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Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Show #2912
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Robert Downey, Jr.; and Alicia Keys.
PLUS: Dave with Cracked Ribs; The Rice Shortage; Iron Man’s Shoes; “Madden ‘09”; Get To Know Kentucky Derby Favorites; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Can A Guy Dressed as Iron Man Hail a New York City Taxi; a Top Ten List; and Alan Kalter All-Inclusive All-Nude Summer Island.

“ . . . and now, professor of human molecular genetics . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
Before the show during the Q&A, a woman in the balcony talked about getting thrown from a horse. Dave says she could have gone talking with her for hours. Dave himself was thrown just this weekend. He fears he may have cracked a side of ribs. He adds, “It kills me when I laugh, so I came to the right show.”

The global rice shortage is starting to get worrisome. We take a look at this announcement.
Announce: “This week, Israel implemented rice rationing. Well, President Bush would like to remind all American men that there’s still some rice here at home that’s waiting for anyone who wants it.” (cut to photo of Condoleezza Rice)
“Condoleezza Rice: Be There”

After Dave finished his monologue, he came over to the desk and found something quite odd under his desk. He plops it on his desk to show what he found: a shoe attached to a hose attached to a fire extinguisher. It’s for a joke about Iron Man’s shoes. All of Iron Man’s powers come from his costume, and most of the power of his costume comes from his shoes. As Dave tries to explain this Shoe/Fire Extinguisher gadget, he accidentally pulls the trigger. A blast of CO2 fires out of the sole of the shoe. What Dave thought was a bulky and awkward piece of equipment suddenly became interesting. He tries on the shoe. It fits. And then he puts the apparatus into operation. Placing his foot on the desk, he fires the extinguisher. Out comes the carbon dioxide with great force. Hopefully, Dave will use his new shoe for good and not evil.

It was revealed last week that retired Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre is featured on the cover of this year’s edition of the popular video game, “Madden ’09.” Dave played a little of it earlier in the day and admits it’s not too exciting.
We watch a clip from the XBox game.
We see the retired Brett Favre sitting on his living room sofa. His wife enters and asks, “Brett, did you clean out the garage?”
Brett answers, “Ah, quit riding’ me . . .”
His wife then lasers Brett to smithereens. Game over.

Are you folks excited for the Kentucky Derby this weekend? We’ve prepared a special segment to help you get to know the horses. Tonight’s installment features one of the favorites, Colonel John.
Announce: “Colonel John is a California-based horse who has won 4 of his last 5 races. He was sired by Tiznow, the former champion three-year-old. If Colonel John does not win the Kentucky Derby, he will be put down and turned into T.G.I.Friday’s Boneless Shanghai Wings.
This has been ‘Getting To Know the Kentucky Derby Favorites.’”
My favorite part of this piece was the horse whinny SFX near the end.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: Making a dramatic speech: “….. power of liberty . . .you will change the worl . . . . world!” He lifts up on his toes when he corrects himself. Oh, and he was so close!

ACT 2:
CAN A GUY DRESSED AS IRON MAN HAIL A NEW YORK CITY TAXI?
Iron Man opens this Friday and to celebrate the big blockbuster, we decided to conduct this little social experiment. We dressed up a guy in an Iron Man costume and sent him out to Broadway. The question: “Can a guy dressed as Iron Man hail a New York City Taxi?” We meet Eddie the Iron Man. Dave suggests he look more like a red ant. Before our Iron Man begins, Dave has our Alan Kalter offer a bit of information about New York City Taxi Cabs.
Alan tells us that the NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission Matthew W. Daus has sat naked from the waste down in 65% of all taxi cabs currently in use in New York City.
Those who bothered to notice saw that Alan had a trickle of blood coming from his nose. When Dave asked about it, Alan said it was nothing.
Okay, Iron Man, do your stuff. After a few moments of “Hey, buddy, over here!” a taxi finally pulls up. Iron Man gets in and away he goes.

