" . . . and now, a man who was born to lay floor tile . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
During the monologue, Dave conducted another insta-poll. Barack or Obama? According to our audience, if the election were held tomorrow, Barack Obama would win by a very slight margin. Since Hillary's drop out, it's been Obama leading in every one of Dave's polls.

Later in the show on 53rd Street, we'll enjoy the Diving Dogs, part of the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge. We take a look outside to admire the set-up for the diving dogs. The pool has a runway 40 feet long. The pool is 41 feet long, 17 feet wide, and 4 feet deep. It holds 19,000 gallons of water. The water temperature: 54 degrees, just the way Dave likes it.
The weather conditions:
Temperature: 83 degrees.
Humidity: 44%
Barometric Pressure: steady at 29.97 inches
Wind: From the northwest at 11 mph.
Visibility: 10 miles.
And today's Celebrity Birthday: Billy Bob Thornton turned 55 years old today.
While the dogs stretch and get ready for their jumps, we continue with the show.

"People" magazine bought the rights to the first photos of Brad and Angelina's twins! It set the magazine back $400 but it seems well worth it. We see the "People" cover of Brad, Angelina, and Knox and Vivienne. And on the inside, we see a photo of the whole family. Yikes. Look at all those kids! Hope the Pitts have more than one bathroom in the house.

We are then interrupted by a CBS News Special Report: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Packers quarterback Brett Favre has cancelled his comeback bid and announced his retirement. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

It's time once again for Late Show tips for green living, with Chris and Gerry.
We see a VT of our old friend Chris Elliott and Gerry Mulligan. We see the two approaching a parked car with 4 friends. Mulligan: "A great way to conserve gasoline is to carpool."
Chris: "For instance, today Gerard and I are going to drive up to the country with some friends. But instead of taking several cars, we'll take one."
The whole gang gets into the car. We cut to the car pulling up to a tranquil country setting, 5 hours later. We see Gerry and his 4 friends get out of the car. But where is Chris? Gerry opens the trunk and we find an uncomfortable Mr. Elliott. He tries his best to put on his best enthused face.
Chris: "See? Traveling together saved several gallons of gas. And that's not only good for the environment, but for the . . . . ." Chris leans forward out of the trunk of the car and throws up. He tries to continue, but he throws up again.
What have we learned? Carpooling is fun, and when someone else throws up, it is funny.

We are then again interrupted by a CBS News Special Report: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has announced he is unretired and has re-joined the Green Bay Packers. This has been a CBS News Special Report"

Dave wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a . . . . Again, ware then interrupted by a CBS News Special Report: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has retired and while retiring, unretired. But then he retired again. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

"GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES"
Bush: "I just saw a welding machine . . . Actually I was the guy who punched the buttons."

ACT 2:
DIVING DOG #1: Forrest Gumpy, a Jack Russell Terrier. Owner: Sarah-Simone McDougall of Welland, Ontario. Jack Russell's were bred to chase rabbits down their rabbit holes. The Diving Dog competition seems to be perfect for a Jack Russell.
Forrest Gumpy's best jump ever was 23 feet, 6 inches.
We are ready for the first jump. Forrest Gumpy runs and leaps high and far into the long pool. The judge's distance: 23 feet, 6 inches! Great jump, but couldn't the judge make it 23 feet, 7 inches? Couldn't the judge give an inch and allow Forrest Gumpy a personal best on national TV? Where is his sense of the dramatic? Nice jump for Forrest Gumpy, tying his personal best of 23 feet, 6 inches.

TOP TEN: Things Overheard At Barack Obama's Birthday Party. Barack Obama turned 47 today, born August 4, 1961. BORN IN THE 60'S?! What? I'm older than the possible future President of the United States? He was a freshman when I was a senior? Ouch.
8. "Brett Favre hasn't decided if he's coming or not."
6. "Is Larry Craig still in the men's room?"
1. "Spitzer's here and he brought the whores."

