Bruce Willis; Tony Parker; and the Diving Dogs.
PLUS: Nose News; the Price is Right; Great Moments; and a top ten list.

" . . . and now, journeyman knuckleballer . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Old business: Dave's nose. A few weeks ago he was roughhousing with his boy, Harry. Harry's 3-and-a-half year old knee cracked into Dave's 60-year-old nose. Dave, a hypochondriac, took himself to the doctor. The doctor scheduled Dave for a straightening. It involved splints. It resulted in the worst pain in Dave's life. The pain was made bearable with handfuls of meds. Dave shows the splints that were inserted and then taken out of his nose. The two splints looked like the tabs you find on the edge of your files in your filing cabinet. Now that the splints are out, Dave still can't breathe. The doctor explained it was due to inflammation. Now that the inflammation has gone down, Dave finds that with each breath though his nose, a high-whistling tone can be heard. Just the other day, Dave performed "Home on the Range" simply by breathing through his nose. The splints that were once in his nose are no longer needed by Dave. They are available on our website to the highest bidder.

You're here on a good night. We got the Diving Dogs out on 53rd Street. We'll be checking in on them later in the program.

The search is on to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price is Right," and CBS has released this message.
Announcer:

"For 35 years, he's been a beloved game-show host and one of America's leading animal-rights activists. But now that Bob Barker is retiring, it can mean only one thing . . . . 'The Price is Right' can give away fur coats again, along with hunting trips, stuffed and mounted deer heads . . . if it involves a dead animal, we've got it! And you'll love our new games, like 'Eat the Beef' and 'Shoot the Moose.' 'The Price is Right': Let the blood games begin."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "First, lemme talk about . . . . . ." He has nothing to say.

ACT 2
Back from commercial, Dave takes out his meds and gulps down another handful . . . . perhaps to make the show bearable.

DIVING DOGS #1: Mako - an Australian Shepherd. Mako is 3 years old, 45 pounds, and from Miami, Florida. His owner is Lourdes Edlin. Lourdes says the Australian Shepherd is not from Australia. And French Fries aren't from France, and English Muffins are not from England. Mako is new to the sport of diving, coming over from the Frisbee League.
Mako is ready to jump. He runs down the runway and leaps 18 feet through the air before landing in the Purina Pool.

TOP TEN: Things Paris Hilton Will Miss About Prison.
She's out today. We had Paris in jail while Osama is still free.
#8. Bartering with cigarettes helped math skills
#6. Guards who look like Rosie O'Donnell

DIVING DOGS #2: Reggie - a black Labrador Retriever. Reggie is a beautiful black Labrador Retriever; 3 years old; 73 pounds, and from Red Lion, Pennsylvania. Owner: Scott Conrad. I'm not much of a dog guy, or any pet for that matter, but I must say Reggie is one heck of a good-looking doggie.
Reggie is up for his jump and leaps 25 feet, 7 inches. That's a very tough jump to beat.

ACT 3
BRUCE WILLIS: Mr. Willis enters with a very odd windmill hat atop his head. The spinning windmill sits above a three-foot stand. What's the deal with the windmill hat? Bruce explains that he, like much of Hollywood, has gone "green" and is making the environment a priority. Rumor has it he flew in on a private jet to make than announcement. Bruce says he was inspired by Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" but thinks the movie may have gotten a few things wrong. For one, he thinks "global warming" isn't the real problem; it's "global humidity." That's right, it's not the heat, it's the humidity. What else is Bruce doing to better the environment? He's wearing boxer briefs made of recycled tires. And taking a cue from Mr. Gore, Bruce is working on his own film about his concern for the environment. The working title is called, "An Unappealing Hunch."
Bruce's other commercial venture is his venture into illegal fireworks. The 4th of July is coming and everyone is busy looking for illegal fireworks. Bruce wants to make it easier. Bruce has brought a sample of his line of fireworks; the huge "Ka-Bruce" firecracker. The "Ka-Bruce" is the size of one of those new mini Heineken kegs on the market. On the side of the firecracker reads, "Light fuse, get away, wear a cup." To show how it works, Bruce decides to light the "Ka-Bruce." He gives the lighter to Dave who lights the fuse. Dave and Bruce cower by the spiral staircase as the fuse burns down. While Dave and Bruce hide, our warm-up comedian Eddie Brill gets some great face-time on the TV. The fuse burns down to the end . . . . and nothing happens. It's a dud. Bruce explains the problem may stem from his placing a pre-show drink on top of the "Ka-Bruce," dampening the wick and firecracker. Ahhh, too bad. Bruce throws his "Ka-Bruce" away through the window behind Dave's desk. And then just before the two big stars return to their chairs, the "Ka-Bruce" explodes in the skyline. The ka-boom was theater-shaking. This piece of videotape would make a great PSA for anyone thinking of dabbling in illegal fireworks this year. "Don't Place Your Drink on Your Fireworks!"
We see a clip of Bruce's new action adventure blockbuster, "Live Free or Die Hard," opening this Wednesday.
Bruce was intrigued by the Diving Dogs and wants to try something. We have a pool. We have a tall building. Bruce wants to jump off the roof of the building into the pool. When we come back from commercial, we will witness Bruce's leap.

