"and now, long-haul truck driver . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Following Dave's last monologue joke, two marathon runners jog across the stage and out the back of the theater. A rightfully confused Dave has no idea who they were, advising us that the New York City marathon is not until this coming weekend.

Dave story: It's universally known that the kids love Dave. There is no question about that. With that in mind, Dave tells a story about the time he recently spent in the Sand Hills of Nebraska. He was at a banquet on a huge ranch along with many. He found himself seated at a table of kids, or as I call it on Thanksgiving, the kids' table. Also seated with Dave and the kids was one parent. The Sand Hills is rattlesnake country and the local kids were well aware of the dangerous reptiles. Dave says to one of the kids, "Larry, what's it like when the place is crawling with rattlesnakes?"
Larry has a story of a time he was confronted by a rattler. What did he do? Larry says, "I got my dad's .22 and shot it and then hung it up on my bedroom wall." Wanting to be one of the guys, Dave shares his rattlesnake story. Dave says, "When I was your age I was bitten 12 times on the forehead by a rattlesnake."
The mom also at the table immediately proclaims, "That's a lie!"
Thanks, lady. Don't we all know people like that? Yeesh. Just go away and let the kids play.

In case you don't know, there is a writers strike on the docket and may take place later this week. If the strike does take place, one of two things can happen:
1. Dave can continue with the show and write his own material, or
2. there will be no show.
Dave thinks it might be fun to see what he can come up with on his own. Whatever shakes out, it should be interesting.

The Vice President was in upstate New York today. His office released this announcement.

"Attention residents of Dutchess County, New York. Vice President Dick Cheney will be visiting your area on Monday. Since he will be pheasant hunting, as a precaution, all elderly men are advised . . . "

Scheft:

"Hi, I'm Late Show writer Bill Scheft. As you may know, the Writers Guild is currently in negotiations for a new contract. Our proposals are reasonable, but the producers have so far chosen not to negotiate in good faith, and unfortunately a strike is looking like a real possibility. At this time we have chosen not to reveal the punchline to this hilarious Dick Cheney joke until the big media companies show they're ready to play fair with the writers. Thanks for your understanding."

Last night, the Boston Red Sox defeated the Colorado Rockies to win the World Series. The Red Sox released this announcement earlier in the day.
Announcement:

"The Fall Classic is over and the Boston Red Sox are World Series champions once again. And while the Red Sox are thrilled to have defeated the Colorado Rockies, we would like to remind our fans that there is even a greater reason to celebrate today. . . . No more Dane Cook promos.
A message from the World Champion Boston Red Sox."

ACT 2
TOP TEN: Colorado Rockies Excuses - they lost 4 straight to the Red Sox in the World Series.
4. "Turns out our 'Flaxseed Oil' really was flaxseed oil."
3. "O.J. stole the equipment."

JERRY SEINFELD
is "Bee Movie" comes out on Friday.
The 9th season of "Seinfeld" comes out next Tuesday.
And the entire Seinfeld series, 9 seasons worth in a box DVD set, also comes out next Tuesday.
And Jerry is in this month's Oprah magazine.
So, is Dave in the "Bee Movie"? Dave remembers doing something for the film, but doesn't recall exactly. Jerry thought Dave didn't really want to be in the movie. Dave says he would like to be in the movie. Jerry didn't know that. And so, Dave isn't. Jerry hints they needed Dave to come back in for something but Dave suffered a lip thing and couldn't make it.
So what else is new in Jerry's life? Besides a new cellphone? . . . . .Jerry says it is hard to keep up with today's technology. As soon as you buy a new phone, it becomes outdated by the time you get it home. Does Dave have a cellphone? Dave does, but admits "It's the same one I got in the 50s."

My cellphone is so old it comes with a cord attached.

Jerry is a dad to 3 kids and is settling in to fatherhood. But he admits the role of dad is sometimes unknown. The kids see dad everyday, but they don't know what he is for. They don't know what his function is. Jerry compares being a father to a helium balloon. It's over there hovering in the corner of the room and the kids are not sure whether to play with it, look at it, or pop it.
And Jerry likes to come home with a big announcement when he flings open the door, "I'm home!" Unfortunately, nothing really happens. Dads are just not that important. Dave seems to understand fully what Jerry is talking about.

