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Thursday, July 26, 2007
Show #2791
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Sharon Osbourne; Brian Kiley; and Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
PLUS: “The Last Supper”; Biff Interrupts; Lindsay’s Supporters; a Family from Ohio; Kids Letters to Lindsay Lohan; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Is This Anything; and a special Top Ten with the New York Mets.

Cold Open: Dave and Jude standing backstage. Dave begins, “You know, I . . .
Jude puts her hand up, “Just shut up and leave me alone.”
Dave mumbles, “Fine.”

“. . . and now, tambourine-playing folk singer . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1
During the pre-show Q&A, a woman in the audience asked Dave, “Who works harder, you are Regis?”
Dave scoffs and gives an example of Regis’ entire day:
Dave takes a sip of his coffee. It’s just that and telling anecdotes.

A computer analyst claims to have found a hidden image in Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” painting. We take a look at the “Last Supper” which we are familiar with. And then we take another, closer look at it after computer analysis. In the background, overhead, we can clearly see a sign for “Red Lobster.” How about that? It shouldn’t surprise anyone, though. The supper was, after all, attended by fishermen.

Back LIVE to Dave, we see Biff lean in and count down, “Three . . . two . . . one . . . YOU’RE ON, DAVE!” Biff exits. Odd. Dave tells Biff that he’s been on for the last 12 minutes. Biff, unscripted, responds “I didn’t realize that.”

And then some more “Old Turkey Buzzard” from Paul and the band.

In the past few days, there’s been a lot of unforgiving media coverage about Lindsay Lohan’s arrest. Dave has compassion for the gal, explaining that he was just like her during his earlier years. The same is true about me. I was getting in trouble back then and I was making minimum wage. The only thing that kept me alive was a lack of money.
Fortunately, Lindsay has her supporters. We see a message of support.
Announcer: “In just a few short years, Lindsay Lohan has gone from precocious child star to hard-living addict on the brink of self-destruction. And now her latest scandal raises the question: ‘Can a troubled young person rebound from such disgraceful drunk-driving charges to lead a healthy, productive life?’”
We see a split screen of Bush and Cheney.
The Bush photo reads: BUSH: DUI – 1976.
The Cheney photo reads: CHENEY: DWI – 1962, 1963
“Yes. Hang in there, girlfriend, from all your pals at the White House.”

And then behind Dave walking by the window, we see a family of four. ‘Out-of-towners’ they appear. Dave turns and asks the father of the tourist family, “Can I help you with something?”
FATHER: “Yes, is this the Lexington Avenue crater?”
DAVE: “No, this is a TV show. For the Lexington Avenue crater you need to go east . . . and south a few blocks.”
FATHER: “OK, thank you.”
As they exit, the mom offers, “Sorry, we’re from Ohio.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES. We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush in front of an audience mumbling and stumbling and fumbling while looking for an example of how we are making progress in Iraq.

ACT 2
KIDS LETTERS TO LINDSAY LOHAN: We’re all concerned about Lindsay Lohan. Some kids at Camp Breezway in Millbrook, New York have taken it upon themselves to write to Lindsay to offer encouragement. We take a look at some of those letters and drawings.
- “I like when you make funny shapes out of your car” – Sean (drawing of a car mangled around a lightpost.)
- “Does this mean you’re going to be on ‘Cops’?” – Nicholas
- “If Nicole Richie goes to jail, at least you’ll have a friend when you get there” – Allison
- “If you lose your driver’s license, my Grandpa say it’s even more fun to drink on the bus” – Evan
- “Blame your crazy car, like you did in that ‘Herbie’ movie.” – Nathan
- “Dear Lindsay, maybe when you get out of jail you can be on Larry King.” – Seth

Suddenly, Johnny Dark enters in a State Trooper uniform. He is scribbling something in his summons book. Dave asks, “What . . . what are you doing?”
Johnny the Trooper answers, “I am writing you a ticket . . . for exceeding the legal limit of hilariousness.”
Johnny exits with a sarcastic laugh. Dave was able to detect the sarcasm.
Dave continues with the kids’ letters to Lindsay.
- “Dear Lindsay, now that you’re back in rehab, you’ll have time to read ‘Harry Potter.’ - Allan
- “Dear Lindsay, my mom wears the same ankle bracelet you do.” – John
- “Are you gonna shave your head like Britney?” - Haylie

Whenever we get to the guests, I let out a sigh of relief. Much of my responsibility for the show is now over. A lot of it, but not all of it. During the Kids Letters to Lindsay Lohan, Dave flubbed reading one of the cards. I immediately thought I made a typo on the clue card. I’m always afraid to check the card afterwards, always expecting the worst. Someone saw my angst and checked the card during next segment. He came back with good news for me that the blue card was fine. I still doubted this, but now I had some hope. I thought he was just trying to make me feel better. After the show, I took a hopeful look at the Lindsay blue card . . . . and it was fine. It wasn’t me after all. Phew.

TOP TEN: Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets – you can see it in its entirety somewhere here on the Late Show website. Taking part:
10. Catcher, Paul Lo Duca
9. Outfielder, Shawn Green
8. First baseman, Carlos Delgado
7. Shortstop, Jose Reyes
6. Pitcher, John Maine
5. Relief pitcher, Aaron Heilman
4. Outfield, Lastings Milledge
3. Second baseman, Marlon Anderson
2. Pitcher, Tom Glavine
1. Third baseman, David Wright.

Outside of 1969, I’ve never been much of a Mets fan, but I like this bunch. David Wright and Jose Reyes are two guys you can really get behind. Plus, they have Willie Randolph as a manager, who I’m sure if you put him in a headlock and bent his thumbs back would admit he’s still a Yankee at heart.

ACT 3
SHARON OSBOURNE: From NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” – I hate it when our intros mention the show our guest is promoting but adds, “seen on another network.” C’mon, say it! Say the other network. In this case, it’s NBC! But I’m sure it’s not a decision made by the person writing the intro. And another thing I hate . . . and I just did it myself . . . it’s when someone starts a sentence with, “Well, I’m sure . . . .” First of all, they aren’t “sure”, and second of all, they are usually wrong. Sharon is adorned with a ring the size of a walnut. It looked like something she got playing for the Indianapolis Colts.
Sharon is half of a very successful marriage, a rarity in Hollywood, having been wed to Ozzy Osbourne for 25 years now, and with him for 28.
Old joke: “I’ve been happily married for 8 years . . . . but . . . I’ve been married for 17 years.”
How does Sharon keep the groupies away from Ozzy? She sweetly explains, “With a baseball bat!” So where is Ozzy? He’s out on the Ozzfest tour, its 11th year. Sharon helped organize the tour back in 1996after the organizers for Lollapalooza refused to let Ozzy join the bill.
Sharon is a judge on “America’s Got Talent.” Do the contestants take it seriously? Sharon says, “Like a heart attack!” She then looks Dave in the eye and realizes she probably shouldn’t have said that to a guy who had a quintuple. She apologizes.
What does Sharon think of Lindsay and Britney and Paris and Nicole and all the rest? Sharon snarls a motherly snarl of the 1960s, “They need a bloody good smack on the bum. I don’t feel sorry for those spoiled bitches!”

ACT 4
IS THIS ANYTHING? With Sharon Osbourne. We haven’t done this in a while and it suspiciously looks a lot like “America’s Got Talent” without the big budget. Dave explains how this works. We will see a performance of some kind. Dave and Paul, and today Sharon, will decide if what he had just seen is anything, or nothing. We usually do this indoors, but since it is such a nice day today, we decided to do it outside. Out on 53rd Street we see a guy on unicycle balancing a ladder on his chin.
Paul, in an English accent: “Bloody horrible. I think he should be shot!”
Sharon:. “What would make someone want to do that? It’s nothing!”
Dave: “I agree, it’s nothing.”
And that’s how we play, “Is This Anything?”

It may be nothing, but none on the panel can ride a unicycle. Balancing a ladder on your chin is easier than you think.

ACT 5
Announcer: “And now it’s time for the ‘Thursday Rewind!’ (in a video box over the audience shot, tonight’s Late Show rewinds to the opening credits)
“This has been the ‘Thursday Rewind.’ We’ll be right back with more daredevils and explosions.”

ACT 6
BRIAN KILEY: He can regularly be seen at Caroline’s Comedy Club. The funny Brian touched upon:
Kids – “I don’t get out much . . . 2 kids.”
Taking his daughter to a Justin Timberlake concert – “No one else wanted to go with me.”
Flips flops used to be called ‘thongs.’ – to the kids, “Mommy and I are putting on our thongs and going down to the beach. Want to join us?”
His neighborhood wasn’t very touch – the school bully was only passive aggressive.
School has an abstinence club – we used to call it the Math Club
Low sodium soup – needs salt.

I found myself laughing quite a bit at Brian’s routine. Very funny. I sensed the slightest bit of Woody Allen’s standup in his humor.

ACT 7
YEAH YEAH YEAHS: From their new 5-song CD, “Is Is,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs performed “Down Boy.”

And that was our show for Thursday July 26, 2007.




I’m always a bit surprised what comes into my brain on my way to work in the morning. For instance, I’m driving down the West Side Highway this morning and this is what I think of: Raymond Burr’s “Ironside” and the captain on McHale’s Navy, “Old Leadbottom,” probably got their nickname the same way.

Maybe it’s me . . . maybe it’s not. I’m sitting at the computer this morning and the Rachael Ray show is on TV in the background. She is making hamburgers with a special sauce that includes Worcestershire sauce. So she adds the Worcestershire sauce and she pronounces it, “worster-sheer-shire”. No no no. It’s not “worster-sheer-shire”; its “worster-sheer”. She added too much to the word “Worcestershire.” Isn’t it “worster-sheer”? She put in an extra “shire” there at the end. Rachael Ray makes her living in food, so shouldn’t she know that? Or is she just kidding? I mispronounce words sometimes as an inside joke, such as calling mashed potatoes “Smashed potatoes” based on what my nephew called them when he was just a tot. And my father-in-law always told a story about a fellow cop who called someone “extinguished” instead of “distinguished.” That one got me in trouble when I used it with someone not familiar with the story behind it. I quickly tried to explain it to the non-believer. I think I may be the subject of one of his stories now.
Then I’m thinking that maybe I misheard her. I watched the rest of the recipe being prepared and there at the end she said it again: “Worster-sheer-shire.”
So I looked up Worcestershire in the dictionary. They pronounce it this way:
Worcestershire sauce - "wuster-shur" or "wuster-sheer"
So what’s up, Rachael? Just joking, or is “worster-sheer-shire” also an accepted pronunciation? Or don’t you know your sauces?

I hate running out of typewriter ribbon at work. So few ribbons are up to standards. The one I put in today is very light. The ribbons run about 50-50 good to bad. I guess that’s good enough for IBM ribbons by Lexmark, #1380999.

My wife rents out a small office near home for her work. She needed help installing a label maker the other day. I went over after work. Before we left she said the air conditioner isn’t working and the landlord will be around the next day to take a look at it. Denise said working in the office that day was miserably hot. So I got to the office to do install the label maker into her computer, a simple procedure. Within minutes I was sweating my ass off. Without air conditioning the room was stifling. I didn’t appreciate the magnitude of her discomfort until I experienced it myself. And then I thought: What did people do in the summer 20-30 years ago before air conditioning was standard in office buildings? How could anybody get anything done? And I imagine the dress code was more strict back then. Yeesh, I’d have closed up shop!

And now, even more useless information from “The Ultimate Book of Useless Information” by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the word “spam” is an acronym for “spiced ham”
- the difference between a nook and a cranny is that the nook is a corner and the cranny is a crack.
- James Madison was the smallest president in U.S. history, measuring just five feet four inches and weighing about 98 pounds
- for religious reasons, Franklin Pierce was the only president to say, “I promise” instead of “I swear” at his inauguration.
- the first president to ride in an automobile was William McKinley, after he was shot. He was taken to the hospital in a 1901 Columbia electric ambulance.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New City, New York and a 1976 Ramapo Senior High School graduate, it’s Kent Pedersen.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1
• Cold Open with Dave and Jude
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Hidden Image in The Last Supper
• Biff Cues Dave
• Lindsay Lohan's White House Supporters
• "Man vs. Wild" Promo
• Tourist Family in Dave's Window
• Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2
• Kids' Letters to Lindsay Lohan
• Johnny Dark Interrupts Dave
• Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets
 Read now

ACT 3
• Sharon Osbourne
ACT 4
• More Sharon Osbourne with "Is This Anything?"
 Watch now
ACT 5
• Audience Shot: "Thursday Rewind"
ACT 6
• Comedian, Brian Riley
ACT 7
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs perform "Down Boy"
• Show Close

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