Is that the end? We weren’t sure. Before the show we had hoped Iron Man would eventually get a ride. But what if he didn’t? Well, we had a fat Spider-Man standing by to assist. This would offer the comic relief to a piece that didn’t have a pay-off. But what happened is Iron Man got a cab much too quickly. From my seat I urged Dave to send in Fat Spider-Man. Others in the know likely did also. Dave perused his blue card and picked up the loose ball and called for Fat Spider-Man to enter and try to hail a cab. Spidey, who probably thought he wouldn’t be needed at this time, was quickly shoved out towards Broadway. Yes, our Fat Spider-Man was indeed fat. And although his face was covered with the mask, his identity was known by all: “Hey, that’s George!”
Fat Spider-Man attempts to get a cab to stop for him but none do. Some of the taxi cabs were occupied so they wouldn’t have stopped anyway. It’s the unoccupied cabs that needed to explain themselves. Note: an unoccupied and available cab has the yellow light lit on the top of the cab. Once in use, the light is turned off.

While Fan Spider-Man continues, we go to commercial.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex in a McDonald’s.
Earlier this month in Japan, 3 men and a woman were arrested after being caught shooting an adult film in the corner of a McDonald’s.
#9. Am I going to get the McClap?
6. Would she rather have had a Whopper?
5. Is this what my dad meant when he said, “Go get a job at McDonald’s?

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR
He’s looking good, he’s looking fit. Downey says it might just be the suit. He admits to not being in the best shape because he’s been traveling all over the world promoting the “Iron Man” film. This involves lots of eating of the local fare. Host cities like to show what they got and being a good guest, Robert sampled much. I wonder if he had some of the Late Show cookies in the green room. And although Robert Downey Jr. has circumnavigated the world to promote this film, he admits that coming to the Late Show is the highlight. My guess: this is probably also the last one he has to do. Earlier in the day, Robert opened the New York Stock Exchange. He’s not much of a finance guy but was very impressed with the giant room. Typically, what he thought of the stock exchange was, “Boy, back in the day this would have been a great club space.” He then had to laugh at the thought of his commencing global finance. “I’ve come a long way,” he muses.
Robert has a 14-year-old son and Dave wonders what he should expect when Harry gets to be that age. Downey says everything will be fine, just fine, that is if you have a well adjusted kid.” Robert is proud to say his son is surprisingly well adjusted, especially since most of his friends in California are also the off-spring of Hollywood types. Robert wants to help him get a summer job, one that will teach him what it is to work in a thankless job. Robert tells stories of his own summer jobs as a kid; one being working at a Thrifty’s, a discount store that sold everything. He sometimes wouldn’t ring up the right items when a friend showed up, such as selling a lawn mower for 18 cents. The manager sensed what was going on and Robert was transferred to inventory. Yipes. That sounds like putting the wolf in charge of the henhouse. And when that position was abused, he was transferred to the ice cream counter. For the rest of the summer, his arms smelled like dairy.
The new Iron Man action figures are out and when you take off the helmet you don’t see Robert Downey Jr,; you see Scott Baio. Two Iron Man action figures are on Dave’s desk; one small, one big. Downey uses the two to show what it was like to work with long and leggy Gwyneth Paltrow. Robert portrayed himself as the small action figure and Gwyneth as the much taller one. Dave says sort of under his breath that there are some benefits to that, which Robert Downey found very amusing. Nice catch.
Iron Man – opens Friday at every theater near you.

ACT 4:
We go out to the Fat Spider-Man one more time. Iron Man got a cab in no time but poor Spider-Man has been out there all night with no luck. Dave suggests that he suck in his stomach a little bit; maybe that’ll help. We wait . . . and then we see Spidey suck in his tummy. And then just like that, SNAP! stops a cab. Spider-Man gets in and drives off.
I talked to a cabbie on my home after the show. I told him the story about Iron Man and Spider-Man. He explained the reason for what happened is because it is well-known among drivers that Spider-Man is a terrible tipper.

DAVE: “Earlier tonight, our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could have a moment to talk about something. I think we have some time now, so take it away, Alan.”