ACT 4
We find Bruce Willis on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building. We see the pool 7 floors below on 53rd Street. Bruce is ready. Bruce runs to the edge of the building and leaps over the ledge. We see him falling haphazardly towards earth and the pool. Unfortunately, he missed the pool. Poor Bruce lies bloodied and battered on the sidewalk. Nice try, Mr. Hollywood Blockbuster. The man is always stretching the envelope, enriching all our lives.
While watching Bruce make his leap over the side of the Ed Sullivan Theater building, I thought it looked like an episode of "The Tony Mendez Show."

ACT 5
It's a replay of the Bruce leap.

ACT 6
DIVING DOGS #3: Rebel - a yellow Labrador Retriever. Rebel is our final leaper. Rebel is a youthful 21 months old, 67 pounds, from Amherst, New York. Rebel is another beautiful dog. Rebel is up and running and leaps a distance of 24 feet, 8 inches. It's a nice jump but it cannot best Reggie.
A trophy full of dog biscuits if presented to Reggie.
And that's our Diving Dogs, just one part of the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge.

ACT 7
TONY PARKER: Point guard for your NBA champion San Antonio Spurs and NBA Finals MVP. His Spurs swept the LeBron James-led Cleveland Cavaliers in 4 games to win the championship. Parker admits their whole game plan was to shut down LeBron, the game's brightest star at the young age of 22.
Tony's route to the NBA is not your typical one. He was born in Belgium and grew up in Paris, France. Soccer is THE game in France but Tony's dad, who grew up in Chicago, was a basketball player in Europe. Tony played both soccer and basketball but by 15, it was all basketball. By 17 he was playing pro ball in Europe and at 18 was drafted by the NBA. He became the youngest point guard ever to start for an NBA team.
Even though Tony Parker is an NBA Finals MVP and a world champion, he may be best known as the fiance to "Desperate Housewives" Eva Longoria. They are engaged to be married 07/07/07 in the celebrity marriage of the year. He admits to not having much to say in the wedding plans. A smile appeared on the face of every married man in America. He says all he's expected to do is show up to the wedding and say "yes." What's next? Tony says he hopes to play for the national team at the Olympics or the World Games, I'm not sure which he said. This was met with applause from the audience. Unfortunately, I think he was talking about the France team, not the United States team.

And that was our show for Monday, June 25, 2007.



*The past 4 days in the New York metropolitan area was the best string of weather around here in over 20 years. Mid-70s and breezy. Absolutely perfect. I say "20 years" because it sounds more impressive than 10 years and 30 years would be an obvious exaggeration. I want to have some credibility.

*It was the first day of summer last week and you know what that means. The days start getting shorter. I know . . . that never seems quite right. I would think the days get longer for another month and then get shorter. Nope. June 21st is the day of most sunlight and every day following has less and less sun, and then things reverse around December 21st.

*I have a vibrating eardrum. Any one know what's causing that? My self-diagnosis is I have indigestion. The bubbling of stomach gasses travels to the ear through the Eustachian tube putting pressure on the ear drum. This causes the eardrum to vibrate. Any vibrating eardrum experts out there?

*You know what new sports term I'm getting tired of? "Swagger." The newspapers and TV and radio guys love to use the word. The Yankees would come into a stadium and awe their opponent simply from the swagger of their body language. Well, the Yankees have lost some of that swagger. And the Mets early season domination has taken a hit lately with a string of losses. The worst part is the Mets have lost their swagger. They need to regain that swagger.