Jerry's wife has been in the news lately. Her new cookbook, "Deceptively Delicious," is a success but it is now mired in controversy. A woman has come forward claiming Jerry's wife has stolen her cooking ideas. "Deceptively Delicious" has a lot of recipes and ideas on how to hide vegetables in children's foods. The big secret is to puree squash or spinach or carrots or peas and sneak it into food they like. It's a trick that's been used for years and years. Jerry's wife would exchange these ideas with friends and family, and they would give her some of their ideas and recipes. And then it was decided to make a cookbook out of those ideas. And now some "wacko" woman has cried plagiarism! She claims "pureed squash" was her idea.
Jerry understands the nature of the business. There are wackos out there just waiting to pounce on a celebrity for their own financial gain. They are out there and they are patient. When Jerry's wife came out with her cookbook, the "wacko" saw her chance. How this all turns out, we shall see. Meanwhile, I'm going to have a sandwich; my own secret sandwich. I take two slices of bread and spread peanut butter on one slice and jelly on the other slice. I then slap the two slices together. I call it a "jelly and peanut butter sandwich." Now you wait and see in a day or two, someone else will miraculously come up with the same idea.

ACT 4
ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW
(to decipher below, simply look to the left of each letter in the coded word.)
DAVE: "It's time once again for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"
ALAN: (perturbed) "You did it to me again. You did it to me again. I know you think it's hilarious, but I just fail to see the humor."
DAVE: "I don't know what you're talking about, Alan."
ALAN: (mocking) "I don't know what you're talking about, Alan. Save the song and dance, jerkhole. You knew I worked my butt off to book this week's guest for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.' Here, let me introduce him. Mr. Jerry Seinfeld."
(Camera widens to reveal Jerry Seinfeld sitting alongside Alan in a simple talk show setting)
ALAN: "By the way, Dave, congratulations on your new romance."
DAVE: "Not sure what you're getting at, Alan."
ALAN: "Well, I just assumed you were dating Jerry's ass seeing as how you've been kissing it for the past twenty minutes. Ohhh, Jerry, you're so funny! Ohh, Jerry, you're the greatest person ever! Get a room next time!"
DAVE: "Alan, that is not exactly how it went."
ALAN: "That is exactly how it went. Mark this down, 'sdd'hole. You steal my 'djoy' once more, I'll tear that monkey heart out of your chest and cram it down your 'givl'ing throat, you senile bitch.
(Alan turns to Seinfeld)
ALAN: "And you, jokeboy, next time buy me dinner before you screw me, or you'll be telling your little 'Knock Knock' joke door-to-door, you goofy-looking mother-'givl'er." Alan storms off. He is not happy.
Says Dave about Alan: "We got to get him some Paxil."
Great job by Alan. Great reaction/non-reaction by Mr. Seinfeld. Very entertaining.

ACT 5
Announce: "It's time for the 'Tony Mendez Show Spotlight.' This Tuesday, Tony finds himself in a dangerous situation as his search for the company spy continues. Just log on to www.cbs.com/lateshow. This is going to be amazing! We'll be right back."

ACT 6-7
JOE TORRE
-12 years as manager of the New York Yankees
-12-straight years in the playoffs
-4 World Series championships
-2-time American League Manager of the Year
-2nd winningest manager in New York Yankee history

Most of what Dave and Mr. Torre discussed had been covered extensively in the tabloids these past few weeks. Torre's contract expired; he was offered a one-year contract and a reduction in salary. Incentives were included in the contract to reward performance and to provide motivation. That's the part I think turned Joe off. The ownership thinking he needed money as a motivator. Joe's record and character should have been enough proof that it's not about money.
What was it that made him refuse the offer? Joe says it was mostly the one-year deal. A one-year contract would have created too much distraction for him and the players. The team would be asked every day about the manager's contract and whether they think he'll be offered another one at the end of the season. It would complicate things for the players and the clubhouse.
Joe does admit the contract offered a lot of money, stating "$5 million is a lot of glue." Dave liked the phrase and I would not be surprised to hear Dave use it sometime in the near future.
Joe says one question remains for both himself and the Yankees: "Who gets custody of Billy Crystal?"

