DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Amanda Peet; Jon Hamm; and Augustana. PLUS:Tips on How to Beat the Heat; Tainted Jalapenos; Barack Obama’s Staff; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Small Town News; and a Batman Fan.
“ . . . and now, troubled x-ray technician . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
This happens every now and then. I took home the notes I kept on this show, started to do this Wahoo, decided to finish it Wednesday morning at work . . . and left my notes there. I’ll do much of the following on someone else’s outline.
Dave welcomes back writer Bill Scheft to the show how had been on a hiatus getting a new hip. I’m not quite sure I believe it. I will say this, though. His face looks a little tighter.
It’s been brutally hot around here in the city. If you find yourself struggling to keep cool, here’s some helpful tips for beating the heat.
Art card: “Late Show Tips For Beating the Heat” Announcer: “When outdoors, wear light-fitting clothing and apply plenty of sunscreen.
Avoid strenuous activity, especially during the sun’s peak hours.
And remember to keep hydrated by drinking water, an electrolyte-rich sports drink, or if you feel adventurous, try this.”
- Cut to a clip of Bear Grylls from “Man vs. Wild.”
Bear Grylls: “The only thing I can do is drink my own pee.” We see Mr. Grylls drink his pee. Hey, it’s show biz!
A jalapeno pepper has been found with the same strain of salmonella that was infecting the tomatoes. Dave went down to the local Radio Shack and got himself . . . . a Tainted Jalapeno Detector. Dave pulls out a paddle-wand an airport security guard waves around you as you proceed through the terminal. Dave then produces three jalapenos. He waves the paddle over one jalapeno. . . . nothing.
He waves the paddle over a second jalapeno . . . . nothing.
He waves the paddle over the third jalapeno. The paddle responds with an alarm sounding much like the familiar “La Cucaracha” car horn.
Dave takes the tainted jalapeno and says, “No thank you.” He then tosses the jalapeno through the window behind him.
A new report says Barack Obama’s full-time campaign staff is the largest in American history. And here’s a related fact that Dave thought was interesting.
Announce: “With 900 people working full-time to get him elected, Barack Obama has the biggest campaign staff in presidential candidate history. This is not to be confused with a distinction held by Richard Nixon, who according to his wife, Pat, had the biggest staff in presidential candidate history.”
(See a pantless Nixon)
“Nixon: Big where it counts.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
President Bush: “I like to fish.” How can you not like a man who likes to fish?
ACT 2:
During the commercial break, Will Lee and the CBS Orchestra performed “Vehicle” by the “Ides of March.” Very impressive.
SMALL TOWN NEWS
THE POST-SEARCHLIGHT (BAINBRIDGE, GEORGIA): “ON MONDAY, A WOMAN FOUND A THREATENING NOTE WRITTEN TO HER ON A SQUASH.”
THE NEWS & RECORD (GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA): “BIRD LOST, MALE COCKATIEL, WHISTLES THE ANDY GRIFFITH THEME SONG.”
THE CHRONICLE-TELEGRAM (ELYRIA, OHIO): “OIL PRICES SURPASS $130 PER GALLON”
THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE (SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA): “EL CHARRO RESTAURANT—HOUSE OF THE CRAB ENCHILADA. BUY ONE REGULAR ENCHILADA AND GET 50% OFF THE 2ND ONE. DOES NOT INCLUDE CRAB ENCHILADA.”
THE JERSEY JOURNAL (JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY): “A BAYONNE MAN WAS ARRESTED WHEN A SHOPRITE SECURITY GUARD CAUGHT HIM STUFFING MORE THAN $100 WORTH OF FROZEN MEAT DOWN HIS PANTS.”
A guy in a batman mask meanders behind Dave. He looks a bit lost. Dave notices the lost gent. DAVE: “Can I help you?”
Batman fan: “Is this the line for Batman tickets?” DAVE: “No, it isn’t.”
Batman fan: “Oh . . . . . . . . do you want to go see Batman with me?” DAVE: “ . . . Sure.” (Dave was scripted to say’ No.’)
Batman fan: “ . . . great.” DAVE: “But I have a show to do right now.”
Batman fan: “Oh, okay.” Batman fans exits.
THE STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER (SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS): “WANT TO FIND: MAN THAT PURCHASED WICKER LOVESEAT AT MY GARAGE SALE IN JEROME ON JUNE 14. IN TROUBLE WITH FAMILY AND NEED TO BUY IT BACK.”