*And speaking of sports; sad news: Baseball reliever Rod Beck has died. He was only 38. And now, my Rod Beck story. Years ago, I had Rod Beck in my baseball fantasy rotisserie fantasy baseball league. Fantasy baseball is a silly diversion to life. You "draft" a group of major league baseball players to perform for your "team" and you compete against other former high school athletes well past their prime who picked players for their team. Points for your team were based on how your players performed in their regular season games. I had Rod Beck as one of my two relievers. I would get a point for every save or win he would get. So I'm at Finn McCool's bar on this night down the street for karaoke night. My wife Denise wants to sing some Patsy Cline. I encourage her to pursue her dream. Meanwhile, Sports Center is on the TV behind me. Denise goes up to perform her Patsy Cline. Behind me, I see highlights of the Chicago Cubs game. I have one eye on the TV, one eye on Denise about to go on stage. As she steps to the microphone, I see Rod Beck on the mound for the Cubs. This is good. Beck is the Cubs' closer and probably is about to get a save. On the game's highlights, I see Beck give up a hit and then another hit. Darn. I'm worried he's going to mess up a save situation. He lets up another hit . . . . and then another. Tie game. Damn! The save is gone. Now my hopes hop over to his getting a win. If the Cubs finish the inning tied or behind a run and then come back in the bottom of the ninth to win it, Rod Beck will get the win. He lets up another hit and now the Cubs are losing. They finally get out of the inning and now I need a minor miracle for the Cubs to comeback and win. Well, it was three up, three down and the Cubs lose. More importantly, Rod Beck loses. That really hurts my fantasy baseball team. I turn back to my beer on the bar and take a swig. I look up to see Denise returning from her Patsy Cline performance. I tell her she sounded great. She snaps, "How would you know? You were watching the #$@%# baseball game." And she was right. And that is my Rod Beck story.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
* The poison frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people
* Tree frogs can climb windowpanes
* Frogs must close their eyes to swallow
* It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as ten thousand insects in the course of a summer
* A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth

*And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

*It's 2007 . . . do you know where Osama bin Laden is?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It was his birthday last week. My brother-in-law turned 40 years old, it's Jimmy Dooley.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Bruce Willis; Tony Parker; and the Diving Dogs.
PLUS: Nose News; the Price is Right; Great Moments; and a top ten list.

" . . . and now, journeyman knuckleballer . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Old business: Dave's nose. A few weeks ago he was roughhousing with his boy, Harry. Harry's 3-and-a-half year old knee cracked into Dave's 60-year-old nose. Dave, a hypochondriac, took himself to the doctor. The doctor scheduled Dave for a straightening. It involved splints. It resulted in the worst pain in Dave's life. The pain was made bearable with handfuls of meds. Dave shows the splints that were inserted and then taken out of his nose. The two splints looked like the tabs you find on the edge of your files in your filing cabinet. Now that the splints are out, Dave still can't breathe. The doctor explained it was due to inflammation. Now that the inflammation has gone down, Dave finds that with each breath though his nose, a high-whistling tone can be heard. Just the other day, Dave performed "Home on the Range" simply by breathing through his nose. The splints that were once in his nose are no longer needed by Dave. They are available on our website to the highest bidder.

You're here on a good night. We got the Diving Dogs out on 53rd Street. We'll be checking in on them later in the program.

The search is on to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price is Right," and CBS has released this message.
Announcer:

"For 35 years, he's been a beloved game-show host and one of America's leading animal-rights activists. But now that Bob Barker is retiring, it can mean only one thing . . . . 'The Price is Right' can give away fur coats again, along with hunting trips, stuffed and mounted deer heads . . . if it involves a dead animal, we've got it! And you'll love our new games, like 'Eat the Beef' and 'Shoot the Moose.' 'The Price is Right': Let the blood games begin."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "First, lemme talk about . . . . . ." He has nothing to say.

ACT 2
Back from commercial, Dave takes out his meds and gulps down another handful . . . . perhaps to make the show bearable.

DIVING DOGS #1: Mako - an Australian Shepherd. Mako is 3 years old, 45 pounds, and from Miami, Florida. His owner is Lourdes Edlin. Lourdes says the Australian Shepherd is not from Australia. And French Fries aren't from France, and English Muffins are not from England. Mako is new to the sport of diving, coming over from the Frisbee League.
Mako is ready to jump. He runs down the runway and leaps 18 feet through the air before landing in the Purina Pool.

