“This was the sporting equivalent of adultery with the attendant betrayal: of the owner who hired you, of players who played for you. How do you look your team in the eye day after day knowing that you’re plotting an exit and have another love interest in sight?”

“And what Petrino did was an insult to the entire coaching fraternity. Do you know how many talented, deserving coaches there are toiling at all levels of the game -- especially on staffs around the NFL -- who never get the opportunity that Petrino was afforded? To chart a course for an organization, to devise a game plan, to rally the team at halftime at the highest level of the game -- thousands of men dream about that their whole lives. Petrino spit on it.”

“He isn't the first and he won't be the last, but the way Petrino lied to his owner and bolted as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons to take over as Arkansas' new coach reeked of cowardice and was purely unprofessional.”

"I mean this: He managed, somehow, to come off as less honest than Michael Vick and more conniving than Nick Saban. I don't know which is more impressive.

"It's a tough fact of life: There are people in this big, mean world who simply can't be trusted. Bobby Petrino is apparently one of those people.

It's such a big night, we needed to make sure nothing could go wrong. It was decided that if Dave couldn't handle what was before him, we should have another talk show host ready to fill in at a moment's notice. Backstage, we see Tony Danza getting ready if needed. Tony, what a guy.

CBS really pulled out all the stops to make this a memorable night of programming. Did you see the promo they were running?
Announcer:

"Tonight on Dave! It's the television event of the decade as Dave welcomes Oprah Winfrey! Don't miss this memorable Late Show, right after the CBS News Special Report: ‘Hell: Frozen Over!' Only on CBS."

And now it's time for a Dave vs. Oprah comparison.
Oprah: Studio audience leaves with cars
Dave: Studio audience leaves with hypothermia

Oprah: Often makes People's "Most Beautiful People" list
Dave: Often makes Modern Maturity's "Celebrities We Thought Were Dead" list

Oprah: Inspires millions of viewers to see the potential that's inside them.
Dave: Inspires millions of viewers to see what's on Leno.

Oprah: Reminds women of their best friend
Dave: Reminds women of the creepy guy who hangs out in front of the liquor store

Oprah: Best friend: Gayle King
Dave: Best friend: Jim Beam

Oprah: Known around Chicago as the "Queen of Daytime Television"
Dave: Known around the office as the "miserable asshole."

Our cue card master, Tony Mendez is so excited about tonight that he's wearing a tie! Dave gives him a quick look-over, and tells him, "It looks good with your high school club jacket.

TOP TEN: Messages Left On Oprah's Answering Machine
#10. "This is Martha Stewart. If you need it, I planted a box cutter in the guest chair."
#7. "Dr. Phil here. Cleared my schedule so we can have a full session tomorrow."
#6. "This is Dubya. If you need a Presidential pardon to get out of this, gimme a holler."

OPRAH WINFREY: "After 16 years, we're thrilled to welcome back our first guest. She's a television icon, an Academy Award nominee, a humanitarian, and now a Broadway producer of ‘The Color Purple.' Ladies and gentlemen . . . ." Suddenly, a loud tympani drum roll stops Dave cold. He yells Paul's way, "What the hell is that? It scared me half to death!" Paul explains he wanted to do something special for tonight's show, so he hired a timpanist. Dave says he wishes he was told these things before the show.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Oprah Winfrey."
Big noise from the audience. A standing ovation. A long, well-deserved ovation for Ms. Winfrey. Dave greets her at mid-stage and presents her to the audience. Dave and Oprah, together.
After much applause, they sit down. Dave gushes how much it means to him for her to come on the show. Oprah stops Dave right there, asking with doubt, "Does it really? Or is it a ‘Dave' thing?" Dave does his best to convince Oprah that he is sincere. He is truly glad to have her here tonight.

They talk about the perceived feud between the two of them. What started out as a small joke expanded over time. Dave knew eventually everything would turn out OK one day when he received a lovely basket of children's books upon the birth of Harry. Oprah says she was able to feel and see a sweetness in Dave she never quite saw before when Harry came into his life. Does Dave have a favorite children's book he reads to Harry? Dave quickly comes back with, "Well, you can't go wrong with ‘Runaway Rabbit.'" And as a peace offering, Oprah has a gift for Dave. Accompanied by a tympanic drum roll, Dave opens the gift. It is a photograph of Oprah and Uma, signed by both. "To Dave, Love, Uma and Oprah."
Was the "Oprah/Uma" thing a problem for Oprah? She says not at all. "It was no problem for me," she says. Dave laughs an exhausted laugh, saying "Well, it was a problem for me." Oprah adds that she thought it was funny. Again, an exhausted Dave sighs, "You were the one."

Dave asks Oprah about the Ed Sullivan Theater. Does it hold any memories for her from watching Ed Sullivan all those years ago? She says she remembers seeing The Supremes on the show and how exciting it was for her to see "colored" people (she says "that's what we were called back then") on TV. She says you wouldn't see too many on television back in the early 60's. She says it was always a thrill to see "Negroes" on television, and the Ed Sullivan Show provided that. She asks Dave if he watched when the Beatles first appeared on Ed Sullivan. Dave does remember. I talked about the Beatles first appearance at the Ed Sullivan Theater back in 1964. I wondered why I didn't watch it. After a little research, I found that on the Wonderful World of Walt Disney the same night was "The Scarecrow," a favorite in the McIntee house. Sadly, I'm sure we were watching "The Scarecrow" when the rest of the world was watching the Beatles. But enough about me.

Dave asks about a staged robbery Oprah once reported as a youth of 13 years. Oprah was desperate for new eyeglasses. The only pair she had were a pair of those pointed, cat-like frames that were not the least bit flattering for a young teen. She begged her mom for a new pair. Her mom wouldn't, or couldn't, buy her a new pair. And her mom warned her, "Don't ‘accidentally' fall and break them." So Oprah decided to fake a robbery where she got clunked on the head and break her glasses. She was taken to the hospital. Her mother was called in. Mom quickly arrived and was filled with grief, "Oh, my poor baby, my poor baby." The doctor told Oprah's mom, "I don't know what happened, but she got hit on the head . . . and broke her glasses." Mom stopped suddenly and said to the doctor, "Leave." Oprah pleaded that she had amnesia. Mom countered with, "So you don't know who I am?" Oprah was silent. Mom continued, "I'll give you 3 seconds to remember who I am." Oprah mumbled, "It's slowly coming back to me." Oprah got what was coming to her, though I'm not sure it included new eyeglasses.
We take a breather and go to commercial.

Back, Dave asks about Tom Cruise. "What was the deal with Tom Cruise jumping on your furniture? Is he nuts?" Oprah defends Tom, simply saying love will do that to a person.
Feeling a connection with Oprah, Dave asks, "Is there people you're sick of who still come on your show?" Oprah laughs, and says she's past the point where she has to put up with that. Dave understands, wishing at that moment that he was she.
Dave points out the difference between her show and his. Oprah makes a connection with her audience, it's obvious simply by watching one program. Dave says his show is simply a TV show. The Oprah show is so much more. And Oprah understands that her show has become more than just another show. She understands she can make a difference and her show is a great vehicle for that. Oprah takes a step back and states that she is a bit surprised that the conversation has taken such a serious tone. "Wow" she says, "we're having a real conversation!" Dave scoffs, "What did you expect? It's not like that goofball Dr. Phil." (or something like that.)

Dave asks Oprah about a certain Christmas she had when she was 12 years old that changed her life. It was the night before Christmas and her mom said that Santa would not be coming this year. When asked why, her mom said, "Because I got no money." Oprah was confused. "You have to pay Santa to come?" she asked. That night, 3 nuns came to the door with gifts and food. She remembers being so relieved that she wouldn't have to make up a story for the neighborhood kids the next morning when they shared tales of what they got. She remembers how thankful she was for complete strangers to come forward and make her so happy. She was thinking of that Christmas day when she decided she should do something like that for others. So she went to Africa and distributed clothes and presents and shoes to the children.
Dave continues with Africa, wondering what it means when he reads the American is sending aid to Africa to help 400,000 with HIV. He says that may seem like a big number, but when you take in the continent as a whole, it's miniscule. He wonders when he hears about the crime, disease, famine, genocide that afflicts the continent if we are in danger of losing Africa. Oprah believes there are enough people on the planet to save Africa if only we would did something. If we all chipped in a little bit, we could beat the problem. Don't look at the millions; look at one. If each of us with "something" gave to someone with nothing, we would better the world. Dave asks what Oprah is doing, specifically about her work in South Africa.
Again, Oprah is shocked that Dave wants to go this way; being so serious. Hey, Dave loves to explore those with passion no matter the topic. I think he finds people with a deep interest to be interesting. Oprah mention s her Leadership Academy for Girls, in South Africa.

From her Leadership Academy website:

"Education is the way to move mountains, to build bridges, to change the world. Education is the path to the future. I believe that education is indeed freedom. With God's help, these girls will be the future leaders on the path to peace in South Africa and the world." - Oprah

"The school will teach girls to be the best human beings they can ever be; it will train them to become decision-makers and leaders; it will be a model school for the rest of the world." - Oprah

Oprah. Great appearance. Great work by Dave. She's a lovely woman, Oprah is. It was great to see them together.

ACT 5: "The Color Purple" - the Broadway musical that Oprah's producing opens tonight. Dave escorts Oprah out the back of the Ed Sullivan Theater and down Broadway to the Broadway Theater. Wow! How cool was that!

BONNIE RAITT: From her CD, "Souls Alike," Bonnie performed "I Will Not Be Broken." Bonnie always does it for me. I have quite a few of her CD's, this being one of them. And there is something incredibly sexy about her sly smile and wild look in her eye.

And that was our show for Thursday, December 1, 2005.



How to prepare for a show like tonight? It's like the Super Bowl. You don't want to be intimidated by the magnitude of the event. You need to keep it simple. To win the Super Bowl, all you have to do is catch the ground balls and make your foul shots. Take care of the basics and the big picture will become manageable. It was all a good show.

And that's all I got for tonight. Good night, everybody!