ACT 3:
DIVING DOG #2: Colby, a Yellow Lab. Owner: Alisa Wayland, from Connecticut.
Colby is bigger than Forrest Gumpy and Dave wonders if that is a detriment. Perhaps there should be weight-classes for these events.
Colby is ready for his jump, and leaps a distance of 25 feet, 11 inches, two-and-a-half feet farther than Forrest Gumpy's jump. Huh? It's not quite the way I saw it but my vote doesn't count. I think Forrest Gumpy's small size made his leap seem greater than the larger Colby.

SETH ROGEN
The hot young comedic actor arrived nattily attired. Why for? Seth says he wanted to dress nice for the dogs. Is Seth a dog lover? Seth doesn't have a dog, but his girlfriend wants to get one. Seth is afraid a dog is just a stepping stone to having children. Getting a dog is the first step to getting a baby. Nothing against babies, but Seth isn't ready for that yet. What Seth does want is a motorcycle.
Unfortunately, his girlfriend hates motorcycles . . . . too dangerous. He's agreed to not get a motorcycle if she decided not to get a dog. She agrees, and Seth is happy with the trade-off.

My motorcycle story . . . really it's my brother's motorcycle story. My brother needed a little extra cash to help him buy his first car. Back then, kids had to buy their own car; parents weren't expected to buy it for you. He had most of the money on hand but just needed a little more to put him over the top. My parents knew 3 more of us followed and didn't want to set a precedent, so they dawdled. My brother, in need of wheels and cash in a hurry, came home and said he's decided to get a motorcycle instead. My parents quickly said, "How much do you need for the car?"

While growing up, Seth went to camp in Vancouver. There were two Jewish camps in Vancouver; one for the rich kids; one for the hippy kids. Seth went to the hippy camp, which was more like a socialist camp where the kids worked all summer long. It was forced child labor. One year he spent the whole year painting shelves. The camp was pretty run-down, but then again, all the repairs were made by 6-years olds, so what could you expect.
Seth's new film, "Pineapple Express" opens on Wednesday. In the film, he uses his grandmother's name, Fay Bologus, as one of the characters. When Seth told her about it last year, she wanted to know when the movie would be coming out. When he told her "next August," she said, "Never mind, all my friends will be dead by then." Well, "next August" is here and so are all her friends. Congratulations, you've made it.

Seth is now getting ready, and in shape, to play the Green Hornet in an upcoming movie. He's dieting. He's lost 15 pounds simply from cutting down on his 7 cheeseburgers a day. He admits to eating too much. He'd order at a Chinese restaurant and the waiter would bring a setting for 6. Seth would have to tell them, "No, it's just me." He's been working out with a personal trainer, too. It's real hard. Seth admits to throwing up the other day during the workout. This got a laugh. (see above; Elliott and Mulligan).

And being the good sport that he is, Seth runs outside to compete against the Diving Dogs. Seth's distance: 17 feet. I suspect the only reason Seth agreed to jump into the pool was to get a Late Show T-shirt to wear for the ride home.

ACT 4:
DIVING DOG #3: Seven, a German Shorthair Pointer. Owner: Rob DeDora, of Long Island. Why the name "Seven" for his dog? Rob says he is a big fan of Mickey Mantle. . . . Rob is, not Seven. Mickey Mantle's number was 7 and Rob's dog was born on Mickey Mantle's birthday. Without having to look it up, I knew it was October 20th. After a small debate between Dave and Paul about the key factor in the long jump, inertia vs. greater mass, Seven is ready. Seven's jump reached a distance of 26 feet, 3 inches.
Congratulations, Seven, you are the Late Show Diving Dog Champion! Seven is rewarded with a winner's cup of dog bones. Rob is awarded with the opportunity to stand beside our two lovely Late Show models.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Kelly Ripa; from ‘Hamlet 2' Steve Coogan, and musical group Spiritualized.
The Late Show! Home of America's largest salad bar!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
Dave introduces the former President of 7-Eleven and the current CEO of Shell Oil, Mr. Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and stands center stage and addresses the camera.
KEYES: "Nice to be back, folks. We had a great response to the free gas promotion we ran two months ago. Over 2 million Shell customers got free tanks of gas . . . all thanks to the generosity of that man right there, David Letterman!" (Keyes leads applause)
"Unfortunately, gas prices keep going up. But once again it's Dave Letterman and Shell to the rescue, with a new promotion that's sure to rev your engine! All this weekend at participating Shell stations, just say ‘I'm tired of expensive gas!' You'll get up to twenty gallons of free gas, and you also get a free compact spare tire! Plus, you can enter the drawing for our grand prize: four front row tickets to see Lil Wayne at Jones Beach, where you'll go backstage and ‘rock out!' Thanks to Dave and Shell, this summer's going to be a ‘gas,' am I right?
So visit your participating Shell station this weekend and say, ‘I'm tired of expensive gas!' You'll get your free gas and compact spare tire, and enter to win the Lil Wayne tickets! So, hip-hop on over. See you at Shell!"
Mr. Jim Keyes exits.
A doubtful Paul asks, "Dave, was that really the CEO of Shell?"
Dave, a bit doubtful himself, says, "Yes, I believe I remember seeing him at the Congressional hearings."

I'm not sure, but I think the key word in the above announcement was "participating" Shell stations. Let me know if you find one that's "participating."

ACT 7:
FLEET FOXES: From their self-titled album, Fleet Foxes performed "Blue Ridge Mountains."

And that was our show for Monday, August 4, 2008.



Is Budweiser now an imported beer?

Sunday, the family and I attended the annual Hillcrest Volunteer Firemen's Picnic. It's always good to see old friends while supping on plates of food and cups of grog. Hats off to a great organization, the Hillcrest Volunteer Fire Department.

And now my "Riding in the Trunk" story, inspired by tonight's Gerry Mulligan/Chris Elliott piece.
It was back in the summer of my high school years in the late 70s. 4 carloads of teens were going to the drive-in theater. As we neared the drive-in, I quickly volunteered to ride in the trunk to avoid paying the entrance fee. It was a Friday night and I was already thinking about Saturday night beer money. The movie we were going to see was unimportant. The camaraderie and beer was what was important. I made myself comfortable in the tight quarters of the trunk, elbowing a spare tire and jumper cables to make room. The stop and go of the car as we neared the entrance of the Monsey Drive-In lulled me into a slumber. Moments later the trunk is opened and out I come to enjoy the movie. Some of us sat on the front hood of the cars; others sat on lounge chairs they had brought with them. The beer and chips were aplenty. Little did we realize that our kids would never enjoy such a night. It was a beautiful night; calm, cool, breezy. And then about an hour into the movie, I noticed something wasn't right. I said aloud, "Hey, this isn't the Monsey Drive-In!" Everybody laughed. What happened? I was told the Monsey Drive-In was too crowded, so we drove another 10 miles to the Nyack Drive-In. But . . . but . . . I was in the trunk? I fell asleep while we were on line for the Monsey Drive-In and woke 20 minutes later when we got to the Nyack Drive-In. Nobody thought it necessary to get me out of the trunk.
And that's my "Riding In The Trunk" story. Please, no e-mails of the danger I was in. I now realize it. But I also had beer money for Saturday night.

My Brett Favre theory. . . I first predicted this in the Wahoo on July 30th:
"My guess: if the Green Bay Packers don't keep Favre, they'll keep him hanging around as long as possible, making it inconvenient for another team to pick him up just before the start of the season."
Now I'm more sure of that than ever. I think Favre will end up in Minnesota, but the Vikings are the Packers first game; Monday night, September 8th. If the Packers send Favre to the Vikings now, he'll have a whole bunch of practices under his belt with the Vikings offensive system by the time Game 1 rolls around. Favre will be ready to go against the Packers on September 8th in front of the whole country. If the Packers hang on to Brett Favre up until their final pre-season game and then trade him, it may be too later for Brett to play for the Vikings in the season opener. My prediction, which is likely to change until I get it right: The Packers will trade Brett Favre to the Minnesota Vikings in late August/early September.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday on Friday, celebrating with Lucy and Ethel, it's Traci. Take out your friends and have a great time, Traci!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com