TOP TEN: Things Paris Hilton Will Miss About Prison.
She's out today. We had Paris in jail while Osama is still free.
#8. Bartering with cigarettes helped math skills
#6. Guards who look like Rosie O'Donnell

DIVING DOGS #2: Reggie - a black Labrador Retriever. Reggie is a beautiful black Labrador Retriever; 3 years old; 73 pounds, and from Red Lion, Pennsylvania. Owner: Scott Conrad. I'm not much of a dog guy, or any pet for that matter, but I must say Reggie is one heck of a good-looking doggie.
Reggie is up for his jump and leaps 25 feet, 7 inches. That's a very tough jump to beat.

ACT 3
BRUCE WILLIS: Mr. Willis enters with a very odd windmill hat atop his head. The spinning windmill sits above a three-foot stand. What's the deal with the windmill hat? Bruce explains that he, like much of Hollywood, has gone "green" and is making the environment a priority. Rumor has it he flew in on a private jet to make than announcement. Bruce says he was inspired by Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" but thinks the movie may have gotten a few things wrong. For one, he thinks "global warming" isn't the real problem; it's "global humidity." That's right, it's not the heat, it's the humidity. What else is Bruce doing to better the environment? He's wearing boxer briefs made of recycled tires. And taking a cue from Mr. Gore, Bruce is working on his own film about his concern for the environment. The working title is called, "An Unappealing Hunch."
Bruce's other commercial venture is his venture into illegal fireworks. The 4th of July is coming and everyone is busy looking for illegal fireworks. Bruce wants to make it easier. Bruce has brought a sample of his line of fireworks; the huge "Ka-Bruce" firecracker. The "Ka-Bruce" is the size of one of those new mini Heineken kegs on the market. On the side of the firecracker reads, "Light fuse, get away, wear a cup." To show how it works, Bruce decides to light the "Ka-Bruce." He gives the lighter to Dave who lights the fuse. Dave and Bruce cower by the spiral staircase as the fuse burns down. While Dave and Bruce hide, our warm-up comedian Eddie Brill gets some great face-time on the TV. The fuse burns down to the end . . . . and nothing happens. It's a dud. Bruce explains the problem may stem from his placing a pre-show drink on top of the "Ka-Bruce," dampening the wick and firecracker. Ahhh, too bad. Bruce throws his "Ka-Bruce" away through the window behind Dave's desk. And then just before the two big stars return to their chairs, the "Ka-Bruce" explodes in the skyline. The ka-boom was theater-shaking. This piece of videotape would make a great PSA for anyone thinking of dabbling in illegal fireworks this year. "Don't Place Your Drink on Your Fireworks!"
We see a clip of Bruce's new action adventure blockbuster, "Live Free or Die Hard," opening this Wednesday.
Bruce was intrigued by the Diving Dogs and wants to try something. We have a pool. We have a tall building. Bruce wants to jump off the roof of the building into the pool. When we come back from commercial, we will witness Bruce's leap.

ACT 4
We find Bruce Willis on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building. We see the pool 7 floors below on 53rd Street. Bruce is ready. Bruce runs to the edge of the building and leaps over the ledge. We see him falling haphazardly towards earth and the pool. Unfortunately, he missed the pool. Poor Bruce lies bloodied and battered on the sidewalk. Nice try, Mr. Hollywood Blockbuster. The man is always stretching the envelope, enriching all our lives.
While watching Bruce make his leap over the side of the Ed Sullivan Theater building, I thought it looked like an episode of "The Tony Mendez Show."

ACT 5
It's a replay of the Bruce leap.

ACT 6
DIVING DOGS #3: Rebel - a yellow Labrador Retriever. Rebel is our final leaper. Rebel is a youthful 21 months old, 67 pounds, from Amherst, New York. Rebel is another beautiful dog. Rebel is up and running and leaps a distance of 24 feet, 8 inches. It's a nice jump but it cannot best Reggie.
A trophy full of dog biscuits if presented to Reggie.
And that's our Diving Dogs, just one part of the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge.