ALAN: ‘Thanks, Dave. Now that the weather is warming up, many Americans are planning their summer vacations. So If you’re looking for some hot summer fun that fits your modern, carefree lifestyle, check out ‘Alan Kalter’s All-Inclusive, All-Nude Summer Island.’ Whether you enjoy exciting activities likes all-natural snorkeling and nude limbo night, or you just want to sip afternoon tea with your junk hanging out, ‘Alan Kalter’s All-Inclusive, All-Nude Summer Island’ will let you relax the way the good Lord intended: bare-ass naked.
And since it’s all-inclusive, you don’t have to carry a wallet ---- but where would you carry it, anyway? All you have to do is sign for everything. Just make sure it’s a pen you’re grabbing and not another guy’s wiener --- unless that’s what you’re into. Dave?

DAVE: “Thank you, Alan. That was awful. We’ll be right back.”

ACT 5:
Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Matthew Broderick, from ‘The Hills’ Heidi Montag, and musician Josh Groban. The Late Show, filling your home with laughter for over 45 years!
We’ll be right back.”

ACT 6:
ALICIA KEYS: From her CD, “As I Am,” the lovely Ms. Keys performed “Teenage Love Affair.”
After the song, she sits and chats. If you recall from the last time she was here, Alicia likes to go on solo trips to exotic places. She told of her trip to Egypt and Greece back then, and her most recent trip was to Machu Pichu in Peru. After a quick sight-see, she rested the night to prepare for the hike of the ruins the next morning. At around midnight, she woke and ordered some soup to satisfy a hunger. And by 4:00 AM, she was so violently ill she could barely move. Her attempt to make the hike lasted about 10 steps. The rest of the vacation was spent in bed with an oxygen mask. Sounds like me every morning in college.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 29, 2008.




The Democratic Primary heads to Indiana next week. And earlier today, Hillary Clinton claimed to be one of the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame.

Did you watch any of the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday night? I watched a few minutes. I couldn’t help but laugh at our President during the introductions. He looked so uncomfortably goofy. You figure he’d have that under control by now. He looked as if he was thinking, “Woweee! Look at everybody looking at me! What can I say that would be real funny?”

Not only is there a rice shortage, but Uncle Ben is now missing.

The other day I heard a radio replay of the final out of the 1996 World Series between the Atlanta Braves and the victorious New York Yankees. Yankee announcer John Sterling bellows, “The Yankees win; theeeeeee Yankees win!” This now extremely tiresome denouement was somewhat new at the time. But it’s been going after every Yankee win for the past 12+ years. And here’s the part that really irks me: a Yankee win in April 2008 gets a bigger “theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees win!” than it did when the Yankees won the World Series in 1996. The Yankees having this guy in the broadcast booth is an insult to every clear-thinking Yankee fan.

I heard Springsteen’s “Born To Run” on the radio this morning. I always feel as if I should stand or put my hand over my heart or something whenever I hear it. Yes, the song was that important to those who lived through disco 70s and 80s.

This just in: New York Ranger Scott Gomez was just called for a two-minute penalty for ending a sentence with a preposition in the presence of Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Denver, Colorado, it’s Jami Castaldo
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Rice Shortage VT
• Iron Man Shoe
• "John Madden '09" featuring Brett Favre
• Getting To Know The Kentucky Derby Favorites: Colonel John
• Jeff Altman Glass Crash
• Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2
• Can a Guy Dressed as Iron Man Hail a New York City Taxi?
• Can a Guy Dressed as Fat Spider-Man Hail a New York City Taxi?
ACT 3
• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having Sex in a McDonald's
 Read now

• Robert Downey, Jr.
 Watch now
ACT 4
• Fat Spider-Man Hails a Cab
• Alan Kalter's All-Inclusive All-Nude Summer Island
ACT 5
• Audience Shot
ACT 6
• Alicia Keys performs "Teenage Love Affair"
ACT 7
• Alicia Keys Talk
• Show Close

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