ACT 3: AMANDA PEET
Amanda is sick and tired of getting all nervous before coming on the show. She’s been here many times before, but still continues to get nervous. And she loves coming on the show, and loves Dave. And Dave loves her. And she loves Dave. And Dave really loves her. Amanda says she was going to ask Biff to come out with her just to provide comfort. Dave says that can be arranged and calls for Biff to sit beside Amanda. Biff is startled by his interrupted down-time and enters and sits in the 2nd guest chair. Dave tries to conduct his interview with Amanda but Amanda now finds Biff a bit distracting in an amusing sort of way. Dave asks Amanda how she is handling the heat in New York City. She in turn asks Biff what he thinks about the weather. Biff responds, “It’s hot, baby.” Dave thanks Biff for his time and thinks Amanda can take it alone from here. Biff exits.
We learn that Amanda has a tough time with the hot weather due to her low blood pressure.
We hear how her low blood pressure and heat and gin and tonic caused her to be carted out on a stretcher while dining at a restaurant some years back. It was after filming a lesbian love scene with Rosie Perez. Amanda then does a very fine Rosie Perez impersonation.
Amanda is in the new X-File movie, The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It opens this Friday. We see a clip, but first we saw a phony Shecky clip of a woman rolling one eye around and around while the other eye went up and down.
If I ruled the world . . . when we show a phony Shecky clip when the actor or actress is expecting an actual clip, we should provide a small shot of the actor in the corner of the TV screen to see his or her reaction. That’s what I would do if I ruled the world.
ACT 5: Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, from ‘Step Brothers’ actor John C. Reilly; Journalist Jane Mayer; and musical group Grizzly Bear.
The Late Show, making tasty burgers since 1973!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: JON HAMM: Emmy nominated for Best Actor in a Drama for his work on Mad Men, seen on AMC. Jon is from St. Louis. What Dave knows about St. Louis is the summers are very very hot. Jon adds, “and very humid.” To escape those hot summers, Jon and the family would drive down to Grandma’s in southern Florida, probably the only place in America that is hotter and more humid in the summer than St. Louis. Summers in Florida consisted of a bathing suit, swim mask and snorkel. Nothing else was needed. And somehow Jon survived all those summers in southern Florida without a drop of sunblock.
And that’s all I got. My notes are home. The outline I’m following ends there. I’m pretty sure there was more.
The 2nd season of Mad Men on AMC premieres Sunday, July 27th at 10:00 PM. I’ve heard good things about it and it’s one of the few shows I plan to look for, just behind Family Guy.
ACT 7: AUGUSTANA: From their new album, “Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt,” Augustana performed “I Still Ain’t Over You.”
And that was our show for Tuesday, July 22, 2008.
What’s a nickel worth? The other day I saw a nickel on my driveway. I was carrying packages so I didn’t stop to pick it up. The next morning I saw it again as I was getting into my car to go to work. In my rush, I decided to pick it up later when I got home. When I got home, the nickel was still sitting there on the driveway. I’ve since decided to leave the nickel there until someone else picks it up. There are lots of kids in the neighborhood and my 12-year-old girls are constantly going in and out of the house with friends. I’m sure they’ve seen the nickel, too. But it seems a nickel today isn’t worth the effort to bend down to pick it up. How long will the nickel sit there until someone decides to invest the effort? Sad. A nickel isn’t worth a penny today.
I was watching the Mets game last night vs. the Philadelphia Phillies in the battle for first place. The Mets ace Johan Santana was on the mound in the 8th with a 5-2 lead. Come the 9th, he’s out. Met Manager Jerry Manuel decided Santana had enough. Pitchers today don’t pitch complete games. If you want to see a pitcher go 9 innings, you’ll have to change the game to go 10 innings. Santana, with his $140 million contract, was sat down and not allowed to finish the game. He had thrown 105 pitches. Well, the Phillies scored 6 runs in the 9th and ended up winning 8-6. Stupid Mets. Stupid stupid Mets.
I like the Mets, but I also like to see them lose. I never was quite sure why I felt this way. After the game, I went to bed and listened to the sports radio station like I always do. I soon realized why I like it when the Mets lose, especially the way they lost last night. The Met fans calling in to the radio show were destroyed; they were apoplectic; they were so violently angry they could barely contain themselves. Last night’s radio was some of the best I’ve heard in years. Great passion; so emotional. I no longer get emotionally involved in sports, at least I try not to, but I could understand their feelings. Awful awful game; great great radio.
Oh, and Johan Santana, it’s time you “man up.” The next time you’re told to sit the 9th with a lead when you’ve thrown only 105 pitches, you better tell your manager to stick it.
In 1963, Warren Spahn and Juan Marichal each pitched a complete 16-inning game. The Giants and Marichal won in the 16th on a home run by Willie Mays. The score: 1-0. There was no record kept on the number of pitches thrown by Spahn or Marichal. Warren Spahn was 42 years old.
I don’t watch too many Met games but they really have to get rid of the canned “music” at the stadium. So darn annoying.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Hillsboro, Wisconsin, it’s Scott Sterba
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Amanda Peet; Jon Hamm; and Augustana. PLUS:Tips on How to Beat the Heat; Tainted Jalapenos; Barack Obama’s Staff; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Small Town News; and a Batman Fan.
“ . . . and now, troubled x-ray technician . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
This happens every now and then. I took home the notes I kept on this show, started to do this Wahoo, decided to finish it Wednesday morning at work . . . and left my notes there. I’ll do much of the following on someone else’s outline.
Dave welcomes back writer Bill Scheft to the show how had been on a hiatus getting a new hip. I’m not quite sure I believe it. I will say this, though. His face looks a little tighter.
It’s been brutally hot around here in the city. If you find yourself struggling to keep cool, here’s some helpful tips for beating the heat.
Art card: “Late Show Tips For Beating the Heat” Announcer: “When outdoors, wear light-fitting clothing and apply plenty of sunscreen.
Avoid strenuous activity, especially during the sun’s peak hours.
And remember to keep hydrated by drinking water, an electrolyte-rich sports drink, or if you feel adventurous, try this.”
- Cut to a clip of Bear Grylls from “Man vs. Wild.”
Bear Grylls: “The only thing I can do is drink my own pee.” We see Mr. Grylls drink his pee. Hey, it’s show biz!
A jalapeno pepper has been found with the same strain of salmonella that was infecting the tomatoes. Dave went down to the local Radio Shack and got himself . . . . a Tainted Jalapeno Detector. Dave pulls out a paddle-wand an airport security guard waves around you as you proceed through the terminal. Dave then produces three jalapenos. He waves the paddle over one jalapeno. . . . nothing.
He waves the paddle over a second jalapeno . . . . nothing.
He waves the paddle over the third jalapeno. The paddle responds with an alarm sounding much like the familiar “La Cucaracha” car horn.
Dave takes the tainted jalapeno and says, “No thank you.” He then tosses the jalapeno through the window behind him.
A new report says Barack Obama’s full-time campaign staff is the largest in American history. And here’s a related fact that Dave thought was interesting.
Announce: “With 900 people working full-time to get him elected, Barack Obama has the biggest campaign staff in presidential candidate history. This is not to be confused with a distinction held by Richard Nixon, who according to his wife, Pat, had the biggest staff in presidential candidate history.”
(See a pantless Nixon)
“Nixon: Big where it counts.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
President Bush: “I like to fish.” How can you not like a man who likes to fish?
ACT 2:
During the commercial break, Will Lee and the CBS Orchestra performed “Vehicle” by the “Ides of March.” Very impressive.
SMALL TOWN NEWS
THE POST-SEARCHLIGHT (BAINBRIDGE, GEORGIA): “ON MONDAY, A WOMAN FOUND A THREATENING NOTE WRITTEN TO HER ON A SQUASH.”
THE NEWS & RECORD (GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA): “BIRD LOST, MALE COCKATIEL, WHISTLES THE ANDY GRIFFITH THEME SONG.”
THE CHRONICLE-TELEGRAM (ELYRIA, OHIO): “OIL PRICES SURPASS $130 PER GALLON”
THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE (SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA): “EL CHARRO RESTAURANT—HOUSE OF THE CRAB ENCHILADA. BUY ONE REGULAR ENCHILADA AND GET 50% OFF THE 2ND ONE. DOES NOT INCLUDE CRAB ENCHILADA.”
THE JERSEY JOURNAL (JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY): “A BAYONNE MAN WAS ARRESTED WHEN A SHOPRITE SECURITY GUARD CAUGHT HIM STUFFING MORE THAN $100 WORTH OF FROZEN MEAT DOWN HIS PANTS.”
A guy in a batman mask meanders behind Dave. He looks a bit lost. Dave notices the lost gent. DAVE: “Can I help you?”
Batman fan: “Is this the line for Batman tickets?” DAVE: “No, it isn’t.”
Batman fan: “Oh . . . . . . . . do you want to go see Batman with me?” DAVE: “ . . . Sure.” (Dave was scripted to say’ No.’)
Batman fan: “ . . . great.” DAVE: “But I have a show to do right now.”
Batman fan: “Oh, okay.” Batman fans exits.
THE STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER (SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS): “WANT TO FIND: MAN THAT PURCHASED WICKER LOVESEAT AT MY GARAGE SALE IN JEROME ON JUNE 14. IN TROUBLE WITH FAMILY AND NEED TO BUY IT BACK.”
ACT 3: AMANDA PEET
Amanda is sick and tired of getting all nervous before coming on the show. She’s been here many times before, but still continues to get nervous. And she loves coming on the show, and loves Dave. And Dave loves her. And she loves Dave. And Dave really loves her. Amanda says she was going to ask Biff to come out with her just to provide comfort. Dave says that can be arranged and calls for Biff to sit beside Amanda. Biff is startled by his interrupted down-time and enters and sits in the 2nd guest chair. Dave tries to conduct his interview with Amanda but Amanda now finds Biff a bit distracting in an amusing sort of way. Dave asks Amanda how she is handling the heat in New York City. She in turn asks Biff what he thinks about the weather. Biff responds, “It’s hot, baby.” Dave thanks Biff for his time and thinks Amanda can take it alone from here. Biff exits.
We learn that Amanda has a tough time with the hot weather due to her low blood pressure.
We hear how her low blood pressure and heat and gin and tonic caused her to be carted out on a stretcher while dining at a restaurant some years back. It was after filming a lesbian love scene with Rosie Perez. Amanda then does a very fine Rosie Perez impersonation.
Amanda is in the new X-File movie, The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It opens this Friday. We see a clip, but first we saw a phony Shecky clip of a woman rolling one eye around and around while the other eye went up and down.
If I ruled the world . . . when we show a phony Shecky clip when the actor or actress is expecting an actual clip, we should provide a small shot of the actor in the corner of the TV screen to see his or her reaction. That’s what I would do if I ruled the world.
ACT 5: Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, from ‘Step Brothers’ actor John C. Reilly; Journalist Jane Mayer; and musical group Grizzly Bear.
The Late Show, making tasty burgers since 1973!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: JON HAMM: Emmy nominated for Best Actor in a Drama for his work on Mad Men, seen on AMC. Jon is from St. Louis. What Dave knows about St. Louis is the summers are very very hot. Jon adds, “and very humid.” To escape those hot summers, Jon and the family would drive down to Grandma’s in southern Florida, probably the only place in America that is hotter and more humid in the summer than St. Louis. Summers in Florida consisted of a bathing suit, swim mask and snorkel. Nothing else was needed. And somehow Jon survived all those summers in southern Florida without a drop of sunblock.
And that’s all I got. My notes are home. The outline I’m following ends there. I’m pretty sure there was more.
The 2nd season of Mad Men on AMC premieres Sunday, July 27th at 10:00 PM. I’ve heard good things about it and it’s one of the few shows I plan to look for, just behind Family Guy.
ACT 7: AUGUSTANA: From their new album, “Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt,” Augustana performed “I Still Ain’t Over You.”
And that was our show for Tuesday, July 22, 2008.
What’s a nickel worth? The other day I saw a nickel on my driveway. I was carrying packages so I didn’t stop to pick it up. The next morning I saw it again as I was getting into my car to go to work. In my rush, I decided to pick it up later when I got home. When I got home, the nickel was still sitting there on the driveway. I’ve since decided to leave the nickel there until someone else picks it up. There are lots of kids in the neighborhood and my 12-year-old girls are constantly going in and out of the house with friends. I’m sure they’ve seen the nickel, too. But it seems a nickel today isn’t worth the effort to bend down to pick it up. How long will the nickel sit there until someone decides to invest the effort? Sad. A nickel isn’t worth a penny today.
I was watching the Mets game last night vs. the Philadelphia Phillies in the battle for first place. The Mets ace Johan Santana was on the mound in the 8th with a 5-2 lead. Come the 9th, he’s out. Met Manager Jerry Manuel decided Santana had enough. Pitchers today don’t pitch complete games. If you want to see a pitcher go 9 innings, you’ll have to change the game to go 10 innings. Santana, with his $140 million contract, was sat down and not allowed to finish the game. He had thrown 105 pitches. Well, the Phillies scored 6 runs in the 9th and ended up winning 8-6. Stupid Mets. Stupid stupid Mets.
I like the Mets, but I also like to see them lose. I never was quite sure why I felt this way. After the game, I went to bed and listened to the sports radio station like I always do. I soon realized why I like it when the Mets lose, especially the way they lost last night. The Met fans calling in to the radio show were destroyed; they were apoplectic; they were so violently angry they could barely contain themselves. Last night’s radio was some of the best I’ve heard in years. Great passion; so emotional. I no longer get emotionally involved in sports, at least I try not to, but I could understand their feelings. Awful awful game; great great radio.
Oh, and Johan Santana, it’s time you “man up.” The next time you’re told to sit the 9th with a lead when you’ve thrown only 105 pitches, you better tell your manager to stick it.
In 1963, Warren Spahn and Juan Marichal each pitched a complete 16-inning game. The Giants and Marichal won in the 16th on a home run by Willie Mays. The score: 1-0. There was no record kept on the number of pitches thrown by Spahn or Marichal. Warren Spahn was 42 years old.
I don’t watch too many Met games but they really have to get rid of the canned “music” at the stadium. So darn annoying.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Hillsboro, Wisconsin, it’s Scott Sterba
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Dave Welcomes Back Bill Scheft • Late Show Tips For Beating The Heat • Tainted Jalapeno Detector • Barack Obama's Staff • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