ACT 7
TONY PARKER: Point guard for your NBA champion San Antonio Spurs and NBA Finals MVP. His Spurs swept the LeBron James-led Cleveland Cavaliers in 4 games to win the championship. Parker admits their whole game plan was to shut down LeBron, the game's brightest star at the young age of 22.
Tony's route to the NBA is not your typical one. He was born in Belgium and grew up in Paris, France. Soccer is THE game in France but Tony's dad, who grew up in Chicago, was a basketball player in Europe. Tony played both soccer and basketball but by 15, it was all basketball. By 17 he was playing pro ball in Europe and at 18 was drafted by the NBA. He became the youngest point guard ever to start for an NBA team.
Even though Tony Parker is an NBA Finals MVP and a world champion, he may be best known as the fiance to "Desperate Housewives" Eva Longoria. They are engaged to be married 07/07/07 in the celebrity marriage of the year. He admits to not having much to say in the wedding plans. A smile appeared on the face of every married man in America. He says all he's expected to do is show up to the wedding and say "yes." What's next? Tony says he hopes to play for the national team at the Olympics or the World Games, I'm not sure which he said. This was met with applause from the audience. Unfortunately, I think he was talking about the France team, not the United States team.

And that was our show for Monday, June 25, 2007.



*The past 4 days in the New York metropolitan area was the best string of weather around here in over 20 years. Mid-70s and breezy. Absolutely perfect. I say "20 years" because it sounds more impressive than 10 years and 30 years would be an obvious exaggeration. I want to have some credibility.

*It was the first day of summer last week and you know what that means. The days start getting shorter. I know . . . that never seems quite right. I would think the days get longer for another month and then get shorter. Nope. June 21st is the day of most sunlight and every day following has less and less sun, and then things reverse around December 21st.

*I have a vibrating eardrum. Any one know what's causing that? My self-diagnosis is I have indigestion. The bubbling of stomach gasses travels to the ear through the Eustachian tube putting pressure on the ear drum. This causes the eardrum to vibrate. Any vibrating eardrum experts out there?

*You know what new sports term I'm getting tired of? "Swagger." The newspapers and TV and radio guys love to use the word. The Yankees would come into a stadium and awe their opponent simply from the swagger of their body language. Well, the Yankees have lost some of that swagger. And the Mets early season domination has taken a hit lately with a string of losses. The worst part is the Mets have lost their swagger. They need to regain that swagger.

*And speaking of sports; sad news: Baseball reliever Rod Beck has died. He was only 38. And now, my Rod Beck story. Years ago, I had Rod Beck in my baseball fantasy rotisserie fantasy baseball league. Fantasy baseball is a silly diversion to life. You "draft" a group of major league baseball players to perform for your "team" and you compete against other former high school athletes well past their prime who picked players for their team. Points for your team were based on how your players performed in their regular season games. I had Rod Beck as one of my two relievers. I would get a point for every save or win he would get. So I'm at Finn McCool's bar on this night down the street for karaoke night. My wife Denise wants to sing some Patsy Cline. I encourage her to pursue her dream. Meanwhile, Sports Center is on the TV behind me. Denise goes up to perform her Patsy Cline. Behind me, I see highlights of the Chicago Cubs game. I have one eye on the TV, one eye on Denise about to go on stage. As she steps to the microphone, I see Rod Beck on the mound for the Cubs. This is good. Beck is the Cubs' closer and probably is about to get a save. On the game's highlights, I see Beck give up a hit and then another hit. Darn. I'm worried he's going to mess up a save situation. He lets up another hit . . . . and then another. Tie game. Damn! The save is gone. Now my hopes hop over to his getting a win. If the Cubs finish the inning tied or behind a run and then come back in the bottom of the ninth to win it, Rod Beck will get the win. He lets up another hit and now the Cubs are losing. They finally get out of the inning and now I need a minor miracle for the Cubs to comeback and win. Well, it was three up, three down and the Cubs lose. More importantly, Rod Beck loses. That really hurts my fantasy baseball team. I turn back to my beer on the bar and take a swig. I look up to see Denise returning from her Patsy Cline performance. I tell her she sounded great. She snaps, "How would you know? You were watching the #$@%# baseball game." And she was right. And that is my Rod Beck story.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
* The poison frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people
* Tree frogs can climb windowpanes
* Frogs must close their eyes to swallow
* It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as ten thousand insects in the course of a summer
* A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth

*And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

*It's 2007 . . . do you know where Osama bin Laden is?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It was his birthday last week. My brother-in-law turned 40 years old, it's Jimmy Dooley.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER