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Thursday, February 21, 2008
Show #2878
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Steve Martin; Chris Elliott; and Raymond Crowe.
PLUS: Know Your Current Events; a Phone Call from Raul Castro; and Hand Shadows from Dave.

“ . . . and now, a man who can help you sue for the money you deserve . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
It’s America’s fastest growing quiz sensation . . . . . no, not Jeff Foxworthy’s “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” . . . . it’s Know Your Current Events.
Tonight’s Categories:
Know Your Current Eventsm
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Tainted Meat
Know Your Lesser-Known Academy Awards Nominees
Know Your Fidel Castro
Know Your Athletes Accused of Taking Steroids.

First up:
Ashley, of Chicago. She’s in printing sales; ink and stuff. Ashley has lived in Chicago her whole life and this is her first time to New York. Dave exclaims, “First time! So why are you HERE?”
(ME: I really need to go to Chicago. Never been there. I think I’d like it. And then after that, go to Boston. Haven’t been there since the 70s. I really need to get out of the house.) Ashley is here with her boyfriend of two years, Bob. After a greeting, Dave hands Ashley the category blue card and has her look it over while he walks the aisle. After handing her the card, he mumbles to the audience about Bob, “Did you see that guy she’s with?”
Ashley picks Know Your Athletes Accused of Taking Steroids.
1. What did Congress learn from Roger Clemens’ testimony? Ashley answers, “That he is a liar.” BUZZ. Nope. The answer we were looking for was, “Absolutely nothing.”
2. What supplement is thought to have helped Barry Bonds’ career? Ashley answers: “Steroids.” BUZZ. Nope. The answer we were looking for was: “Sunny D-Lite.”

Next up:
Mark, from Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, North Carolina . . . c’mon, what does Dave say next? Students of Mr. Letterman should know what follows when someone says they are from North Carolina. Dave asks, “Charlotte, is that in the research triangle?”
Did you get it? Mark says Charlotte is west of the research triangle. Mark is in New York to attend a friend’s wedding.
(ME: I hope he’s the only one coming in from out of town because as of Friday morning, there is a 7-hour delay at the airports due to the snowstormy weather.)
Mark picks: “Know Your Tainted Meat.”
Dave says, “Tainted meat . . . not bad . . . and easy on the pocketbook.”
1. If you have some of the recalled meat, what should you do with it? Mark answers,
“Throw it in the disposal.” BUZZ. Nope. The answer we were looking for: “Bring it back to the store and trade it for mercury-tainted tuna.”
2. Who figured out that the tainted meat was a public health threat? Mark answers: “Michele Obama.” Dave is puzzled, but decides that’s as good an answer as what we had and congratulates Mark. Our prepared answer: “The irascible but brilliant Dr. Gregory House - - - - Watch ‘House,’ Thursdays at 9 on FOX.”

Next up:
Kirsten, of Charlotte, North Carolina. Hey, just like Mark. Is she here for a wedding? No. Kirsten is a restaurant manager, as is her boyfriend. What kind of restaurant? A Mexican restaurant. Oooh, Dave loves the tacos. Dave can’t understand how anybody can not love tacos.
Category: Kirsten points to one category, but Dave doesn’t like that one and coaxes her to choose another. She throws it back to Dave for him to pick for her. Dave chooses:
Know Your Current Events.
1. According to the latest estimate, John McCain can claim four times as many what as his rival Mick Huckabee.? Kirsten answers: “States.” BUZZ. Nope. The answer we were looking for was: “Birthdays.”
2. On Sunday, Barack Obama met with John Edwards to ask for his what? Ashley answers: “Blessing.” BUZZ. Nope. We were looking for, “His secret for kissably soft skin.

And that was Know Your Current Events for tonight.

ACT 2:
Later on the show we will have a hand shadow performer. Dave shows what we can expect. A screen lowers behind Dave and our electrician enters and turns on a spot light in front of Dave. Dave then makes a hand shadow on the blank wall behind him. First he makes German Shepherd, and then a duck. That is all fine and dandy, but we can expect bigger and better later.

Fidel Castro’s brother Raul is taking over the Presidency of Cuba. A friend of Dave’s with the State Department has been able to put us in contact with the new President, Fidel’s brother Raul. Raul is on the phone right now. Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: “Hello, Raul, it’s Dave Letterman. Nice to have you with us.”
RAUL: “Hi, everybody. It’s me, Raul, the brother of America’s favorite Commie. Remember, this Sunday in Hollywood, Oscar is King!”
Dave attempts to ask Raul a question but Raul is not there. We hear the buzz of a hung-up phone. Dave laments, “I think it’s one of those recordings.”
Paul shares, “It’s disappointing, especially for a show this big.”

Dave calls for the hand shadow stuff again. He attempts another hand shadow and creates a perfect Eiffel Tower. The man is amazing, but the guy who will be coming on later is even more amazing.

CHRIS ELLIOTT AND GERARD MULLIGAN: of the new CBS program, “Chris and Gerry’s Kitchen Nightmares.”
DAVE: How have you been?
CHRIS: Really busy, Dave. As you know, in the last couple of months, Gerry and I have premiered at least five shows starring ourselves, right here on this network, all of which were canceled pretty much after the first episode.
DAVE: That’s right. Let’s see, you were “The Bionic Guy.” (see photo of Chris as Bionic Guy)
CHRIS: That’s just ‘Bionic Guy.’ That was actually canceled after the first promo aired. And then we did “Skink the Bounty Hunter.” (see photo of Chris and Gerry in “Skink”)
DAVE: That was very popular. What ever happened to that?
CHRIS: We accidentally killed a guy. You know, a choke hold is a delicate procedure and neither of us ever claimed to be experts.
GERRY: And it was the wrong guy, too.
CHRIS: We agreed we wouldn’t beat ourselves up over that. My shrink said to move on. So then we tried “American El Conquistadors.” (see a photo)
CHRIS: But now we’ve found something that we know will last at least three episodes. It’s called “Chris and Gerry’s Kitchen Nightmares.”
DAVE: Now what’s the premise of this one?
GERRY: We go to failing restaurants around town, and using our expert culinary expertise we give them an expert culinary makeover.
DAVE: So, it’s pretty much like that British guy Gordon Ramsey’s show, “Kitchen Nightmares.” Right?
CHRIS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DAVE: Do you have a clip from the new show?
CHRIS: Actually, we have the whole first episode.
(we watch the video. As we go to the clip, we hear Chris say, “I don’t even know where to look.” During the clip, we see me as the driver of the cop car. Thank you.)
Back from the VT.
DAVE: Looks like you have a winner on your hands. Where are you off to next?
CHRIS: Gerry and I are going over to the Rachael Ray Show and egg her standby audience.
DAVE: Sounds like fun. Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan, ladies and gentlemen.
And they exit.

ACT 3:
STEVE MARTIN: with his new memoir, “Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life.”
We had Martin Short. on the show a few days ago and he and Steve are good friends. How did they meet? Steve says he first met Martin Short while doing Three Amigos. The first day on the set he heard behind him Katherine Hepburn asking, “Where is my bicycle?” And during down time, Steve, Chevy, and Marty would play Scrabble. It got to be very competitive. During one game he sees Marty writing something on a small piece of paper. He slides it over to Steve. On the paper Marty had written, “I will let you ball my wife Nancy for an E or a Q.”
Big laughs again from the audience. Steve says, “I love getting laughs from Marty’s material.”
Steve was supposed to be on our show a few months ago but couldn’t make it due to jury duty. Steve wasn’t selected but he pictured a scenario of his standing as the jury foreman to declare: “We the jury finds the defendant . . . not guilty. Only kidding, guilty!” Being a comedian, Steve is sure the defendant would understand and get a big kick out of it.
During the writers strike, Steve was busy writing screenplays and TV pilots. Dave questions that he wasn’t supposed to do that during the strike. That’s what a strike is all about. Steve knew this, but there was so little competition at the time. He also wrote monologue jokes for Jay Leno. Steve admits he would watch the 4:30 taping of Dave’s show, and then fax over the Late Show jokes to Jay, then adds, “He wouldn’t use ‘em.” Big laugh from me.
In December, Steve received the prestigious Kennedy Center honor for his contributions and career in show business. Steve says it was a great honor but the only thing that ruined it for him was that there were 4 other people also being honored. That part was boring.
Dave asks if he saw the Jane Fonda slip on the “Today” show the other morning when Jane said the letter-between-B-and-D word LIVE on the air. Steve did see it and says he too has made such slips. It’s bound to happen when you do so much LIVE TV. And Steve has clips of his slips.

- On Regis: “Only if I can rub your testicles.”
- "The View": “Could all of you just do me right now?”
- "Good Morning America": didn’t know he was on camera and was caught trying to adjust the creeping of his undershorts from creeping where it shouldn’t creep.
- "60 Minutes": We see the open. Morley Safer: “I’m Morely Safer.” Mike Wallace: “I’m Mike Wallace.” Steve: “Vagina!”

Steve’s book, “Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life” He says he wanted to write, which is something he really enjoys, but was lacking the inspiration. He then realized he lived a unique experience in the 70’s. Steve sees himself as just an ordinary guy who had an amazing thing happen to him. And that is the story he tells.
Dave tries to tell a story about his going to California to break into comedy but gets confused and jumbled. He then cries out, “Vagina!”
Dave praises Steve, “You were the one who turned comedy into Rock and Roll.”

The book is also on audio. We give a listen to his reading from the book.. Unfortunately, we hear the portion of the book Steve was reading after sipping too much of the Sherry.

And look for Steve’s bestselling children’s book, The Alphabet from A to Y With Bonus Letter Z! by Steve Martin and Roz Chast.

ACT 5
Announce: “Friday on the Late Show, join Dave as he welcomes Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, and comedian Al Lubel. Set your VCRs now because this is the show everybody will be talking about on Monday!
We’ll be right back.”

ACT 7:
RAYMOND CROWE: He stands between a light source and a white round background. To the tune of Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World,” Raymond Crowe creates hand shadows of:
- Louis Armstrong
- Donkey
- Swan
- Rabbit
- Jimmy Durante?
- Louis Armstrong
Something nice, interesting, and different from what we usually have to close the show.

And that was our show for Thursday February 21, 2008.




How old am I? When I was born, there were only 48 states.

It’s (was) my birthday today, kids. February 21st. And it’s not just any birthday, it’s my 50th birthday. Yup, 50 years old today, born February 21, 1958. I was born during the Eisenhower Administration, back when the world was in black and white. So what do you get someone who is 50 years old? Well, if he’s a New York Giants football fan, and the New York Giants just won the Super Bowl, he gets a lot of New York Giants Super Bowl stuff.

My wife threw a surprise birthday party for me last Saturday night. It was at the Mt. Ivy/Hillcrest Volunteer Firehouse. She got me there by telling me she got a flat tire and pulled in to the firehouse parking lot. I guess I was slow in getting there because she called again and said she actually got in an accident and wanted me to hurry, but everything was fine, no one was hurt. So I got there as soon as I could and when I opened the door to the back of the firehouse, “SURPRISE!” The room was dark and all I saw was flashbulbs. My immediate thought was, “Surprise Party,” quickly followed by “Thank goodness the car is OK.” Lots of friends and family were there and it was a lot of fun. The next day many came over to the house to finish the leftovers and to open the gifts. It was a very nice evening. Does this mean I have to throw one for Denise in August?
The only bad part with a surprise party is this: Whenever I go to a party, I’ll ask Denise on the drive over, “OK, who should I know.” She’ll name names. And then I’ll say, “And who is he married to?” I imagine every other guy on the way to the party is asking the same thing. At a surprise party, you don’t get the chance to review on the way over.

One present I received was a ukulele. I’ve had two Ukes in the past, though I never learned to play. I think this time I’m going to make a real effort to get it right. It’s a fun, curious instrument.

I got a lot of lottery tickets too. All week I’ve been calling those who gave me the tickets, screaming, “I’ve won $5,000 a week for life! Thanks! You’re the best!” Then I hang up. I imagine their reaction on the other end. I then call back 10 minutes later to tell them the truth, that I only won $3.

But one of my favorite gifts came from my brother Tim from Binghamton, New York. He got me 6 boxes of Ticonderoga #2 pencils. I can’t wait to sharpen them, use them, and not have the pencil point break. It’s been years since I’ve had a good pencil that didn’t break from the slightest bit of pressure. Pencils today are the worst. Hopefully, the top of the line, the Ticonderoga, will live up to my expectations.

During the party there was a looped slide show on a monitor for all to see. Lots of the photos were from past parties, softball games, and Yankee trips. My friend Johnny said after a string of 5 or so pictures, “Look at how happy we were!” He was right. The photos brought back memories of laughs and fun and play. And we weren’t kids in those pictures. We were in our mid-20s. We were still playing softball 3 times a week, followed by drinks and laughs and the local watering hole. Our youth lasted a lot longer than it probably should have.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday today, from Goshen, New York by way of New City, it’s Mary Ellen Mulligan.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Know Your Current Events
ACT 2
• Raul Castro on the Phone
• Dave's Hand Shadows
• Chris and Gerry's "Kitchen Nightmares"
 Watch now
ACT 3
• Steve Martin
 Watch now
ACT 4
• More with Steve Martin
ACT 5
• Audience Shot
ACT 6
• More with Steve Martin
ACT 7
• Dave's Baseball Hand Shadow
• Raymond Crowe Hand Shadows Performance
• Show Close

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