DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Richard Simmons; and Mary-Louise Parker. PLUS:Late Show Fun Facts; a Top Ten list; and Paul Thoresen Drops a 55-Gallon Water Balloon from the Roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater onto a Chrysler LeBaron Convertible.
" . . . and now, custom chopper builder . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Following the monologue, we head to the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building to find Paul Thoresen, a student from the University of Wisconsin at Madison. He was here last week to drop a 55-gallon water balloon down onto 53rd Street. It was a Shriner's dream at the annual convention. What's Paul got for us tonight? He's going to once again drop a 55-gallon water balloon from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building, but this time onto a convertible! Alan Kalter tells us about the convertible. We take a look at the convertible as Alan gives its specs: "Dave, it's a 1994 Chrysler Buick LaBaron LX Convertible. It comes equipped with automatic transmission, cloth upholstery, driver's side air bag, and an AM/FM cassette radio. It has 147,338 miles on the odometer and a blue book value of $2,500! Back to you, numbnuts."
Dave gives the weather conditions, and tells us today's celebrity birthday: Dom Deluise turns 75 today.
The weight of the 55-gallon water balloon -- between 400 and 500 pounds. Captained by LATE SHOW Property Master Pat Farmer, the team lifts and tilts the platform holding the water balloon. The water balloon slides forward and off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater to the Chrysler Buick LeBaron Convertible waiting below. SMASH! It's a direct hit onto the convertible, smashing the front windshield to smithereens.
ACT 2: LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
But first, a letter from Mr. Gary Sherman of the FBMI:
"Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed are the latest Fun Facts compiled by the FBMI.
I'm pleased to invite you and your viewers to Ocean City, Maryland this Saturday for the First Annual FBMI Beach Barbecue. It will be followed by a bonfire of shredded FBMI office documents. The kids will love it. See you there!
Sincerely, Gary Sherman.M
FBMI -- Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information."
And then we did Fun Facts, soon to be America's funnest game show.
ACT 3:
Dave says he and Richard Simmons has somewhat of a checkered past. Many may think Richard is kind of odd, but once you spend some time with him you find that he's genuinely irritating.
TOP TEN: New Words -- a hundred new words were recently added to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. The three richest sources of new words in the last decade have been: Technology; Foreign Words for Food; and Medical Terms.
Top Ten New Words: 9. Winehoused. 6. Craptastic 5. AndyDickulous.
RICHARD SIMMONS
He enters from 53rd Street being driven by one of those pedicabs, a rickshaw type vehicle powered by a guy on a bicycle.
Dave says about the pedicabs' "Those things are deathtraps!"
Richard then asks, "So, why did you put me in it?" Very good line, Richard.
Sizing up Mr. Simmons, Dave says, "I see you missed your waxing."
Richard ignores him the best he can, and sort of changes the subject: "Do you like my outfit?"
Dave scrunches his face and says, "It looks a little cheap."
Again, Richard ignores Dave's barb. He then enthusiastically ventures, "Why don't you and I go see ‘Mamma Mia'?" Richard then stands and sings and dances to one of ABBA's best known songs. Dave hopes Richard would calm down but Richard continues to enthuse. Dave can only wonder, Are you on buzzalotalin?" I am sure I am no where near the correct spelling to the pharmaceutical to which Dave referred.
Richard is just back from one of his "Cruise to Lose" cruises, a cruise to help one lose weight. Huh? I thought the whole idea behind a cruise was to gain 15. And on this cruise they celebrated Richard's 60th birthday. Dave asks about the Cruise to Lose cruise if that's one of those cruises where everyone comes down with a stomach virus. Richard feels the question doesn't deserve an answer, but it would help one achieve the goal to lose weight.
And then for a reason I forgot, Richard hops on the guest chair and starts bounding up and down. Dave orders him down, charging, "I ain't Oprah! Get off the furniture!"
So what's new in Richard's life? He's chirping about The Food Mover. The 3 most important things to remember when trying to lose weight:
1. Love yourself.
2. Move yourself.M
3. Watch your portions.
Yes, we have a lot of fun at Richard's expense, but he does do important work. He is currently in a fight to get physical education back into our schools. Many phys ed. programs have been cut since the "No Child Left Behind" act which put more emphasis on reading, math, and science scores., at the expense of P.E. and recess. Just this past week Richard, in a suit, testified at a congressional hearing before the House Education and Labor Committee in support of the Fit Kids Bill. To learn more about his worthy endeavor, check out Richard's website at www.richardsimmons.com and click on his "P.E. Crusade".
ACT 5: Announce: "Monday on the Late Show; from ‘Pineapple Express,' actor Seth Rogen; Diving Dogs on 53rd Street, and musical group Fleet Foxes.
The Late Show! Has anybody seen my kitty?
We'll be right back."
ACT 6 ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW Dave: "And now it's time for another installment of ‘Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"
- an angry Alan leers at Dave. Alan: "So, Dave, will that be Visa or Master Card?" DAVE: "What do you mean?" Alan: "Well, normally it's customary to pay someone after you screw them like a ten-dollar whore." DAVE: "Alan, I don't understand what you're talking about." Alan: (mocking) "'Alan, I don't understand what you're talking about.' I know you're going senile, Grandpa, but even you couldn't forget that I've spent months preparing for tonight's celebrity interview. Perhaps you've met my ‘exclusive' guest, Richard Simmons."
(camera widens to reveal Richard Simmons sitting beside Dave) Alan: "'Exclusive,' my ass! By the way, Dave, can I get you a towel?" DAVE: "Why would I want a towel?" Alan: "Well, you were so far up Richard's shorts, I figured you might want to wipe off the body oil. ‘Oh, Richard, Deal-a-Meal changed my life! Oh, Richard, let me be in the next ‘Sweatin' to the Oldies.' Oh, Richard, can I feel your muscular thigh?'" DAVE: "Alan, I don't think that's how it went." Alan: "That's EXACTLY how it went! So, cut the crap, Gomer, or I'll nail your face to your nuts and roll you back to Indiana, you hayseed ‘givl' bag."
(Alan turns to Richard Simmons) Alan: "And check this ‘djoy,' Jack. If you ever show your face around here again, I'll wrap that tank top around your neck and squeeze it till glitter comes out your ass!"
(Alan exits)
And we go to commercial.
ACT 7: MARY-LOUISE PARKER
Wow. It's been 14 years since she's been here, February 3, 1995. Mary-Louise was nominated for an Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series for her work in Showtime's "Weeds." She's up against Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss; America Ferrara; and Christina Applegate. Mary-Louise won an Emmy in 2004 for "Angels in America." Mary-Louise received flowers from America Ferrara with the note, "It is an honor to be nominated alongside of you." Mary-Louise is feeling feisty this year and sent her fellow nominees each a bunch of fattening cookies. To Julia, she sent an accompanying note: "You think you can take me, hooker?" And to Tina, "It's on, bitch!"
"Weeds," seen on Showtime, has used a photo of a naked Mary-Louise to promote the show. Yes, that'll work. We see a naked MJ with a snake slithering around her body. Holding the photo, Dave asks, "What are we looking at here." Silly question. I know what I was looking at, and I figure most guys were looking at the same. Dave says, "I haven't said this in my 30 years on TV . . . . nice butt." Dave then wonders, "Do we need the snake?"
Mary-Louise recently adopted a daughter from Ethiopia and tells a heart-tugging story of the conditions of the impoverished area. The new daughter joins her two other children. Will there be more in the future? Mary-Louise isn't so sure, explaining she would have no place to put them. She says maybe she'll just get a pet.
And that was our show for Friday August 1, 2008.
Apologies to comedian Dwayne Kennedy who was to perform on tonight’s show. We will have him back at his earliest convenience. Dwayne will be performing all this weekend at Zanie’s Comedy Club in Chicago, Illinois.
I pitched this idea for the end of the show. We tape Friday’s show on Monday, an hour-and-a-half after Monday’s show. Dwayne Kennedy was bumped off the Friday show. I typed up a blue card for Dave to read:
“My apologies to Dwayne Kennedy, who was supposed to be on the show tonight.
We ran out of time.
We’ll try to have him back earlier in the week.”
BUZZZZ. Didn’t make it. Never got out there. I’ll try again next time.
Hey, Red Sox fans . . . . . you got rid of Manny Ramirez?!! I know it felt good getting rid of him . . . but . . . . let’s put it this way . . . you’ve made every Yankee fan very happy.
Meanwhile the Yankees picked up catcher Ivan Rodriguez. Great player, but I know I would have had more fun rooting for Molina, whichever one of the Molina’s we have.
June is done. July is gone. All we have left is August. How’s the summer going so far? Getttin’ it done? How will you remember the Summer of ‘08? First suggestion: Stop reading this and get outside. You know that bicycle you have in the garage? Dust it off and give it a spin. That walk along the river you’ve put off for the past 3 years . . . now would be a nice time to give it a shot. What about that trip to the horsetrack you promised yourself? Whatever happened to that? C’mon, the summer won’t wait for you. You have to go out and do it!
I’m sorry; the above was a note to myself. It wasn’t meant for you.
By the way, if you don’t have any kids . . . . save renting a beach house till September. It’s the best time of the year to be at the beach.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday on Saturday . . . Happy Birthday, Denise Dooley!
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Richard Simmons; and Mary-Louise Parker. PLUS:Late Show Fun Facts; a Top Ten list; and Paul Thoresen Drops a 55-Gallon Water Balloon from the Roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater onto a Chrysler LeBaron Convertible.
" . . . and now, custom chopper builder . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Following the monologue, we head to the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building to find Paul Thoresen, a student from the University of Wisconsin at Madison. He was here last week to drop a 55-gallon water balloon down onto 53rd Street. It was a Shriner's dream at the annual convention. What's Paul got for us tonight? He's going to once again drop a 55-gallon water balloon from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building, but this time onto a convertible! Alan Kalter tells us about the convertible. We take a look at the convertible as Alan gives its specs: "Dave, it's a 1994 Chrysler Buick LaBaron LX Convertible. It comes equipped with automatic transmission, cloth upholstery, driver's side air bag, and an AM/FM cassette radio. It has 147,338 miles on the odometer and a blue book value of $2,500! Back to you, numbnuts."
Dave gives the weather conditions, and tells us today's celebrity birthday: Dom Deluise turns 75 today.
The weight of the 55-gallon water balloon -- between 400 and 500 pounds. Captained by LATE SHOW Property Master Pat Farmer, the team lifts and tilts the platform holding the water balloon. The water balloon slides forward and off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater to the Chrysler Buick LeBaron Convertible waiting below. SMASH! It's a direct hit onto the convertible, smashing the front windshield to smithereens.
ACT 2: LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
But first, a letter from Mr. Gary Sherman of the FBMI:
"Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed are the latest Fun Facts compiled by the FBMI.
I'm pleased to invite you and your viewers to Ocean City, Maryland this Saturday for the First Annual FBMI Beach Barbecue. It will be followed by a bonfire of shredded FBMI office documents. The kids will love it. See you there!
Sincerely, Gary Sherman.M
FBMI -- Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information."
And then we did Fun Facts, soon to be America's funnest game show.
ACT 3:
Dave says he and Richard Simmons has somewhat of a checkered past. Many may think Richard is kind of odd, but once you spend some time with him you find that he's genuinely irritating.
TOP TEN: New Words -- a hundred new words were recently added to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. The three richest sources of new words in the last decade have been: Technology; Foreign Words for Food; and Medical Terms.
Top Ten New Words: 9. Winehoused. 6. Craptastic 5. AndyDickulous.
RICHARD SIMMONS
He enters from 53rd Street being driven by one of those pedicabs, a rickshaw type vehicle powered by a guy on a bicycle.
Dave says about the pedicabs' "Those things are deathtraps!"
Richard then asks, "So, why did you put me in it?" Very good line, Richard.
Sizing up Mr. Simmons, Dave says, "I see you missed your waxing."
Richard ignores him the best he can, and sort of changes the subject: "Do you like my outfit?"
Dave scrunches his face and says, "It looks a little cheap."
Again, Richard ignores Dave's barb. He then enthusiastically ventures, "Why don't you and I go see ‘Mamma Mia'?" Richard then stands and sings and dances to one of ABBA's best known songs. Dave hopes Richard would calm down but Richard continues to enthuse. Dave can only wonder, Are you on buzzalotalin?" I am sure I am no where near the correct spelling to the pharmaceutical to which Dave referred.
Richard is just back from one of his "Cruise to Lose" cruises, a cruise to help one lose weight. Huh? I thought the whole idea behind a cruise was to gain 15. And on this cruise they celebrated Richard's 60th birthday. Dave asks about the Cruise to Lose cruise if that's one of those cruises where everyone comes down with a stomach virus. Richard feels the question doesn't deserve an answer, but it would help one achieve the goal to lose weight.
And then for a reason I forgot, Richard hops on the guest chair and starts bounding up and down. Dave orders him down, charging, "I ain't Oprah! Get off the furniture!"
So what's new in Richard's life? He's chirping about The Food Mover. The 3 most important things to remember when trying to lose weight:
1. Love yourself.
2. Move yourself.M
3. Watch your portions.
Yes, we have a lot of fun at Richard's expense, but he does do important work. He is currently in a fight to get physical education back into our schools. Many phys ed. programs have been cut since the "No Child Left Behind" act which put more emphasis on reading, math, and science scores., at the expense of P.E. and recess. Just this past week Richard, in a suit, testified at a congressional hearing before the House Education and Labor Committee in support of the Fit Kids Bill. To learn more about his worthy endeavor, check out Richard's website at www.richardsimmons.com and click on his "P.E. Crusade".
ACT 5: Announce: "Monday on the Late Show; from ‘Pineapple Express,' actor Seth Rogen; Diving Dogs on 53rd Street, and musical group Fleet Foxes.
The Late Show! Has anybody seen my kitty?
We'll be right back."
ACT 6 ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW Dave: "And now it's time for another installment of ‘Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"
- an angry Alan leers at Dave. Alan: "So, Dave, will that be Visa or Master Card?" DAVE: "What do you mean?" Alan: "Well, normally it's customary to pay someone after you screw them like a ten-dollar whore." DAVE: "Alan, I don't understand what you're talking about." Alan: (mocking) "'Alan, I don't understand what you're talking about.' I know you're going senile, Grandpa, but even you couldn't forget that I've spent months preparing for tonight's celebrity interview. Perhaps you've met my ‘exclusive' guest, Richard Simmons."
(camera widens to reveal Richard Simmons sitting beside Dave) Alan: "'Exclusive,' my ass! By the way, Dave, can I get you a towel?" DAVE: "Why would I want a towel?" Alan: "Well, you were so far up Richard's shorts, I figured you might want to wipe off the body oil. ‘Oh, Richard, Deal-a-Meal changed my life! Oh, Richard, let me be in the next ‘Sweatin' to the Oldies.' Oh, Richard, can I feel your muscular thigh?'" DAVE: "Alan, I don't think that's how it went." Alan: "That's EXACTLY how it went! So, cut the crap, Gomer, or I'll nail your face to your nuts and roll you back to Indiana, you hayseed ‘givl' bag."
(Alan turns to Richard Simmons) Alan: "And check this ‘djoy,' Jack. If you ever show your face around here again, I'll wrap that tank top around your neck and squeeze it till glitter comes out your ass!"
(Alan exits)
And we go to commercial.
ACT 7: MARY-LOUISE PARKER
Wow. It's been 14 years since she's been here, February 3, 1995. Mary-Louise was nominated for an Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series for her work in Showtime's "Weeds." She's up against Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss; America Ferrara; and Christina Applegate. Mary-Louise won an Emmy in 2004 for "Angels in America." Mary-Louise received flowers from America Ferrara with the note, "It is an honor to be nominated alongside of you." Mary-Louise is feeling feisty this year and sent her fellow nominees each a bunch of fattening cookies. To Julia, she sent an accompanying note: "You think you can take me, hooker?" And to Tina, "It's on, bitch!"
"Weeds," seen on Showtime, has used a photo of a naked Mary-Louise to promote the show. Yes, that'll work. We see a naked MJ with a snake slithering around her body. Holding the photo, Dave asks, "What are we looking at here." Silly question. I know what I was looking at, and I figure most guys were looking at the same. Dave says, "I haven't said this in my 30 years on TV . . . . nice butt." Dave then wonders, "Do we need the snake?"
Mary-Louise recently adopted a daughter from Ethiopia and tells a heart-tugging story of the conditions of the impoverished area. The new daughter joins her two other children. Will there be more in the future? Mary-Louise isn't so sure, explaining she would have no place to put them. She says maybe she'll just get a pet.
And that was our show for Friday August 1, 2008.
Apologies to comedian Dwayne Kennedy who was to perform on tonight’s show. We will have him back at his earliest convenience. Dwayne will be performing all this weekend at Zanie’s Comedy Club in Chicago, Illinois.
I pitched this idea for the end of the show. We tape Friday’s show on Monday, an hour-and-a-half after Monday’s show. Dwayne Kennedy was bumped off the Friday show. I typed up a blue card for Dave to read:
“My apologies to Dwayne Kennedy, who was supposed to be on the show tonight.
We ran out of time.
We’ll try to have him back earlier in the week.”
BUZZZZ. Didn’t make it. Never got out there. I’ll try again next time.
Hey, Red Sox fans . . . . . you got rid of Manny Ramirez?!! I know it felt good getting rid of him . . . but . . . . let’s put it this way . . . you’ve made every Yankee fan very happy.
Meanwhile the Yankees picked up catcher Ivan Rodriguez. Great player, but I know I would have had more fun rooting for Molina, whichever one of the Molina’s we have.
June is done. July is gone. All we have left is August. How’s the summer going so far? Getttin’ it done? How will you remember the Summer of ‘08? First suggestion: Stop reading this and get outside. You know that bicycle you have in the garage? Dust it off and give it a spin. That walk along the river you’ve put off for the past 3 years . . . now would be a nice time to give it a shot. What about that trip to the horsetrack you promised yourself? Whatever happened to that? C’mon, the summer won’t wait for you. You have to go out and do it!
I’m sorry; the above was a note to myself. It wasn’t meant for you.
By the way, if you don’t have any kids . . . . save renting a beach house till September. It’s the best time of the year to be at the beach.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday on Saturday . . . Happy Birthday, Denise Dooley!
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
