep sea diving and he actually holds a world record. He has been deeper underwater than anyone else wearing what's known as a 'movie mask.' The previous record was a depth of 100 feet; Dennis has gone 165 feet while diving for a show on the Discovery Channel entitled, "Secrets of Pearl Harbor." He explored the USS Saratoga and the Japanese ship, Nagato.

And that was our show for Friday, May 4, 2007.



Monologue joke:
DAVE: "To help the environment, Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant a million trees. And it's not just trees. Down the middle of Park Avenue, there'll be rows of corn." That's no joke, people. I remember a few years back someone had planted corn down the center aisle on Park Avenue or Broadway. It was a great image. And every time I decide it's Broadway, something tells me it was Park Avenue, and then when I decide it's Park Ave, something tells me it was Broadway. Either way, I've seen corn stalks sprouting in Manhattan.

I seem to always to be on the search of things that make me angry. My new peeve is those college stickers that people put on the rear windshield. You know the ones: "Cornell" spelled out, or "Wesleyan" or "Notre Dame." So many of them aren't centered! The sticker will be too much to the left or too much to the right or tilted up or down. It looks stupid and slipshod. And a lot of these are from Ivy League schools! And Engineering schools, too. You would think these smarty-pants would know how to put a sticker on their car correctly. Don't they know how to center a sticker? Or keep it level? Where is the thinking? Sure, they may be book smart, but can they apply it to everyday situations? If I was going to put a permanent sticker on my car, I would be sure to put it on right . . . and I went to a State school.

And now my Cinco de Mayo story. I was at a party around this time of year. The subject of Cinco de Mayo came up. The host said it was a celebration of Mexico's Independence Day. I told him it wasn't. He insisted. I softly said that I think it had something to do with a battle in the mid 1800's, around 1860, and it celebrated a military victory of Mexico . . . . against the French. He scoffed at me for being so wrong. He said the victory was against Spain, reminding me that they speak Spanish in Mexico, not French. I told him I thought Mexico's Independence Day was in September or October. He said I was wrong, not quite believing that I could be so dim on this subject. I guarded against embarrassing him but he did not try to protect me of the same. He was very very sure of himself and sure of my error. I let it go since it was HIS house and he was entertaining HIS family and friends. I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his invited guests. I pretended to sort of accept his story, but let it subtly known that I would be Googling the information later when I got home. I really wasn't going to Google "Cinco de Mayo" but I said that to bait the others in the room to do so when they got home.
The host of the party always came off as a very intelligent person, and I still think he is, but he sounded so SURE about Cinco de Mayo when I knew he was wrong. Now I question EVERYTHING he says no matter how sure he is. In fact, the more sure he sounds, the more doubt I have. He's always confident in what he has to say, but now I know he could be wrong. He was wrong about Cinco de Mayo; who knows what else he's been wrong about all these years? Before leaving, I mentioned to his loud brother-in-law that I would be Googling "Cinco de Mayo" when I got home, just for curiosity sake. I played up how the subject really intrigued me. By the time I left, I was sure the brother-in-law was going to Google it, too. And I knew when HE found out I was right, he was going to let everyone know.
The host does throw a good party, though.

There's a site on the Letterman newsgroup that shows shots of each and every Late Show. I have no idea if he's allowed to do this but I find it entertaining. The guy, who calls himself Boston Bill, has been at if for a few years now and has registered over 29,000 hits. My goal is to be hit #30,000. My guess is it'll be some time in late spring/early summer. Check it out and let me know what number you got. Check out the shots he captured from Thursday's show.
http://community.webtv.net/bostonbill41/ThursdayStillShots53

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

"Six two and even, over and out."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today, from the Rockland Rockets, it's Kelly Connolly
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER