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Monday, March 24, 2008
Show #2893
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Demi Moore; Anthony Bourdain; and Counting Crows.
PLUS: A Cold Open; a Message from Osama; Bill Richardson’s Endorsement; the CBS Monday Night Promo; a Top Ten List; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; and Alan Kalter Offers a Brief History of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

COLD OPEN: Dave and Jude in the dressing room. Dave is excited for the March Madness. Does Jude have the March Madness? No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t need any more madness. She has to deal with a crazy man every night.

“ . . . . and now, ousted ‘American Idol’ rocker . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
During the pre-show Q&A, a woman commiserated with Dave’s tick problem from last week. She, too, had a tick in her back recently. Dave had someone yank his tick out. The woman went to a doctor. Dave’s eyes widened because he was very interested in what a professional had to say about a tick in the back. So what did the doctor say? His diagnosis: “Probably just menopause.”

Osama bin Laden came out with another of his announcements the other day. Dave was able to capture it on his audio cassette player.
Osama: “We will bring vengeance on the infidel Europeans who continue to publish blasphemous cartoons offending out faith! Also, Al Qaeda demands an end to the comic strip ‘Garfield.’ Garfield is lazy and likes lasagna . . . . okay, we get it. Enough! Death to America, and go Villanova!”

Interesting political developments in the past few days. Did you hear about New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson’s endorsement?
Announce: “Former Presidential candidate Bill Richardson is endorsing Senator Barack Obama for President. While Hillary Clinton is a fine candidate, Bill Richardson admires Senator Obama’s vision, his communication skills, his inspiring energy. Also, Obama offered cookies, cake, pie, and caramel corn.
Bill Richardson. The Fat One Who Dropped Out.”

Earlier tonight on the CBS program, How I Met Your Mother, Britney Spears made an appearance and she looked healthy and sharp. But that’s not all that CBS had on their docket. Did you see their promo?
Announce: “Tonight on CBS, things kick off when Britney Spears visits the gang on ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ Then on ‘Two and a Half Men,’ Charlie Sheen goes whoring with Eliot Spitzer. CBS --- Be There!”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: “It’s mutually beneficial to Canada, the U.S., and America . . . . . I mean, Mexico.”

ACT 2:
Our announcer, Alan Kalter, asked if he could say a few words if we had some free time. Well, we had some time, so Dave gave the floor to Mr. Kalter.

Alan stands and begins walking up the side aisle of the theater as he gives a brief history of the famed Ed Sullivan Theater.
“Thanks, Dave. For years, people have been watching this show, which is taped live at the Ed Sullivan Theater. But I sometimes wonder if everyone understands just how historic this venue is. Sure, everyone knows about the Beatles performance on this stage, but what else do they know? The facility was designed by architect Herbert J. Krapp, his actual name, and built by Arthur Hammerstein between 1925 and 1927. It was named Hammerstein’s Theater after his father, Oscar Hammerstein. In the 1930s, it became a popular nightclub and after CBS obtained a long-term lease on the property, the network began broadcasting from here in 1936. It was converted for television in 1950, when it became CBS-TV Studio 50, which was a good name for it. . . . .” Alan opens a door and enters. The camera remains outside. Is that a bathroom he entered? Dave is confused. About 30 seconds later, we hear the sound of a toilet flushing as Alan returns. Dave asks, “Alan, what was that all about?”
Alan answers honestly, “Sorry, Dave . . . . had to take a leak.”

TOP TEN: Signs The Government is Spying On You – Last week, members of the State Department were caught spying on Barack Obama by breaking into his passport files. It was later announced that Hillary Clinton and John McCain’s files were also breeched.
#8. There’s been an ice cream truck parked outside your house for 9 months.
#4. After eating a falafel, your name was added to the “Do Not Fly” list.

Dave’s team in the NCAA tournament, his adopted team since Ball State wasn’t invited, was the Butler Bulldogs of Indiana. They lost to Tennessee on Sunday in overtime but Dave says something is in the works. The NCAA board has taken another look at the game and noticed that the clock continued running during a timeout in overtime. Therefore, the overtime may be replayed.
Perhaps if Dave says this enough, people will believe it.

ACT 3:
DEMI MOORE: Nice to see Ms. Moore again. It’s been almost 5 years. Dave holds up a photo from Bazaar magazine of Demi and her lovely three daughters, Scout, Tallulah, and Rumer. With so much temptation in Hollywood, how does Demi keep the girls on the straight and narrow? Demi jokes, “I beat ‘em with a belt.” She says she keeps in constant contact with her girls and admits to being a bit overprotective. Lucky for her, they seem to keep in touch with her when they are out and check in throughout the night.
Yipes. The last thing I would ever want when I was 18, 19, and 20 years old was a cellphone. It would have been a lot of this: “Sorry, mom, but I forgot to charge it.”
Demi was in Austria recently on a “health cleansing trip.” She had leech therapy. With leeches covering her body, the suckers helped detoxify her body. She had one leech on her bellybutton and if anyone knows Demi, they know she doesn’t like anyone going anywhere near her bellybutton. Demi mentally went back to natural childbirth which helped her way through it.
So how do leeches help? The therapy first consists of a turpentine bath. Leeches don’t like any perfume and the bath wipes the skin clean. And leeches don’t like hair so the body needs to be shaved. Damn, these leeches are high maintenance. You then lie down on a table and the leeches are applied. The leeches suck your blood and release an enzyme which works as a blood thinner. Sounds interesting. And we have a clip of the procedure. Actually, it was a Shecky clip; an old black and white movie of a woman being attacked by a giant squiggly, lizard-type worm.
Back from commercial, we take a look at a clip from an appearance of Demi on the show when she was pregnant. We see the very athletic and pregnant Demi Moore run and do a stream of flips and jumps. Unbelievable. Of course, it was a Demi-double who did that, someone who was not pregnant at all. Dave laughs and says how we received lots and lots of mail complaining that Demi should not have done that when with child. Demi says she too received lots of mail.
Demi Moore’s new film, Flawless, opens this Friday in select cities.

ACT 5:
Announce: “Tuesday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by actress Kate Bosworth, comedian John Witherspoon, and music from The Raveonettes. Watching a great show has never been this easy!
We’ll be right back.”

ACT 6:
Dave says the only therapy he practices is getting stripped naked, sitting on a block of cheese, and the swallowing a live mouse. The image made me laugh.

ANTHONY BOURDAIN: The fames chef is the host of the Travel Channel’s “Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations.” He travels the world over sampling the local fare. And the local fare over there is often nothing like the local fare over here. He’s eaten everything from eel in Spain, which he calls the best meal he’s ever had, to warthog in Namibia, which had sand and fur in every bite. Dave says he thinks when we get right down to it, humans can eat just about anything. Dave’s right, especially if it’s fried. Anthony is now a dad for the first time. His daughter is 11-months old and, happily for Anthony, they each share an intense dislike for McNuggets. He hopes to teach her the joy of eating almost anything and everything. He’s hoping for a happy but slightly weird child.
Anthony recently ate cobra heart. My attention was elsewhere at the moment of this story . . . Yankee-talk in the shack, . . . but I think Bourdain described cobra heart as tasting like an athletic oyster. Anthony recently had the opportunity to get back to his old job working the kitchen at a small restaurant in Cape Cod. He put in for his double-shift, 8 AM to midnight, and soon discovered that although the kitchen is still small, the dining area had doubled in size. Bourdain decided that if he was going to suffer through the 16-hour shift in a sweatshop-like environment, he wasn’t going to go it alone. He somehow got world famous chef Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin here in New York to work the grill. 300 meals later, Bourdain and the best chef in America completed their shift. Anthony didn’t say so, but I imagine he and Ripert complained afterwards how the waitresses got all the tips.

No Reservations – on the Travel Channel, Mondays at 10:00 PM.

ACT 7:
Dave explains the nude/cheese/mouse therapy he described earlier. He says it was comedian/writer Pat McCormicks hangover remedy. I like when Dave credits his source.

COUNTING CROWS: From their brand-new CD, “Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings,” Counting Crows performed “You Can’t Count On Me.”

And that was our show for Monday March 24, 2008.




Governor Eliot Spitzer’s behavior has been so outrageous, even Ryan Karben is aghast. (that joke was just for me)

Osama is still on the loose. Who do we have in charge to look for this killer, OJ?

Congratulations to Boston Red Sox fans. Your team is World Champions. And how are you rewarded? With the 2008 Opening Game on the other side of the world beginning at 6:00 Tuesday morning. And this wouldn’t be possible unless the players allowed it. So while the Red Sox players were willing to boycott the trip to Japan unless the coaching staff was paid $40,000, the fans at home who support the team are left way behind. Of course, it’s just not the Red Sox players who allow this to happen; it’s the Yankees and the Mets and all of Major League baseball. “Let’s give Opening Day to Japan!” Great idea, baseball.
Baseball slogan: “I love this game.”
My slogan: “I used to love this game.”

I hurt my arm this weekend patting myself on the back. From last Monday’s Wahoo Gazette:
“As I was returning from rehearsal today, I was handed my NCAA Tournament Pool sheet. I gave it a quick glance and searched for a first round upset. My eye immediately dropped on #13 Siena vs. #4 Vanderbilt in the MidWest. Siena is a local and without looking any further decided to go with Siena for the big, first round upset of the week. By the time I sat at my desk, doubt was already filtering in. Did I really want to go with Siena? With rehearsal over, I decided to turn on the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on NBC. Marching up 5th Avenue at that very moment . . . . the Siena College marching band. Say no more. Siena is a lock vs. Vanderbilt; Friday evening at 7:20.”
Friday’s score:
Vanderbilt: 62
Siena: 83
So, how much did you win on my tout?

Look out, Ken Jennings! LATE SHOW viewer and former Wahoo reader Dave Sikula will be a contestant on “Jeopardy” Wednesday night. I hear that if you only stay tuned in long enough to witness his “hometown howdy” it’ll be well worth it. How does Mr. Sikula do on the great game show? I do not know. We’ll have to watch. And if you’re in the San Francisco area, head on over to the Hillbarn Theater in Foster City to see Dave Sikula’s production of “The Notebook of Trigorin.” Off the top of my head, I believe “The Notebook of Trigorin” is Tennessee Williams’s ‘free adaptation’ of Anton Chekhov’s “The Sea Gull.” For more details, check out www.hillbarntheatre.org/redesign/

McGreevey; Spitzer; Paterson – I think these governors need a governor.

I found an old USA newspaper graphic in my files the other day. It was from the Spring of 2003. It’s titled “Three Scenarios for War in Iraq.”
The Best Case scenario is described as a quick, decisive victory in four to six weeks, Iraq oil output drop made up by others, no acts of terrorism.
The Intermediate Case is described a six to 12 weeks of fighting.
The Worst Case scenario: three months or more of fighting.
The price of oil 5 years ago: “Above $33 a barrel, highest in more than 2 years.”
If you’re scoring at home, I think you can mark the War in Iraq under “Worst Case Scenario.”

How long before the Eliot Spitzer fiasco is referred to as “The Black Socks Scandal”?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the Daily Bulletin, it’s Christine Burt.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Cold Open with Dave and Jude
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Bill Richardson Endorses Obama
• New Osama bin Laden Videotape
• What Is Tonight's Secret Ingredient?: Eggs
• Britney Spears and Eliot Spitzer: Tonight on CBS
• Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2
• Alan Kalter's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater
ACT 3
• Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You
 Read now

• Demi Moore
 Watch now
ACT 4
• More with Demi Moore
ACT 5
• Audience Shot
ACT 6
• Anthony Bourdain
ACT 7
• Counting Crows perform "You Can't Count On Me"
• Show Close

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