Dave and Joe talk about the Red Sox and all the two teams have gone through over the years. Joe says the rivalry is the most intense in all sports. Joe grew up with the New York Giants and Brooklyn Dodgers rivalry, but it did not compare with the Red Sox and Yankees. He says that he and Boston manager Terry Francona would phone each other after a mid-season series and both would say they were glad it was until next time. Every little thing gets blown up out of proportion. I think it's one of those things that you are glad when it is over, but will miss when it is gone.

So what is next for Joe Torre? Where would he like to manage next? Joe "dodges" the question and says it would not be fair to mention any place, any team, while the team still has a manager under contract. Dave mentions a few teams and for a second I thought Joe was going to answer, but he wisely refused to go down that road. He says he wouldn't like if another manager starting sniffing and suggesting he wanted Joe's job, and he won't do it either.

Yankee management has asked the fans to be patient with the new manager. Me . . . I think Yankee management isn't asking the fans to be patient with the new manager . . . . I think Yankee management is asking the fans to be patient with Yankee management and their decision to get a new manager. They are already hedging their decision. They're saying if the fans get mad at how the team is going, it's because they are not being patient. It'll be the fans fault.
Dave wishes Joe the best of luck in whatever he decides to do next. Would Dave like to join Joe as a coach? Dave is willing to listen and says, "I just want to be Don Zimmer."

And that was our show for Monday, October 29, 2007.



The New York Giants defeated the Miami Dolphins Sunday in London, England. The Brits main complaint about American football: Not enough scoring.
We gave them bad football. They gave us bad weather.

It's the 7-0 Colts vs. the 7-0 Patriots this Sunday night. Who do I want? I'm going with the Indianapolis Colts because I don't want the New York Jets to fall further behind in the AFC East.

WARNING: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
Last Sunday morning I'm watching the terrible fires in California on the TV. They have a live shot of a helicopter picking up water from the Pacific Ocean and dumping it on the raging inferno less than a mile away. And this is what came to my mind. California is bone dry. Wildfire can start simply from a discarded cigarette. Any ocean water that isn't dropped directly on the fire by the helicopter is quickly absorbed into the ground and brush. And what remains after the water disappears is the salt from the Pacific water, creating an even dryer environment and more susceptible to the tiniest spark. It makes me wonder if it is wise to drop salt water on a tinderbox.

Is that anything? Does that make sense, or am I totally wrong on this? My guess is it's beneficial for the immediate need and that's why it is used. Dropping salt water on an arid area only makes for a drier condition afterwards. Or am I wrong? This concludes the Wahoo Gazette's, "I don't know what I'm talking about!"

WARNING: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I like Torre. He kept a professional clubhouse. The room full of Yankee all-stars got along pretty well over the years. He stayed out of the way and let the all-stars play up to their potential. It's not as easy as it seems. I have to admit I wasn't happy back in 1995 when they signed Torre after firing Buck Showalter but soon learned to appreciate his laissez-faire appearance. Whether he actually was a hands-off manager around the clubhouse, I don't know . . . but whatever he did, it worked. It worked to great success. And now that Mr. Torre is no longer a buffer between Steinbrener and the fans, we in New York are getting a sniff of another blustering Steinbrenner, the son of the domineering Mr., who doesn't know nearly as much about baseball as your typical everyday Yankee fan. This should make for a very interesting 2008 season. Tough guy Hank Steinbrenner thinks football rah-rah works in baseball. It doesn't. Getting loud doesn't translate in the team getting good. By the time the third week in April rolls around, I'm sure we'll hear tough guy Hank bellow, "Hey, don't you hear me yelling? I order you Yankees to win!" And then the fun will begin. The turmoil will ooze out the clubhouse doors and turn into a gush. It's been a long time but the bickering and backstabbing has already begun to fester at Yankee Stadium.
And Joe Torre wasn't insulted that he had incentives in his contract, i.e. - bonus money for each progression through the playoffs. I believe he was insulted because it's been said the incentives were in his contract to provide motivation, not as a bonus. Any true professional would be insulted if management thought he or she needed money to be motivated.
This concludes another installment of the Wahoo Gazette's, "I don't know what I'm talking about!"

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox and their fans on winning the World Series. I feel guilty that I only watched a total of maybe 4 innings of the entire Series. And who besides Alex Rodriguez and agent Scott Boras makes important career announcements at 10:30 PM on a Sunday night?

A-Rod ain't coming back to the Yankees, or at least the Yankees aren't willing to get involved in the free agent bidding. I was being a bit facetious last week but now I'm wondering if I'm on to something . . . with or without Alex Rodriguez in their lineup, the New York Yankees are just about guaranteed a sold-out stadium for the next 5 years. So why pay a guy over $30 million a year? The fans will be coming anyway.
The same goes for the Red Sox and the Cubs. The BoSox fill their stadium and have won two World Championships. They don't need him. The Cubs fill their stadium without Alex Rodriguez, but they haven't won since before TV. They may be tempted. The Dodgers and the Angels? Could be them too.

My guess: A-Rod's gonna go where the team has no chance of making it into the October playoffs. It'll be safer that way. A-Rod? Nay-Rod.

World Series Game 2, Fenway Park: Boston 2 - Rockies 1. Top of the 9th inning, Papelbon is mowing down Colorado. The Boston fans are going crazy. And Red Sox owner John Henry, all man, has his fingers in his ears because it's too loud. How pathetic.

New Halloween Costumes is scheduled for Wednesday night. We usually do nine or ten costumes, many based on today's news. So, Late Show viewers, what costumes do you think will make an appearance on Wednesday's show? Give me no more than 3 and I'll try to have your guesses in Tuesday's Wahoo, which will be on your doorstep by Wednesday noon. You can then play along at home while watching the show.
Last year's costumes:
-the old guy shot by Dick Cheney
-items confiscated by airport security
-"Deal or No Deal" host Howie Mandel
-The thing the doctor uses to check your ears
-Exploding Dell laptop
-Enriched uranium
-The wall at T.G.I.Fridays.
-Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers with brown smudge on hand
-The fat guy from "Lost"
-The foil cover from a yogurt container

I pitched this one: a kid comes out dressed as a waiter --- he is a television writer on strike.

Know what I'm getting tired of? That robot football player we are shown over and over on the FOX NFL games coming out of commercial. I'm finding the robot annoying. Enough already, please!

I laughed last week when I was flipping through the channels. Last Monday I stopped on the New York Yankees YES channel. To fill up available hours on the station, the YES network shows classic Yankee games from the recent past. So far, they haven't lost a classic game in 5 years. The games are usually from the Yankees' World Series streak of the late 90's. But since Joe Torre decided to resign rather than re-sign, most of the games on YES are from the days before Torre became manager in 1996.

A history lesson, from a website called the p38 lesson plan:

The Great Depression
Black Friday October, 1929
The Great Depression was a large economic slowdown accompanied by large scale unemployment and business failures. The stock market crash that began on a black Friday in October 1929 and deepened in the ensuing months had immediate repercussions in Europe. Indeed, even before this, the superheated boom in stock prices that marked the bull market of 1928 siphoned money from Europe. The pricking of the bubble sent shock waves throughout the world.
Large exports of American capital had helped sustain Europe, besides providing an outlet for American surpluses of capital, during the 1920s. Investment in European bonds now contracted sharply and swiftly, as banks that were "caught short" with too many of their assets invested in securities desperately tried to raise money. By June 1930, the price of securities on Wall Street was about 20 percent, on average, of what it had been prior to the crash; between 1929 and 1932 the Dow Jones average of industrial stock prices fell from a high of 381 to a low of 41.
The American market for European imports also dropped sharply as the entire American economy went into shock; to compound trouble, Congress insisted on passing a high tariff law in 1930, against the advice of almost all economists. Effective operation of the international economy required that the United States import goods to allow foreign governments to pay for American loans. Moreover, the raising of tariffs set off a chain reaction as every government tried to protect itself against an adverse trade balance leading to currency deterioration. The result was a drying up of world trade that further fueled the economic downturn. The Americans additionally continued to insist upon repayment of war debts, until finally in 1931 a general moratorium was declared. Well might Europeans complain of American blindness, but these events only exposed Europe's vulnerability.
The stock market crash did not greatly affect the common man until our nation's banks started to fail. Eleven thousand of 25,000 banks had failed by 1933. This caused major unemployment of 12 to 15 million workers (25-30 percent of the work force by 1932), and produced many business failures.
The government stepped in after the election of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. He called for government aid, work projects, and governmental subsidies to help the people. The work projects helped to employ people for a short time. The WPA (Works Projects Administration) was one of these governmental programs that helped many workers find jobs.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Boston Red Sox fan, Josh Weintraub.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER